View Full Version : Monday Laughs

smithie 38
31-01-2005, 11:11 AM
Looks like Billy T slept in this morning so I will start this thread ;)

Some quick laughs for you -

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause
I still have mine"


"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court
Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very
fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to
send her a few bucks myself,"


A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like
the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But
she's a great cook and really good with the kids."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn
by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did
that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "*******" afterwards.

31-01-2005, 02:50 PM
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The ****ing funeral director," said his wife.


31-01-2005, 03:47 PM
:lol: Thanks people. Where is Billy :o

31-01-2005, 04:52 PM
Where is Billy :o
Don't you lot up in Jafaland have a public holiday today? Maybe Billy has gone off in search of some sunshine for a change. :@@:

Anyway, here's another one:

Marriage Rules


A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."


A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"
"Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After
sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"What are you doing in bed at this hour?"!
"Getting a second opinion!"


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they
go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother
of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"


A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the
bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."


A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three
times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex
three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal.

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."


31-01-2005, 05:37 PM
Yes, we are on public holiday here in Jafaland

smithie 38
31-01-2005, 07:38 PM
Well I really hope Billy had a great day in the sunshine if thats what he was doing.

Cant be outdone by FoxyMX here' s another one from me :)

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at
anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too,
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give
you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years
Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave
back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and
enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front
porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

Billy T
31-01-2005, 10:50 PM
Well I really hope Billy had a great day in the sunshine if thats what he was doing.

Don't I wish smithie. :rolleyes: I was busy painting the lounge walls for Mrs T. Something to do with my future expectations for long life, happiness, food, shelter and connubial bliss I believe.

I think the words were something like "do it or else, and stay away from that ***n computer. Of course she might have been talking to one of the Junior T's :p, but I wasn't prepared to risk it.:D


Billy 8-{)

31-01-2005, 10:55 PM
"connubial bliss ?" Now that's a nice oldfashioned word. I hope it works out !

Cheers Tony

01-02-2005, 03:08 PM
"connubial bliss ?" Now that's a nice oldfashioned word.

I understand it is 'posh-speak' for getting one's leg over.... :D

Billy T
01-02-2005, 11:41 PM
I understand it is 'posh-speak' for getting one's leg over.... :D

No Merino, connubial simply means married.

Mrs T would be horrrified if she thought I referred to leg-overs on a public forum. :eek:


Billy 8-{) :horrified