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Billy T
11-10-2004, 09:29 AM
The Harley Mechanic and the Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The
surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look
at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a
question? " The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic
working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his
hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves
out, fix'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big
bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused,
smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic. . . . .

"Try doing it with the engine running! "

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

Winston001
11-10-2004, 11:01 AM
For Laura

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a snowplow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, so now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

;)

godfather
11-10-2004, 12:03 PM
A blonde lawyer was on her cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" she said.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" she pleaded.

"My car hood is down and it's starting to rain."

Winston001
11-10-2004, 01:54 PM
Sorry?? I don't get it......................

metla
11-10-2004, 01:58 PM
Must be a convertable....

Laura
11-10-2004, 02:13 PM
Aw gee, Winston
I hadn't realised until now you are blonde also.
(They don't come in one sex only)

Winston001
11-10-2004, 02:22 PM
I mean, wouldn't her driver look after this problem? :D

Laura
11-10-2004, 04:38 PM
Winston:
What do you get when you cross a blonde with a lawyer?

I don't know.
There are some things even a blonde won't do.

alphazulusixeightniner
11-10-2004, 05:25 PM
Hahaha Winston, tell that one about the rocking horse and Pak n Save again, that was hilarious :D

andrew93
11-10-2004, 06:07 PM
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup Organising Committee has now agreed to the following displays:

A. The England team will chat about the weather and where they are going on holiday after the tournament, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone mostly beats them. Failing that they will see what the Americans are doing and join in.

B. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

C. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

D. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

E. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory,
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed
by the England team.

F. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim
the rest of the pitch for themselves.

G. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years
they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

H. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold The rest of
the team to ransom.

I. The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually
harass the female stewards and then run away.

J. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it
and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They
will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their
appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

K. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering
good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run
around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying
the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

L. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that
the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
half-way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to
the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials. However the French may not
attend the World Cup at all as it involves the deployment of Frenchmen for
violent physical activity in another part of the world.

M. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and
live with them in Shepherds Bush.

tutaenui
11-10-2004, 10:51 PM
I Love Her, But...

(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)

"she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. scrum on the oppositions 25 All Blacks put in. The crowd goes wild, and all I can see is her butt."


"she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?"


"what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she'd do."


"she makes lists; things to buy, things to do, people to call. If it's not on
the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I put "sex" on the list.
Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn't get done."


"you can hear her eat soup from the next room."

"when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense."


"my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs."


"every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is."


"she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist."


"she's stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she's a natural blonde."


"she takes her half of the bed out of the middle."


"¦have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?"

"my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate."


"after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear,'and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning' "

"in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me."


"she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death."


"she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy's having a fictional affair."


"she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother."


"it annoys her that our children look like me."


"counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four women. Somebody's always got PMS."


"with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I don't have time to notice her."

Laura
12-10-2004, 12:56 AM
Nice one, tutaenui

(Apart from the fact that you seem to have a problem with women-only jokes. Men are funny, too)

But I hope for your sake Mrs tuteanui doesn't have a go - or haven't you told her you posted this and therefore haven't given her a chance to post her version?

"A collection of men's thoughts on their women", it says.
Well, that shows for starters it doesn't come from this country.
The ones you posted were crap - real American crap.

New Zealand blokes were a bit late on the equality stuff, but they never got into that garbage.

Winston001
12-10-2004, 03:45 PM
Oh, I don't know Laura, I quite enjoyed it. ;)

Murray P
12-10-2004, 06:05 PM
Why did the bloke put viagra in his eyes?

because he wanted too look hard.


Why do blokes get married?

so they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.


Why do blokes need instant replay on TV sports?

after 30 seconds they forget what happened.


Why do blokes whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

so they know which end to wipe.


Why do blokes want to marry virgins ?

because they can't stand criticism.


Why was Colonel Sanders a typical bloke ?

all he cared about were legs,breasts and thighs.


Why cant blokes make ice cubes?

because they don't know the recipe.


What's a bloke's idea of foreplay ?

watching the end of the match first.


What does it mean when a bloke is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


A bloke goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm. "The doctor says: 'What are you taking for it ?" The bloke replies: "Pepper!'.


How many blokes does it take to change a light bulb ? Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other two to listen to him bragging about the screwing part.


What do you give to the bloke who has everything ? Penicillin.


How do you confuse a bloke ? You don't. Because they're just born that way.


What does a bloke never want to hear when having great sex ? "Honey I'm home!".


What's the difference between blokes sex talk and women's sex talk ?

When a bloke talks dirty to a woman,it's sexual harassment . When a woman talks dirty to a man,it's 90 cents a minute.


What would have happened if there had been three wise women,not three wise men ? They'd have asked for directions,arrived on time,helped deliver the baby,cleaned the stable,made a casserole and brought practical gifts.


A bloke asks God: 'Why did you make women so beautiful ?" God says: 'So you would be attracted to her" Puzzled, he asks: "But why make her so dumb? 'God replies: 'So she'd be attracted to you.


A bloke's wife had been nagging him about his past from the day they were married, "How many women have you slept with? 'She asks, "Honey, if I told you, you'd just get angry' He says. 'I promise I won't." She begs. Finally He relents: 'Well if you insist, Let's see. One, Two, Three, Four, You, Six, Seven.

alphazulusixeightniner
12-10-2004, 06:36 PM
Sorry, wrong thread Murray P, this is the jokes thread. I dunno what you call that, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Murray P
12-10-2004, 06:40 PM
Grumpy :p

Cheers Maria ;P

Steve_L
12-10-2004, 07:56 PM
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Mexico city. One
had a cross in front of him, the other one had the Star of David.Many
people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the
hat of the one sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped, and watched many, many people give money
to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of
David.

Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said,
"Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact,
they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The Star of David beggar listened to the priest politely. Turning to the
cross beggar, said, "Moishe... look who's trying to teach us
marketing."

Steve_L
12-10-2004, 07:58 PM
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.

He squealed with delight and headed for he nearest sink

I was not so pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you! Don't you remember
how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember!"

Billy T
12-10-2004, 09:01 PM
Aussie blokes' idea of foreplay:




















WAKE UP SHIRL


:D

andrew93
12-10-2004, 09:05 PM
Hey Billy, another take on the the Aussie foreplay :

Brace Yourself Shirl!

tutaenui
12-10-2004, 09:13 PM
I am sorry Laura you found my joke offensive, it was not my intention to offend anyone. However I can assure you Mr T saw the item before it was posted and while he felt maybe it unfairly stereotyped men he did think it was quite funny.

Laura
12-10-2004, 11:08 PM
Hi Tutaenui
Well, is my face red...
I forgot Chris is a unisex name - & it never occurred to me that a woman would've posted those jokes.
No, I didn't find them offensive - just too American comic put-down stuff -hence depressing.
(I know locals who can be really offensive. Don't need to go overseas for that )
Reading my post the next day, I do think I sounded like a really prissy pain in the neck.
For that I apologise.
So glad Mr T approved. Does that make him a "typical Kiwi male".?

Rather more worried about Winston001 here. He said they were funny.
Tried them out on Mrs Winston, did we?

As a lawyer, you know that expressing personal opinions is a dangerous thing.
So you wouldn't expect me to let you get away with that...you wee stirrer.

(Note to you North Islanders- Winston understands totally the derivation of the adjective in the preceding sentence because we hear it constantly in Southland & Otago. Adults who visit think it's "cute.")
Young people who don't know what an adjective is because grammar isn't taught nowadays will have to work it out for themselves.

Winston001
13-10-2004, 09:57 AM
Och, dinna fasch yr'sel Laura, yr a bonnie lass. ;)

Billy T
13-10-2004, 06:27 PM
Four married guys went fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place

First guy:
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this
morning. I had to promise my wife I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy:
"That's nothing! I had to promise my wife I'll build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to fish, until they realized the fourth guy had not said a word.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy:
"I just set my alarm for 4:30 am. When it went off, I shut off the clock, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex," and she said,

"Wear a sweater."

:D

Fire-and-Ice
13-10-2004, 07:37 PM
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Sydney
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Alan Jones
mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the
wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone
to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming,
many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of
his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special
gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with
the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!". Then he turned to his
bride and said "F--- you!". Then he turned to the
dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage
annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after
finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade,
as if nothing were wrong. His revenge..? Making the bride's parents
pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all,
trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300
friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church
bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial
out of this?:

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends
...................................... $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion
.................................................. ... $3,000.
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui
.............................................. $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man .......... Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD.


Ouch! :D

TideMan
13-10-2004, 09:03 PM
A little boy and his mother were on a plane.
The little boy said to his mother:
"If big dogs make little dogs, and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?"
"I don't know much about planes," his mother said, "Why don't you ask the flight attendant?"
So, when the flight attendant next passed he asked her:
"If big dogs make little dogs, and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes."
"Well, big planes on this airline always pull out in time. Have your mother explain that!"

Billy T
13-10-2004, 11:29 PM
> This is a true story about a recent wedding that took
> place at Sydney University. It was in the local newspaper
> and even Alan Jones mentioned it.

Shave the whiskers off it F & I :^O then read This. (http://www.ulrc.com.au/html/report.asp?CaseFile=ULRR0024&Page=1&View=Request&Collection=Revenge)
That story is about as old as they get.

There's a similar one Here (http://sal.neoburn.net/imagef1/files/bart_google.jpg)

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D
I think the mention of Alan Jones was a clue.

theother1
14-10-2004, 09:12 AM
yes this "true" story has been doing the rounds for several years in various forms. It just goes to show you cannot accept as "true" anything you read in the paper or hear on the radio, more especially if it is on Alan Jones show.

MartynC
21-10-2004, 12:00 PM
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Edna the news he said,

"Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by
jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you
saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry...How soon can I go home?"

mark c
21-10-2004, 12:16 PM
Blonde is zipping along in her car when suddenly there'a "wah wah" of a cop car so she pulls over.

Blonde cop gets out and swaggers up. "See your driver's licence Ma'am?"

Blonde in car: "Drivere's Licence? Oh no. What's it look like?"

"Sort of card sized thing with your photo on it", replies the blonde cop.

Blonde rummages around in her bag then finds a small mirror, looks at it and says. "Oh Yes here it is." and hands it to the cop.

Blonde cop looks at it and says" Hey that's ok you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop". :^O

metla
21-10-2004, 12:32 PM
Omg,silliest joke ever. :D

theother1
21-10-2004, 04:14 PM
What's the most sensitive part of a mans body when He is masturbating?

theother1
21-10-2004, 04:14 PM
His ears!

Fire-and-Ice
21-10-2004, 07:45 PM
Speaking from experience are you? ;-)

:D

theother1
22-10-2004, 06:55 PM
This Guy http://sal.neoburn.net/imagef1/files/DSC04081.jpg

ferrite
22-10-2004, 08:31 PM
keep it seamy family show here

Laura
22-10-2004, 08:59 PM
ferrite:
Did you mean "seemly"?
(Seamy means the faintly grubby stuff.)
A reminder about the age of some forum members isn't amiss in threads like this - fun though they are.

ferrite
22-10-2004, 09:42 PM
woops stuffed up .i did.

Bletch
23-10-2004, 11:22 AM
You think you have problems ?
If Noah lived today.....................

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting his front yard weeping.
"Noah," he shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans and get an engineers report from the Council.
"Then I got into a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents' Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and therefore a threat to existing homes - also I would need to pay an ongoing levy to the local Iwi for potential use of any foreshore.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of native timbers. I finally convinced DOC that I needed the wood to indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected and won't let me catch any Kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.
"Under the new Employment Relations Act, the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.
"OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no Kakapo and no wood.
"When news got out that I was to round up other animals, MAF arrived and insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic engineering practices were involved.
"The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door. They want an Environmental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point entirely.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious and race diversity of Earth.
"Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non-payment of child support. It seems a local netball coach is claiming I knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for
her share of Tainui's corporate box at Ericsson stadium and is leaving me.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

Billy T
23-10-2004, 11:38 AM
I guess last week's Laughs was traumatised by all the ill-will floating around on PF1 and faded away without the usual humorous additions. I've never seen so many locked threads.

Perhaps it was International Grinch Week. :D

Nice to see a thread from an earlier and gentler time resurrected though.
Go Here (http://pressf1.pcworld.co.nz/thread.jsp?forum=1&thread=52519) for the current Monday laughs in case you missed it.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :|