View Full Version : OT - Where is Monday laugh?

20-09-2004, 11:04 AM
I kinda miss it as every Monday it will be here when I logon :)

Anyway .. here we go ..

Senior Moments ...


Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."



Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said

Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

20-09-2004, 11:45 AM
The mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Billy T
20-09-2004, 12:26 PM
Patience, patience, valued readers.

I have to earn a living, and occasionally (just occasionally) that need interferes with the timely posting of this thread. Starting a interim thread to give you a temporary fix interferes with the orderly distribution of Monday humour to the needy readers of PF1, or at least all those with a sense of humour.:D


Billy 8-{) :)

Susan B
20-09-2004, 06:17 PM
One for our retirees:

So what did YOU do today?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you might like to hear what happened to me yesterday:
I went to the store and was in there for only about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a meter maid writing out a parking ticket. I went up to her and said, "Come on, lady, how about giving a guy a break?"
She ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called her Frauline Nazi.
She glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called her a piece of horse ****. She finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
After I called her a self possessed cow she started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes -- the more I abused her, the more tickets she wrote.
I didn't give a ****. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important when you're retired.

20-09-2004, 07:40 PM
ROFL that joke is great Susan, I must try that sometime!

20-09-2004, 10:49 PM
A reform congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel
room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed.

She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board
arranged for you!

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple
Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking, where is your respect? I am
the moral leader of our community! I am very, very angry with you. You have not
heard the end of this!"

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says,
"Where are you going? I'm not angry with *you*."


A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits
is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He
mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a
sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign
saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him
if it was with the same cow."

21-09-2004, 12:53 PM
Well seeing as we're on the subject ...

As it was, an Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?"- asks the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it." "Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went." It wasn't a week later when she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor." "Really? What happened?"- asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?" "No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years." "But I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

Smithie 38
21-09-2004, 06:34 PM
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man,shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head

"We're not welcome at Bunnings either."