PDA

View Full Version : OT: Monday Laughs



Billy T
06-09-2004, 10:25 AM
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Athens Olympiad that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them................ Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D

nzStan
06-09-2004, 11:00 AM
"Who Does What"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"Hebrews"

andrew93
06-09-2004, 11:19 AM
In a not so recent issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

Merino
06-09-2004, 11:48 AM
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't
see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner
on the table.

The third man had married a Kiwi girl. He boasted that he
told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes
washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for
every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
eye.

Smithie 38
06-09-2004, 12:07 PM
This is why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a small Texas town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand -- a grandmotherly,
elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.! You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The bigoted attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought
the court room to silence, called both counsellors to the bench, and in
a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she
knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

JJJJJ
06-09-2004, 01:11 PM
Good on you BillyT. The best posting of the week.
Jack

yingxuan
06-09-2004, 01:24 PM
TAke a look at these clips

http://www.happytreefriends.com/watch_episodes/index.html#05

SKT174
06-09-2004, 02:59 PM
Inside a bar, a sailor and a pirate are talking about their experiences,
the pirate have a wooden leg, a metal hook on his right hand, an eye patch on his right eye.

Sailor asked why you have a wooden leg? Pirate "Shark bitten my legs off..."
Sailor asked why you have a metal hook? Pirate "Lost it during fights..."
Sailor then asked about the eye patch... Pirate "Because a seagull dropped some droppings into my eye..."

Sailor was shocked "You mean the droppings made you blind??"


Pirate "That happened on the same day after I have the metal hook attached to my arms for the first time"

tutaenui
06-09-2004, 03:18 PM
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day, he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit p'd off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then, he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time, Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front, and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your Chinese accent ready .....)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

Nyet
06-09-2004, 03:36 PM
Delete/ban "Billy T" for posting sexually orientated jokes on a family forum. X-(

JJJJJ
06-09-2004, 04:24 PM
Nyet, if you are serious, you are the one who should be banned.
Jack

tbacon_nz
06-09-2004, 05:16 PM
ROFL - but if no 9 is supposed to be genuine, the commentator is being very naughty - that story has been around for years!

Spartacus
06-09-2004, 05:19 PM
Will I get banned for blond jokes too?

A blond is driving somewhat erratically down the highway and happens to nudge the rear end of a ute. The two vehicles duly pull over, and out of the ute steps a burly, rather annoyed brute with a baseball bat.

He draws a circle in the dirt on the side of the road, and tells the blond to stand in it. He then proceeds to bash the crap out of her car with the bat, paying special attention to the window regions. Once satisfied, he turns to see the blond giggling uncontrollably.

He asks her, "what the hell are you laughing for?"

to which she replies, "I stepped out of the circle while you weren't looking!"

JJJJJ
06-09-2004, 05:22 PM
This has been around for years. Some of you may have not heard it.
During a cricket test between England and the West Indies the commentator actualy said. "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey."
Jack

Laura
06-09-2004, 06:03 PM
(Been saving this one for the next guy who told a blonde joke)

What's the first thing God said after he created Adam?

"I can do better!"

Fire-and-Ice
06-09-2004, 06:11 PM
Priest's Retirement – Lesson: Never Be Late


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken.

“However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25th years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

"The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.

"Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister.

"I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."


Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE ;-)

Fire-and-Ice
06-09-2004, 06:13 PM
> (Been saving this one for the next guy who told a blonde joke)
>
> What's the first thing God said after he created Adam?
>
> "I can do better!"


You'll like this even better then:

WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

You need a rough draft before you make a final copy ;-)

Earnie Moore
06-09-2004, 07:17 PM
Sorry to be a wet sock Billy but your jokes were changed to make out they came from Athens Olympics.

poke part of the joke into google and see were that leads you, there was one joke left out, that was hard to fit because they don't have that sport in the Olympics.

Earnie Moore
06-09-2004, 08:01 PM
Never the less Billy it was a good joke,



Subject: Two nuns and Dracula

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through
Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps
onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield
washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says
Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"

sam m
06-09-2004, 09:07 PM
Hi Smithie,

Reminds me of a conversation I had with my daughter 10 min ago.

I was giving her a telling off for lying to me and her mother.
I told her that soon she will have to get out and get a job and no one will want to give her a job if she lied.

I asked her what she wanted to do for a job (she is only 6).
She said "I want to be a vet"
"So do you think that vets would lie to their animals they are helping?" I said.
"no" she said.
"In that case I want to be a lawyer.......what does a lawyer do?"

"They lie..........you'll be a good lawyer"

sam m

nalla
06-09-2004, 09:28 PM
News Flash
Irelands worst air disaster occured early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery just outside Dublin.
Irish search and rescue workers have so far recovered 1826 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

exLL
06-09-2004, 10:11 PM
> .............I told her that soon she will have to get out and get
> a job and no one will want to give her a job if she
> lied.
>
> I asked her what she wanted to do for a job (she is
> only 6).
> She said "I want to be a vet"
> "So do you think that vets would lie to their animals
> they are helping?" I said.
> "no" she said.
> "In that case I want to be a lawyer.......what does a
> lawyer do?"
>
> "They lie..........you'll be a good lawyer"
>
> sam m

Maybe you could have told her that little girls who lie grow up to become weather forecasters. :D

pulling hair out
07-09-2004, 12:00 AM
This has got to be the best OT topic on the forum.
Laughed so hard had tears running down my cheeks.

Why do people cry when they're laughing? ?:|
Is it one of God's jokes, apart from blondes - that is. :p

Can say that without fear of retribution because I'm a natural blonde but dyed it auburn for years. So hold back on any adverse comments. After all this is the 'laughs' spread.

Marg.

Laura
07-09-2004, 12:15 AM
Another blonde here - and of course I don't really mind blonde jokes.
Fun is fun, after all, and some of them are really good.
Mind you, that doesn't mean we can't retaliate - when the ammunition's available...

Billy T
07-09-2004, 12:16 AM
No worries Earnie!

Actually just about everybody knows they are not really from the Olympics, that is just the reason to trot them out again. Googling just spoils the fun. Everybody likes an illusion.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D

Vince
07-09-2004, 12:48 AM
> (Been saving this one for the next guy who told a
> blonde joke)
>
> What's the first thing God said after he created
> Adam?
>
> "I can do better!"

My fair haired 17 year old daughter likes blond jokes, and in her case he really did do better. Vince

Laura
07-09-2004, 03:35 AM
Nice one, Vince
Go the proud Dads...

Laura
07-09-2004, 03:39 AM
And now all we have to do is teach these guys that blonde is spelt with an E at the end - unless you want to do it the Microsoft way?

Fire-and-Ice
07-09-2004, 10:03 AM
Another one for Laura and Marg:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down,rolled the dice and yelled,"C'mon baby,mama needs some new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...."YES! YES!" "I WON,I WON" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know...I thought you were watching."

MORAL...... Not all blondes are dumb,but all men are men.


;-)

pulling hair out
07-09-2004, 10:57 AM
Hi Fire-and-Ice

Always wondered why I never won at the Casino. :-(

It might be worth a try in the summer months. Just have to find the money to bet with - - - after I've found the money to increase my other assets. :p

Are you game Laura?

Marg.

Laura
07-09-2004, 03:04 PM
Ask me again when summer comes.

godfather
07-09-2004, 04:50 PM
Laura.

Remember to run over the suit with an iron first, the Casino's usually have a dress code.

Wrinkled attire might result in a refusal to gain admission?

D. McG
07-09-2004, 11:22 PM
> TAke a look at these clips
>
> http://www.happytreefriends.com/watch_episodes/index.html


That 'eye candy' animation was simply disturbing. I'm glad that Weta Digital did not do a detailed photo-realistic rendering of it.
(Gaaa!)

Laura
08-09-2004, 04:26 AM
godfather:
It would have to be a cheap steam-ironing.
Sadly, the cost of botox smoothing all over would be prohibitive.

yingxuan
09-09-2004, 11:19 AM
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the
world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking
that
he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
$10,000 per call. The American, being intrigued, asked a Priest who
was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
$10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the Priest and
went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the
same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this
was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby
Nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to
heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K, thank you", said the American. He then travelled to
Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10,000
per call sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to
travel to NEW ZEALAND to see if New Zealanders had the same phone.

He arrived in New Zealand, and again, in the first church he entered,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it
read 40 cents per call.The American was surprised so he asked the
Priest about the sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same
golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to
Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here ?"

The priest smiled and answered,

"You're in New Zealand now, Son - it's a local call"

Laura
09-09-2004, 10:10 PM
Nice one, yingxuan.
And a specially nice compliment from someone not born here...
(Going along with our God's Own Country slogan)