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View Full Version : OT: Monday Laughs. Humour-only zone please!



Billy T
23-08-2004, 01:09 PM
Animal lovers:

Did you ever wonder where pets came from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer!!!

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them another companion to be with them, one who will see them as they are. This companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.




And Cat didn't give a toss, one way or the other.





Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

nzStan
23-08-2004, 01:49 PM
"Bullseye"

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the guy. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

johnboy
23-08-2004, 01:53 PM
Bill Gates

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows ME. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded -- his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiled and said, "That was the screen saver."

D. McG
23-08-2004, 02:36 PM
Here's one from the Darwin Awards site (www.darwinawards.com), even though it's more of an 'honourable mention'. It's long, but worth it. :D

(Warning - do not try this at home!)

Light Bulb Of Doom

The place is a small regional centre town in Soviet Union. The time is early 1980s. A local conference of college teachers is in progress. A few dozens of teachers came into town for the event and a few of them were situated in the local hotel. The hotel is very poor, but so are the teachers and 3 of them take a single room. Since there is not much to do in a small town at night, certain amount of alcoholic beverages is obtained from a local store and consumed.

During the conversation among the newly found friends one of the teachers (lets call him Dmitriy Petrovich) mentions that it is a medical fact, that it is impossible to take a light bulb out of one's mouth once it was inserted there. This meets active disbelief of his two opponents who start questioning him as to what kind of light bulb he means and how come you cannot take it out, if you can put it in. Dmitriy Petrovich replies, that he is talking about a standard 100 Watt light bulb such as the one lighting their room, but lacking medical education he doesn't know the reason for not being able to remove it. Discussion heats up, and at some point one of his opponents decides that an experiment is necessary.

Mind you, that all of the teachers in the room are PhDs in various fields of exact science. Obviously not one of them is a medic. The light bulb is then removed and the most loud opponent (lets call him Vladimir) puts it into his mouth. In a few seconds it becomes clear that Dmitriy Petrovich was right, and it is quite impossible for Vladimir to remove the light bulb due to peculiar clenching of jaw muscles.

After a short discussion the three friends decide to get Vladmir to a doctor. They get out of the hotel, and stop a cab. They drive to the hospital where they have to relate the story of the accident to the night nurse, who, after almost choking herself with giggles, calls the ER doctor. The doctor carefully examines Vladimir, and unexpectedly hits him with his fist in the back of the jaw. Vladimir's jaw falls open and the doctor returns the light bulb to Dmitriy Petrovich, explaining that Vladimir is not going to be able to use his mouth for a couple of hours due to the over-stressed jaw muscles.

The three teachers get back into a cab and start driving home, when the third teacher starts complaining that the other two are playing him for a fool, that this is medically impossible for such phenomenon to exist and that he is about to prove it. He puts the light bulb into his mouth, the cab makes a U-turn and speeds back to the hospital. At the hospital, the nurse starts giggling when the three men enter the emergency room, and after hearing their new story falls of her chair laughing. After a little while she calls the surgeon, who chuckles, hits the 3rd teacher in the back of the jaw and removes the light bulb.

The cab has left, so the three friends catch another one. Dmitriy Petrovich gets into the front seat and puts his mute friends with their jaws hanging open in the back. Cab driver is mildly surprised by the unusual company of an obviously drunk giggling man and two others looking like village idiots, and asks about it. Dmitriy Petrovich assures the driver that the other two are not idiots, but most educated people and the problem is their small argument about a light bulb. After carefully listening to the whole story the driver asks what kind of light bulb he is talking about, and Dmitriy shows the hotel light bulb saying "this one". "Impossible" says the cab driver and in a few seconds the cab turns around and goes to the hospital.

When the nurse sees these guys the 3rd time inside 2 hours, she starts having rather serious breathing difficulties trying to laugh much harder then mother nature designed. After getting her in shape Dmitriy Petrovich makes her call the surgeon who, promptly hitting the cab driver in the jaw takes the light bulb and smashes it on the table saying that this should put an end to the story. The four men get back into the cab and drive to the hotel.

On the way they are stopped by the road patrol police unit. The policeman is very surprised to find that the only person able to speak in a car full of people is a rather drunk man who tells him a weird story about light bulbs. "I will be right back" replies the policeman, goes back to the road side station, Dmitriy and companions watch the light go off inside the station, and in a few seconds the policeman appears again. Using gestures he asks people on the back seat to move over. A metal end of a light bulb is sticking out of his mouth.

The cab goes back to the hospital. The nurse becomes hysterical with joy. After a few minutes of recuperation she goes to the cabinet of the surgeon to call him. She opens the door and falls to the floor unconscious. In the doorway appears the surgeon with his jaw hanging wide open.

Winston001
23-08-2004, 04:59 PM
Cat Lover's Rules

1. The cat is not allowed in the house.

2. OK, the cat is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

3. Ok, the cat is allowed in all rooms, but must stay off the furniture.

4. The cat can get on the old furniture only.

5. Fine, the cat is allowed on all the furniture, but it is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

6. The cat can sleep on the bed, but not under the covers or on the pillow.

7. OK, The cat can sleep under the covers and on the pillow by invitation only.

8. Well, ok, the cat can sleep under the covers every night and on the pillow too.

9. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the cover with the cat; only the cat can sleep on the pillow

stu120404
23-08-2004, 05:18 PM
> Here's one from the Darwin Awards site
> (www.darwinawards.com), even though it's more of an
> 'honourable mention'. It's long, but worth it. :D
>
> (Warning - do not try this at home!)
>
> Light Bulb Of Doom

LOL! Nice one D. McG :)

Smithie 38
23-08-2004, 05:34 PM
Confidence destroyed ........


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and
I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream! It's a breeze."


The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. ...... Couldn't walk for a year

Billy T
23-08-2004, 05:42 PM
Love it Winston. :^O

We have a neighbour's cat that is up to No.4 so far, but not making any further headway since we steadfastly refuse to feed it, and water is supplied 10 metres from the front door.

It does a very nice line in "I'm leaving in disgust" looks, but hearts are not melting. It tried piteous meowing at the front door for several nights as winter began, but it has a home to go to so that stopped too, just short of the bucket of water trick (luckily for the cat!).

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D

[b][pre]It's a very strange cat too, thinks it's a dog.
Comes when it is called and actually leaves
when requested!

Winston001
23-08-2004, 06:12 PM
Cheers Billy. Thought I might stay with the cat theme. I know GF and others will enjoy. Our cats have generally gone straight to No 9 :D

Scouse
23-08-2004, 06:37 PM
UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT! Listen up!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle... From the Nelson Mail comes this story of a local couple who drove their car to the supermarket, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

miknz
23-08-2004, 06:58 PM
check this out.

http://sal.neoburn.net/imagef1/files/marriage3.jpg

funny as hell

mejobloggs
23-08-2004, 08:11 PM
heh, light bulb one is very good.

TonyF
23-08-2004, 08:15 PM
Our cats have
> generally gone straight to No 9 :D
So have our two, usually. Crept in the back door as stray kittens when we weren't looking. One lives on the monitor ...
Cheers T

R2x1
23-08-2004, 09:21 PM
> . . . .
> stray kittens when we weren't looking. One lives on
> the monitor ...
> Cheers T

A friend's cat did this -it got a tumour - the vet said it was not the rarest thing in the world. I guess right above the neck of the tube is not the most radiation - free spot in the house.
Now - how do you stop it ?
R2
>> A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other
>> way, and the memory of this lesson will stay through all his days.
>> Mark Twain

Exwesty
23-08-2004, 09:40 PM
> > > A friend's cat did this -it got a tumour - the vet
> said it was not the rarest thing in the world. I
> guess right above the neck of the tube is not the
> most radiation - free spot in the house.
> Now - how do you stop it ?
> R2

How did they diagnose it?
Was it a cat scan or did they do a lab test?

tutaenui
23-08-2004, 10:34 PM
Top 20 Sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all people who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment."

Rob99
24-08-2004, 01:34 AM
A retired gent of 67 years old loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day, when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up!!."

He looked around for several minutes, but he couldn't see anyone The voice pleaded again, "Pick me up!"

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. He said, " Are you talking to me?"

The frog replied, " Hell yes I'm talking to you!! Pick me up and give me a kiss and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen, As a reward, I'll give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures you have ever seen or heard of."

He looked at the frog for several minutes then reached over and picked the frog up carefully and placed it in his breast pocket.

Then the frog said, " Are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said?? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasure like you've never had before?!"

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "At my age I would rather have a talking frog."

Jacob4165
24-08-2004, 05:19 PM
this is funny (http://www.mendhak.com/humor/show.php?id=51)

CYaBro
24-08-2004, 05:43 PM
Is a local area network in Australia called the LAN down under??

Fire-and-Ice
24-08-2004, 06:17 PM
Another version of the talking frog....


A man was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What is the matter ?? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want... why won't you kiss me ?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer, I don't have time for a girlfriend... but a talking frog is cool."



Bit more appropriate for this place innit? ;-)

Earnie Moore
27-08-2004, 06:25 AM
China has always kept secrets right.

What's say China has already put a man on Mars "just like America put a man on the moon" just that they have never told anyone.. I mean China can do things cheaper than America.

Should China come clean and spill the beans? :^O

Sorry I never made it on Monday, I am sure you can understand why.

SKT174
27-08-2004, 10:56 AM
The last sentence of the Bill Gates joke should be

God smiled and said, "That was the beta version."

willie_M
27-08-2004, 03:29 PM
or "Thats the hell XPerience" :D

Spencer
27-08-2004, 06:32 PM
Im a bit late with these but enjoy anyway:

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39,
************************************************** ********

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if He could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31
************************************************** ********
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34
************************************************** ********

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
any.....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

MrBeef
27-08-2004, 08:41 PM
ahahaha
>So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?


aaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha, i had to leave my seat

Earnie Moore
30-08-2004, 08:34 AM
A Muslim was seen to enter a sex shop.

Inside he asked for "One of those dolls"

The owner asked he he wanted a standard one or a Muslim doll.

When asked the difference, the owner said "The Muslim dolls blow themselves up".

miknz
30-08-2004, 11:06 AM
----- Man and his Barbecue


It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
chain of events are put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the shops.

2) The woman makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, beer in hand.

4) The man places the meat on the grill.

5) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer whilst he
deals with the situation

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women!

WalOne
31-08-2004, 04:50 PM
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello had the legendary radio sketch "Who's on first?" If it were updated to today's environment it might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT. . .

************************************************** ********

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer.

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is RealOne and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER. . . ............................

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

jayal
31-08-2004, 10:14 PM
hey Walone, don't spose you know where to get the original "who's on 1st base?" - anyone out there know? - it's a classic

Laura
31-08-2004, 10:45 PM
It was quoted in full on PF1 a few months ago, but I forget the poster.
But you'll find it on this (and other websites) easily:
www.taproom.com/jokes/abbott.htm

TideMan
31-08-2004, 11:31 PM
The Russian joke about light bulbs earlier reminds me of a joke a Russian friend told me. He swears it is true, or at least most Russians at the time believed it was true.

Breshnev summoned his chief scientist and said he was concerned that the Americans had put a man on the moon first and that the Politburo had come up with a scheme that would put those pesky Yanks in their place. They'd decided that Russia would be the first nation to put a man on the sun.

"Great idea, leader", said the chief scientist, "but I can forsee a problem".

"What's that?"

"Well, it gets a little hot on the sun".

"Do you think we're stupid? And that we haven't thought of that? We've decided that you will make landing at night".