View Full Version : OT: Monday laughs

Billy T
09-08-2004, 04:27 PM
Politically incorrrect, and sexist to boot, but........

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the Captain and Co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and that she will not move back to her seat.

The Co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave First Class and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston, and I am going to sit right here."

The Co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the Captain that he should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde woman as she won't listen to reason.

The Captain says, "You say she's blonde? I will handle this. I'm married to a blonde ... I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, thank you so much Sir," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "First Class isn't going to Houston!"


Billy 8-{) :D

09-08-2004, 05:01 PM
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

Billy T
09-08-2004, 05:38 PM
I feel a hot blonde session coming on here :D


Billy 8-{)

09-08-2004, 06:01 PM
Blond Joke 1
Jill, a blonde, was standing in front of a soda machine saying, "You are a dumb looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. People are going to be punching you all your life. Then you are going to be replaced by a much better looking button."

I foolishly asked what she was doing. Jill pointed to the notice on the front of the machine, which said, "Depress button for ice."

Blond Joke 2
There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration, please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license, "See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

And I just did a search in my email's joke folder and found 93 emails.

Earnie Moore
09-08-2004, 08:53 PM
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late
one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a
gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock?
Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked,
squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering
pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone
on the other side of the wall screamed " You f___ ing *******....it's
ten past three in the morning!"

09-08-2004, 09:23 PM
What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Sorry dear, I ran out of money.

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total chaos in his house. His three children were outside, still in their PJ’s playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess, a lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against the wall, in the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs stepping over toys and piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lying in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, what happened here. today?"
She again smiled and answered, 'You know everyday when you come home from work ask what I did all day”, "Well, today I didn't do it"

A Farmer shopped around for a new car and became thoroughly disgusted the with the pricing systems, what with all the talk about optional equipment and extras, but he settled on his purchase. A few days later the dealer who sold him the car arrived at the farm to buy a cow for his small property. The Farmer sized up the position and quickly scribbled the bill.
Basic Cow $200
Two-tone exterior $145
Extra stomach $75
Product storage compartment $60
Dispensing device (4 spigot at $10 each) $40
Genuine Cow-hide upholstery $125
Automatic fly swatter $35
Dual horns $15
Total, exclusive of tax and delivery $695

09-08-2004, 09:37 PM

:^O :^O :^O That joke cracks me up everytime I read it. Classic stuff.

09-08-2004, 10:38 PM
Since we are doing non PC sexist jokes have you heard this one

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into
women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each
within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men
gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly
emotional, couldn't drive a car, failed to think rationally,
argued over nothing, had difficulty urinating standing up, and refused
to apologize when wrong.

09-08-2004, 10:41 PM
An Australian, a Kiwi and a South African were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled carton of beer. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the beer, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday on the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The South African was first in line , so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Aussie was next up, and after watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Kiwi was the last one up, but before the Kiwi could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful country, your Rugby team is the best in the world, and your women are very sexy. For this, you may have two wishes!".
"Nice one Mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Kiwi replies. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 ashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave" the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Aussie to my back".

10-08-2004, 12:00 AM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a club in Gore. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

10-08-2004, 12:48 PM
And then there were the two Auckland blondes.

One asked the other: Which is furtherest away, Wellington or the Moon?

Heloooooooo came the reply, can you see Wellington from here?