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PoWa
01-03-2004, 01:12 AM
Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

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Pig In A Bar

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?''

Then the lady answered, ''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.''

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

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Job Fair

A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.

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And my fav :)

We take you now to the Oval Office

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

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Bush got a coded message from Saddam

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down ...

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Post some more :D

dipstick01
01-03-2004, 09:13 AM
Big People Words
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the ****."

johnboy
01-03-2004, 09:22 AM
what mom taught me

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"
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"Who Is Trustworthy?"


A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial. It went like this:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this, then, officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see, sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
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What's the best form of birth control after 50?.
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and b!tch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
********************
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son". He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
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