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Billy T
22-09-2014, 09:13 AM
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2014 THREAT-ALERTS IN EUROPE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in involving Isis and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. As a further indication of concern, terrorists were last week re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." This is a significant move, as the last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

Following failure of the Indepence Vote, the Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that, as a result of student unrest, it has raised its terror-alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's entire military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Only two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Australia, also alert to Isis, meanwhile has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

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Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 7:41:23 am exactly.

God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, please feel free to ASK me!

Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th -- Look, a bird -- ing at a time.

God help me to do only what I can, and trust you for the rest. And would you mind putting that in writing?

Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Amen

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Here are some comments off my latest yearly appraisal at my job

Term: GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS
Meaning: Fluent in creative contemporaneous bullshlt

Term: GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Meaning: Spends lots of time on phone

Term: AVERAGE EMPLOYEE
Meaning: Not too bright

Term: EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Meaning: Made no major blunders yet

Term: WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY
Meaning: Too ugly to get a date

Term: ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Meaning: Drinks a lot

Term: FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Meaning: Spouse drinks, too

Term: INDEPENDENT WORKER
Meaning: Nobody knows what he/she does

Term: QUICK THINKING
Meaning: Offers plausible excuses

Term: CAREFUL THINKER
Meaning: Won't make a decision

Term: AGGRESSIVE
Meaning: Obnoxious

Term: USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS
Meaning: Gets someone else to do it

Term: EXPRESSES HIMSELF WELL
Meaning: Speaks some English, good at hand-waving

Term: METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL
Meaning: A nit-picking nut

Term: HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES
Meaning: Is tall or has a loud voice

Term: EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT
Meaning: Lucky

Term: CAREER MINDED
Meaning: Back-Stabber

Term: LOYAL
Meaning: Can't get a job anywhere else

Term: KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Meaning: Knows a lot of dirty jokes

Term: HAS AN EXTENSIVE PERSONAL LIBRARY
Meaning: Copies rented porno movies

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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him… FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...

The terrified man rushes upstairs to the bathroom and locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

….The coffin stops

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Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussion with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party... or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

R2x1
22-09-2014, 09:33 AM
:thumbs:

inphinity
22-09-2014, 11:22 AM
Hilarious as always Billy, thanks :)

Greg
22-09-2014, 12:04 PM
Absolutely luuuurve the 2014 Threats joke! Reminds me of Albino Blacksheep's parody - until Google altered it's algorithms, if you typed in "French Military Victories", it cam up with "Did you mean French Military Defeats?" Then, by clicking on the "I'm Feeling Lucky" link it would take you to this hilarious page (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)!