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View Full Version : Monday Laughs:....Brit tenants, Woman's Revenge, Airlines, and Golf................



Billy T
07-09-2014, 08:26 PM
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Posting early team, have to be on the road before 6.00am :waughh:



These are genuine clips from British Council Flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 5 am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

*********************************


A WOMAN'S REVENGE...

"Cash, cheque or Card?" I asked, after folding and wrapping items the woman wished to purchase.

"Card" she replied, then as she searched for her wallet I noticed she hada television remote control in her purse.

By way of conversation I asked "So, do you always carry your TV remote?"

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most painful and stress-inducing thing I could legally do to him."

*********************************


Advice from Captain Ethics for National 9-11 day:

How To Save the World's Airlines in These Dire and Dark Times...........

Dump the male flight attendants, no one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - they don't even serve food any more, so what's the loss?

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a party atmosphere going in the cabin. Even Trans-Atlantic flights would seem too quick, and, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could even charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and special services.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

*********************************


Every Saturday morning for three years, a foursome teed off at their local country club. One of the players was remarkable. For a couple of weeks, he'd play left-handed, and then the next week, he'd play with the right, with no loss in skill. However, he had one annoying fault: every couple of months or so, he would be twenty minutes late to tee off.

One morning, after this husband had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said, "I can't stand it any longer! What's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?"

"Well, I'll tell ya," the man said. "Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her right side, I tee off right-handed. If she's on her left side, I play left-handed."

"Ah! But what if she's on her back?"

"That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"

***********************************************

About Golf........................

1. Winston Churchill: "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture."

2. Jack Benny: "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf."

3. Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

4. Unknown. "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt and eager to atone for his sins."

5. Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

6.Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

7. Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

8. Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."

9. Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."

10. Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

11. Tommy Bolt: "Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet."

12. Jimmy Demarest: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

13. Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

14. Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

R2x1
07-09-2014, 09:16 PM
:clap
Got the jokes, and no Monday! How good can it get? (Well, other than the entire field being scratched for the election.)
:clap:banana:clap

tutaenui
08-09-2014, 12:10 PM
A policeman is patrolling late at night. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. Then he looks in the back and finds a very comely young woman wearing only bra and panties, sprawled out flat and looking very fetching on the back seat.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window.

"Uh, yes, Officer?"

The cop asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lass in the back seat, the trooper asks: "And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's simply waiting."

Now the cop is totally confused: Two young people, alone in a car at night, in a lover's lane, and they're doing nothing? What in the world is going on here, he wonders.

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 18, sir."

The cop asks, gesturing to the back seat: "And how old is she?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She's 15, for three and a half more minutes."

…................................................. ....................
In the upcoming parliamentary elections the greens vote would be much better if most of their supporters don't put their ballot papers in the recycling bin on the way out.

SKT174
08-09-2014, 03:26 PM
Missing Wife

Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.

Inspector: What is her height?

Husband: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector: Colour of hair ?

Husband: Changes according to the season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Did she go in a car???

Husband: Yes!!!

Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?

Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed
tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light
functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........

johcar
10-09-2014, 11:03 AM
I used to be a people person - but people ruined that for me...

I want you to know that someone out there cares - I don't, but someone does

What I if told you
you read the first line wrong?

Every great idea I have gets me in trouble!

I was going to take over the world - then I saw something shiny

I'm not saying I'm Spiderman, I'm just saying no-one has ever seen me and Spiderman in a room together

I feel violated..... Do it again!

I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better

If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"

It's OK if you disagree with me - I can't force you to be right

I have CDO - It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself...and spiders.

Of course your opinion matters - just not to me.

I did not mean to offend you - that was just a bonus

I'm not here to judge - I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making...

Some people are like slinkies - They're not really any good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs

I know the voices aren't real - but they have some really great ideas

Common Sense is so rare these days, it should be classed as a Super Power

Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver

I am currently unsupervised - I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!

I'm NOT sick and twisted. Sick makes it sound like there's a cure!

Three out of the four voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know whether penguins have knees.

People think I'm too patronising (that means I talk down to people)

Well another day has passed and I didn't use algebra once!

I hate being bipolar. It's AWESOME!

Statistically-speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

lordnoddy
17-09-2014, 11:35 AM
:( having one of those weeks at work and no Monday Laughs! Wednesday laughs plz!?

Billy T
17-09-2014, 05:52 PM
:( having one of those weeks at work and no Monday Laughs! Wednesday laughs plz!?

Ok, Ok, I had an urgent contract and had to spend the weekend preparing, then be on the road by 6:15am to get to the site. Then I had to write a comprehensive report and there were sufficient $$$ attached for me to forgo Monday Laughs.

I've just finished the follow-up, so here's a few more jokes by way of compensation:


Do you know how many members of the Tate family belong to your Club?

1. There is old man Dic-Tate who wants to run everything.
2. Uncle Ro-Tate tries to change everything.
3. Old lady Agi-Tate who stirs up plenty of trouble,
4. With help from her husband, Irri-Tate.
5. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi-Tate and
6. His wife, Vege-Tate, want to wait until next year.
7. Aunt Imi-Tate, who wants our Club to be like all the others.
8. Devas-Tate provides the voice of doom.
9. Poten-Tate wants to be a big shot.

But not all members of the family are bad.

10.Brother Facili-Tate is quite helpful in Club matters.
11.Sister Felici-Tate is a delightful, happy member of the family
12.Cousin Cogi-Tate and
13.Cousin Medi-Tate always think things over and lend helpful, steady hands.

And of course there is the black sheep of the family:

14. Ampu-Tate, who has completely cut himself off from the rest of society.

Are you a member of the "Tate" family?

*********************************


A little bit rude...

Chicken Wire

A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm.

His neighbour sees him and asks what he has.

The guy replies, "Its chicken wire and I'm going to catch some chickens."

His neighbour says, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

Later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.

He replies, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape." Sure enough later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.

The guy replies, "Its pussy willow."

He says, "Hold on, let me get my hat."

*********************************


Billy Connolly on Retirement.

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f#@$ing break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a shlthead.. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age..........

*********************************


Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten women and one man.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

However, they were not able to designate a person, until the man gave a very touching speech.

He said that he would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a house-husband, he was used to giving up everything for his high-flying executive wife and kids, and he was accustomed to making sacrifices, with little or nothing in return.

As soon as he finished his speech, all the women started clapping.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)