View Full Version : Monday Laughs:....Posting early for Xmas..........Medical Themes......

Billy T
10-08-2014, 10:48 PM
I recently picked a new primary health-care physician, and after two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him: "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

In response, he asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either." Then he asked: "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?" I said, "no, my previous Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Well" he asked, "do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said:

"Then why do you give a damn if you live to be 80 or not?"


A woman went to the local Medical Centre where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out of the room screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and when she calmed down, she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

He then marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 71 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and four great-grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Yes I did, but does she still have the hiccups?"


A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mum screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He finally stops and eventually mum leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mum comes in from the store and while putting away the grocery gets the urge.

It is a diarrhoea attack and she barely makes it to the toilet in time, then SPLOOOOSH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. There's shite sprayed all around the bowl, and in the middle is this huge brown lump. She's not sure what this strange-looking lump is, and she is a bit worried so she calls her doctor.

As she describes the situation, her Doctor is baffled , but he assures her he'll come over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of prods it to see what it might be, then POP! (or is that POOP?) the balloon explodes and the shite is everywhere. On him, the walls, the ceiling, the floor etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she cries!

He replies, "yes, I think so, but I've been in medical practice for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart!"


A GP is giving a patient a Smear test.

The Doctor says, "Thats the biggest I've ever seen, thats the biggest I've ever seen."

The patient replies, "You don't have to say it twice you know."

The doctor replies, "I didn't."


A bloke out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch by a wayward drive. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could breath again, he took himself straight to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it Doc?... I'm going on my honeymoon next week."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four wooden tongue depressors and formed a tidy little four-sided splint, then neatly taped it all together - an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, they marry and off they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.

She said, "You're the first; no man has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Well, look at this, still in its CRATE!"


Billy 8-{) :)

11-08-2014, 11:27 AM
A GP is giving a patient a Smear test.

The Doctor says, "Thats the biggest I've ever seen, thats the biggest I've ever seen."

The patient replies, "You don't have to say it twice you know."

The doctor replies, "I didn't."

Brilliant! I'm still giggling...

11-08-2014, 01:36 PM
So am I, so am I

Ken :D

11-08-2014, 04:23 PM
Brilliant! I'm still giggling...

Took me a while, took me a while ...


11-08-2014, 08:53 PM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,'What a beautiful baby.'The mother said, 'Why,Thank you, Johnnie. Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f_ _ _ed if he needed glasses.

11-08-2014, 09:31 PM
Awesome :D