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View Full Version : Monday Laughs:....Early Bird Edition..............



Billy T
28-07-2014, 12:01 AM
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Little Johnny comes home from school one day and sees his mother washing up in the kitchen sink, he notices the bulge of his Mum's stomach.

"What have you got in your tummy Mum " he asks.

" It's a baby" she replies.

"Where did you get it?"

"Daddy gave it to me" she says.

Johnny goes away and watches TV till Dad comes home.

"Dad" he asks "Did you give Mum a baby?"

"Yes Son" his father proudly replies.

"Well" says Little Johnny, looking sadly into his father's eyes, "She's eaten it"

*********************************


A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of University.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear, and when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around, so I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors lines running in and out of him.

He was in real bad shape!

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

*********************************


A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said the he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number 18, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the Pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The Pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The Pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation, and if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

*********************************


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt, and that's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"



Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

R2x1
28-07-2014, 01:59 AM
:banana:banana
:thanks

tutaenui
28-07-2014, 09:09 PM
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly*jumped into the deep end.* He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.* Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
*When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said,*'Edna, I have good news and bad news.* The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love .... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.* I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry ... How soon can I go home?'

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A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Hutt road. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.* The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the David Cunliffe, and they're asking for a $1 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse him in gasoline and set him on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
*
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."