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View Full Version : Monday Laughs:....The Late Late LATE Show...........



Billy T
14-04-2014, 10:14 PM
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Let's start with something serious:

WAL-MART VS. THE MORONS (NOT A JOKE)

This is the state of a great country as of today!


1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at WalMart every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St.Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.


You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should get rid of the smirking assassin and hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix our economy.

*********************************


That's enough of serious.............Now for today's Blonde Joke.

Three women go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed that morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent..."

The executioner throws the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words: "I just graduated from the University of Western Ontario School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

The executioner throws the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from Ohio and just graduated from Queens University with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

I'm tellin ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

*********************************


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

*********************************


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

*********************************


Nine Investment tips for 2014

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next round of mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2014:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organisation of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

*********************************


Play on words................

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

14. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

15. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

16. A backward poet writes inverse.

17. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste for religion.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.

20. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

21. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal? To transcend dental medication.

*********************************


Saved the best till last...............


The graveside service had only just finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...


The little old man looked at the Pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there."



Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

gary67
15-04-2014, 07:48 AM
Hmm great idea to replace the idiot in the ivory tower with the Wal Mart bosses, I'll vote for that

Greg
15-04-2014, 04:30 PM
Hmm great idea to replace the idiot in the ivory tower with the Wal Mart bosses, I'll vote for thatI kinda doubt those figures are true, but if they then it makes good sense to get a good financier as top politician. Oops - I forgot - Mr Key is a highly successful financier! Damn shame he's not doing to our country's what Walmart bosses are doing to theirs.

gary67
15-04-2014, 05:51 PM
I kinda doubt those figures are true, but if they then it makes good sense to get a good financier as top politician. Oops - I forgot - Mr Key is a highly successful financier! Damn shame he's not doing to our country's what Walmart bosses are doing to theirs.
Pity we only have an average one with an ego

WalOne
15-04-2014, 08:50 PM
C'mon Greg and Gary67. This is a light hearted fun thread and BillyT deserves as many :thumbs: :) :lol: :thanks as we can.

What about leaving the political content out of your posts? :D

CliveM
15-04-2014, 08:53 PM
C'mon Greg and Gary67. This is a light hearted fun thread and BillyT deserves as many :thumbs: :) :lol: :thanks as we can.

What about leaving the political content out of your posts? :D
+1