View Full Version : Monday Laughs:....A wee trip down memory lane...........

Billy T
07-04-2014, 11:13 AM

From the PF1 Archives:

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, I'm not," says the man.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."



Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning fishing boat off the coast in the Irish Sea, and while rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously, then to his utter amazement, a genie did come forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortal man. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:

"Nice going Patrick...now we're going to have to pee in the boat."



Response #1 "Doesn't quite ring true though....I mean how would you ever tell the difference between Guinness and pee anyway?"

Response #2 "Pee has a better colour, a more aromatic nose with a hint of strawberries in the taste but is at least more drinkable than Guinness"
[Posted by Godfather, remember him? he was one of PF1's most knowledgeable members and across a wide range of subjects. Sadly missed.]


A man walks into a pub and takes seat at the bar.

The bartender comes over to get his order and sees a small 12-inch man getting out of the bag.

The tiny man is in a tux, and he proceeds to pull the sides of the bag down, which exposes a small baby grand piano.

The bartender is fascinated and asks the customer where he got the small man.

As the small man starts to play, the customer produces a magic lamp and says that this is how he got the piano player.

The bartender, always wanting to make some money, asks if he can use the lamp.

"Sure, go ahead" the customer replied.

The barkeep rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

"Give me a million bucks," he tells the genie.

"Your wish is my command," says the genie, and he claps his hands.

The bar is suddenly filled with ducks and feathers.

"I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks. Your genie is deaf!" yells the bartender.

"You're telling me! Do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?" the customer replies.



Back then, Monday Laughs was also into linguistic novelties, some of which generated snowdrifts of dandruff flakes:

"Girl goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. The barman gives her one."



In an english exercise the question was where to use "had" or "had had" as the correct tense.
One student had had, "had had". "Had had" was the correct answer.
Slightly contrived but a use of 6 hads
It can be done with 11 "hads".

If John wrote in his exam, for an answer "HAD" and James wrote for the same answer "HAD HAD" and James was correct, punctuate this sentence.



James, while John had had "had", had had "had had"; "had had" had had a better effect on the teacher. :thumbs:



Billy 8-{) :D

07-04-2014, 11:59 AM
"Girl goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. The barman gives her one."


07-04-2014, 02:04 PM
A man was hospitalised this morning with severe pains. X-rays found eight plastic horses in his rear. His condition is described as stable.

07-04-2014, 07:37 PM
:thumbs: :D :thumbs:

07-04-2014, 07:43 PM
I disagree, Pee smells far worse than Guinness although I haven't tasted pee I have tasted Guinness and its fine far superior to all that mass produced rubbish that most Kiwi's and Ozzies call beer

07-04-2014, 09:55 PM
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." " But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire. . . . and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

10-04-2014, 05:36 PM
Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Waikato dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ...........

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'