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View Full Version : Monday Laughs...A great comeback, US Politicians, the Irish....and how to get even..



Billy T
10-03-2014, 11:08 AM
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This is a portion of an ABC Television interview between Leigh Sales, a female journalist, and Australian General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop on a visit to his Military Headquarters. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this, it is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

The following was his response to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.


LEIGH SALES:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

LEIGH SALES:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

LEIGH SALES:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

LEIGH SALES:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.


God, I would've paid good money to have seen her face…

*********************************


G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he called his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you how that works."

So, she conference calls Tony Blair and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.


G.W. Bush hangs up, thinks a while, then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."


So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"


So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

(You may have to think about this one :D )

*********************************


In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, President George W. Bush bombed the Canary Islands.

Turkey was next.

*********************************


Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Sean says to Paddy; "Dat''s Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick, "Put dem in a pepper bag"

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick''s van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.

"Focket Dat," Paddy says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag.'

Seamus pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until he joins Sean''s mashed remains at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An oim never troyin'' that parrotshooting oider..."

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'

He pulls a chicken out of the bag, puts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff..........with the same result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.


"For me life Danny, first der was Sean wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin'' hengliding..."

*********************************


One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.

The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."

"Very smart," said the bartender.

"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."

"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"

"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

*********************************


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket, all he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the Casino where there was just one cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home and he offered him his credit card, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars cash, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and only just made it in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? ''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a BJ on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman leaned out the window and gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

tutaenui
10-03-2014, 12:29 PM
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just
served?'...

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These
are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins.....................

plod
10-03-2014, 01:30 PM
Don't forget comic relief this year. Just £5.00 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.

lordnoddy
10-03-2014, 02:48 PM
Don't forget comic relief this year. Just £5.00 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.

...Yeah I hear he's the first ever guy that's going to jail for taking his girlfriend out on Valentines Day...

Billy T
10-03-2014, 02:52 PM
No worries Plod

He'll be found guilty for sure, he hasn't got a leg to stand on!

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :rolleyes: