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View Full Version : Monday Laughs ... Pe(e)king Duck, Psychiatrists and Proctologists, and Bunnings



WalOne
07-01-2013, 08:05 AM
:clap

A little boy asked his father, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

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A couple decide to go to their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, 'Chicken Surprise'.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter,'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same' he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter ... 'I've brought you the Peking Duck.'

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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Fred goes to see his doctor ...

... the doctor asks what is wrong and Fred says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."

"Yeah I know," replies Fred. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

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The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to, "Dr's Smith & Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors.
This was not acceptable, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.
They tried, "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then, "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Not good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.", - acceptable.

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A couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption centre called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

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School Question

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

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A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news: you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting $380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!'

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The Austrians a few years ago added Anti-Freeze (Glycol) to Pinot Noir and also Pinot Blanc.

In the Spirit of co-operation and radiator friendly quaffing the Albanians added Barr's Leaks. It's tentatively being called Pinot More.

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Ghost

A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands. That's a great response."

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly]... and says "Here, you can go."
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

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I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming..
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realised that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

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Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. Have I posted these before ...

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It's time for the off course substitutes - Sheriff Walone and Deputy R2x1 - to welcome back Billy T and Mrs Billy. Billy will be back as usual from next Monday.

R2x1 told me Bunnings were having a sale on Council Recliners, so I invested in a couple of them for us to relax in after a strenuous three weeks of cutting and pasting and agonising what we could get past the mods and what we couldn't ...

Here's a snap of your stand-in Monday Laughs perpetrators relaxing (it takes a lot of people to fill Billy's shoes). No, I am not in the shot - someone had to take the pic ...

4650

Speaking of Bunnings, this one's been here before, but still worth a final guffaw or three ...


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The customer, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The customer says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask
me if I'm Irish?"

The shop assistant replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."

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Slainte mhath!

:banana
:D:D

gary67
07-01-2013, 08:23 AM
:clap:clap

tutaenui
07-01-2013, 08:32 AM
A young man fancied th e young lass at the local Chinese restaurant and finally plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date to which she agreed. Any way the date was a great success with the action getting hotter and steamier as the night progressed. So much so that the young man suggested "do you fancy a bit of 69" at which the Chinese lass threw him off got up and shouted "you want combination Chow Mein now!"

kenj
07-01-2013, 08:33 AM
Excellent guys... Thanks for keeping up the Monday laughs, which we all look forward to. makes Monday worthwhile

Ken

A of bit of humour from my days in the CAB. Have to say that often a bit of levity was helpful in relieving the tensions in what was sometimes a stressful volunteer job. :thumbs:
************************************************** ********
Helen (a wonderful old Dutch lady) was trying to get a point across to a disturbed client on the phone when he said.

Don't tell me what to do you German b**ch

- to which Helen replied in her very broad Dutch accent...

I am not a german b**ch, I am a dutch b**ch
************************************************** *******
She was also heard to ask (during a lecture by a member of the HAB (hairy armpit brigade)) as to why farting was not mentioned on the presented A4 sheet of signs of child molestation. The HAB woman asked her why she asked....

to which dear old Helen replied

Well, you have mentioned every other natural body function, but not farting

The meeting broke up with roars of hysterical laughter as the HAB woman stalked out of the hall.

Gobe1
07-01-2013, 08:55 AM
haha i loved the deathbed one
thanks for the jokes Wal :thumbs:

Bobh
07-01-2013, 09:46 AM
Thanks WalOne. A few good laughs there.

lordnoddy
08-01-2013, 08:32 AM
Yay! Well done Walone! Here's my :2cents:
***
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."
***
One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he
had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a
few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes
later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he
took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck
are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
***
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He
inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to
go to 225 West 42nd St.
By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being
met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him.
She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone
would be with him soon.
He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really
getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house
offered.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and
found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot."
"Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take
my business elsewhere."
***
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He
says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

R2x1
08-01-2013, 11:18 AM
A tribe of cannibals had just polished off an entire circus. One remarked "Some of those exotic animals were interesting, but the clowns tasted a bit funny".
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

You've never been older than you are right now, and you will never be younger either. Might as well enjoy it.

~Your Kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are Perfect!

~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

~You are occasionally absent minded.

~You Forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do,
But you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's Called "pre-sleep".

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch..

~You are occasionally absent minded.

~You tend to use more 4 letter words .... "what?"...."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewellery, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~You are occasionally absent minded.

~You are occasionally absent minded.

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.

~It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived

R2x1
08-01-2013, 05:01 PM
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully.
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a @&^$!~* cat

WalOne
08-01-2013, 07:38 PM
A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and plead,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

:thanks LN

lordnoddy
09-01-2013, 10:42 AM
Another laugh and a half...
***
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A$$ ON THAT B%#@$!"

Gobe1
09-01-2013, 10:44 AM
:lol:

ChazTheGeek
09-01-2013, 04:44 PM
:lol::lol:

B.M.
10-01-2013, 11:14 AM
Nobody died as a result of this prank. :D

HERE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=52YQ05jEIMw#!)