PDA

View Full Version : Monday Laughs - the Christmas Eve Edition



WalOne
24-12-2012, 09:40 AM
Seasoned Gratings from Sheriff Walone and Deputy R2x1 standing in for Billy T while he’s away dealing to those Aussies. After recovering from the heady frisson of being appointed Editor (ohh, the power and the glory – as only an editor knows) it is now time to get down to the matter of softening the hearts of all except the most irrevocable of irrevocable cynics. [Cut the crap and get on with it – Ed #2]

So, without further ado, and hoping we can justify Billy T’s faith in us, here’s our Christmas Eve edition of Monday Laughs …

;)

VIDEO - LETS GET STARTED WITH A FLASH MOB

WESTJET FLASH MOB (http://devour.com/video/west-jet-christmas-flash-mob/)

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for. A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.

He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that while Chet certainly is pretty, he doesn't seem to be much of a singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his SWMBO and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." SWMBO is absolutely taken, but with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

With his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife suggested and the bird begins to sing – “Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire”!

(Ouch!)
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. It was then that Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

In the true spirit of Christmas: Santa understands how to handle this “new world”!!!

What a “with it” kinda guy:


Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy

><>><<><

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

><>><<><

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

><>><<><

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

><>><<><

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. Whatever I want, Man!
T-Bone

><>><<><

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

><>><<><

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy

><>><<><

Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

VIDEO Santa’s stuck, up in the chim-an-ee

SANTA STUCK IN THE CHIMANEE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=557tQC86thA)

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT hause!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It was the doctor's last patient consultation of Christmas Eve. A mother came in with her young daughter and asked if he would examine her because she had been showing some strange symptoms, including a significant increase in weight, sickness most mornings and a number of strange cravings.

He checked her out very carefully and eventually told the mother that her daughter was unquestionably pregnant. At which news she protested very strongly “'don't be ridiculous, my daughter has never been with a man.”

The girl confirmed that this was true and added that she had never so much as kissed a man.

The doctor studied the girl very carefully, then quietly stood up, walked to the window and stared out of it. Suspecting the worst the mother asked if there was something wrong.

"No, not really" replied the doctor. 'It might just be a coincidence, but the last time this happened, a bright star appeared the East.'

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled. The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Trev?”

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed.

Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by dishevelled man who was obviously the worse for drink.

'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth."

"Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face.

He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by SWMBO.

"How could you be so mean and uncharitable," she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you."

Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all.

On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you?

The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing."

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'and just what do those symbolise?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so the Christmas season begins......

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Why a Christmas Tree is better than a Man:

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I think that Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.

He'd always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His followers loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.

After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.

He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, it was going to rain. He had his entire Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he had a proud heritage, it still wasn’t going to rain.

They argued back and forth for hours, so much that they went to bed mad at each other.

During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen.

That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.

"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain."

SWMBO admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"

To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red, knows rain dear!"

:groan:

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman:

1. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
2. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
3. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
4. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
5. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
6. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
7. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
8. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
9. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
10. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face? Because the snowblower was coming down the
Street.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

After eating too much over Christmas, and needing to shed a few kilos, Robert, and his wife Jennifer, went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. They followed the instructions extremely closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual portions. Robert and Jennifer felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful; they had never felt better, nor did they ever feel hungry.

As time progressed, Robert and Jennifer realized that they were, in fact, putting on weight and not losing it. They decided that they ought to check the detail of the recipes just one more time. It was then that they found their error.

There, in small print, Robert and Jennifer saw, to their horror: 'Serves 6'.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Have a merry Christmas guys!

:banana
:D:D

Digby
24-12-2012, 09:58 AM
Great WalOne!

I really liked Timmy's letters to Santa.

Merry Xmas to you all

ChazTheGeek
24-12-2012, 10:18 AM
HAHAHA:D...Great Job Wal!

tut
24-12-2012, 10:30 AM
Good one wal. Loved the Parrot joke.

Gobe1
24-12-2012, 10:53 AM
These are Carols Haw Haw brilliant!
thanks Wal you have done extremely well and the colours and festive-ness was great :thumbs:

gary67
24-12-2012, 11:55 AM
You have surpassed yourself Well done Wal

mikebartnz
24-12-2012, 12:03 PM
Timmy's letter and the Irish man were the best.

WalOne
24-12-2012, 02:04 PM
Thanks for the kudos, guys - but please remember this and the next two Mondays are a joint effort with R2x1 :clap

WalOne
25-12-2012, 09:19 AM
Bugger Xmas in the Park - try this for kicks :D

Fastest Christmas Carol (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TjncA7jau2g) - BMW's version

:banana
:D:D

(Kudos Whale Oil)

R2x1
26-12-2012, 05:33 PM
I don't know how the jokes are making out, but we seem to be getting quite a few other peoples' weather.



It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.... He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked.... 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
The meteorologist at the weather service responded....'Yes...it looks that way'...
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service and asks again.... 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes'..... the man at National Weather Service again replied...... 'it is going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied...... 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied......'Well....for one.....the Indians are collecting an unbelievable load of firewood'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Or this slightly old tune (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IA8B5u65R1M) that I should have found yesterday.

pctek
26-12-2012, 06:59 PM
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tommorrow, rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow, storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broke."

R2x1
26-12-2012, 10:49 PM
THE CHURCH DINNER!

A group of friends who all attended the same church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialise, and play games. They would meet in each home in rotation and the resident/s of that house were to provide a meal.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to do something special. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But when she checked at the local greengrocer she was shocked at the cost of their mushrooms. Regretfully she told her husband, "Mushrooms are out. They're too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the back paddock and pick some of those mushrooms. There are plenty down near the creek."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see rabbits eating them and they don't seem to suffer any ill effects." So Janet decided to give it a try.. She picked a basket full, then washed, peeled and sliced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back verandah and gave Ol' Spot (the dog) a dish of the mushrooms. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialised, and played '21' and dominoes. But then a neighbour knocked on the door and said, Mrs Williams I am sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings but Ol' Spot is dead."

Janet went into hysterics.

After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."

Soon an ambulance arrived. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, each person was taken into the bathroom and given an enema. Then his or her stomach was pumped out.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak as they sat around the living room . The neighbour, who had stayed at the house through all the drama, sank into a seat beside Janet.
"You know," she said" that fellow who ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

WalOne
27-12-2012, 09:41 AM
:lol::lol::lol:

WalOne
27-12-2012, 12:20 PM
Remembering the 1960’s

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought in the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen ... "The dance is called the Twist!!!"

:D

WalOne
28-12-2012, 12:57 PM
I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of prawns Then I saw a red belly black with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good barra bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the problem was how to release the snake without getting bitten.So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

WalOne
29-12-2012, 01:20 PM
Last post for Christmas, folks - Why Red Wine is so important at Christmas

4627

Look for Monday Laughs again - the New Years Eve Edition. Coming to a computer screen near you - Monday!

:D

lordnoddy
29-12-2012, 04:47 PM
Haha love this thread guys thanks heaps!

Wal - that red wine one is epic cheers!

R2x1
30-12-2012, 09:57 PM
The old Indian Chief was feeling his age, with sundry aches and pains making his life miserable.
On the urging of his wife, he visited the Medicine Man. "Well Chief, you have what is called 'Too many past skinfuls' and things have caught up with you. I will make up a remedy, come by in the morning and it will be ready".
Next morning the Chief dutifully reported and was given a long thong of buffalo hide reeking of extremely bad news. "Take this thong Chief and chew it thoroughly, the nine secret herbs and spices will cast out your ailments and you will be cured". The Chief took his thong and went home. For six weeks he dutifully chewed the thong, three hours in the morning and another three hours of serious mastication in the evening. Finally, he reported to the Medicine Man again.
"How, Chief?"
"Bad, Medicine Man; very bad. The thong is ended but the malady lingers on".

Gobe1
30-12-2012, 11:04 PM
Haha love this thread guys thanks heaps!

Wal - that red wine one is epic cheers!

+2 hahhahahahahaaaa

wainuitech
30-12-2012, 11:12 PM
(The was funny at the time)

SWMBO said she's going to be completely organised this year

:lol: :lol: