PDA

View Full Version : Monday Laughs...............more or less back to normal.



Billy T
24-09-2012, 04:47 PM
.
.
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice'a, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for da 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up."

*********************************


One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight; starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down and we felt sorry for her, so we put her in a carrier and took her to our Vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'

The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so, and he said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks' and he pointedly reminded the Vet that it was me, his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye, the Vet calls him 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the Vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion..

The next day my husband had an appointment with his Doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor when a side door opened and theVet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant, and God only knows who the father is!'

Then he closed the door.

The silence was deafening.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

*********************************


The Difference Between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school, daily, by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife drove the grandchild to school. That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or f#$K*!g drongo anywhere on the way to school today!'

*********************************


Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says: 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the ar$ehole - and they are interchangeable'

*********************************


Three Italian Nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first Nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren;' and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, 'I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone too.

The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini.'

St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks. 'Sara Pipalini,' replies the Nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry Sister, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'

The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

'No Sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 400 men in 6 months.'


If you laugh, you're going straight to hell

*********************************


Finally, and in memory of my friend of 51 years...........

Please read the following quietly then send it back on its journey, and remember, never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up.


To realise the value of a sister or brother, ask someone who doesn't have one.

To realise the value of ten years: ask a newly divorced couple.

To realise the value of four years: ask a graduate.

To realise the value of one year: ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realise the value of nine months: ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn child.

To realise the value of two months: ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby..

To realise the value of one minute: ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realise the value of one-second: ask a person who has escaped an accident.

Time waits for no one, so treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

To realise the value of a friend or family member: lose one.


Remember....Hold on tight to the ones you love!


Billy 8-{)

KarameaDave
24-09-2012, 04:56 PM
Cheers Billy

Bobh
24-09-2012, 05:26 PM
Well worth the wait Billy. :thanks

Nick G
24-09-2012, 05:53 PM
Great jokes Billy, I'm heading straight to hell :D

The last entry gives us all something to think about as well.

kenj
24-09-2012, 06:00 PM
Great ones Billy... i'm afraid I am off to join Nick

Ken

WalOne
24-09-2012, 06:09 PM
Cheers, Billy.

:)

Gobe1
25-09-2012, 09:40 AM
Awesome thanks Billy, I liked the first one the best. the last one was nice too

Cheers

gary67
25-09-2012, 08:51 PM
I think I'm in hell

R2x1
25-09-2012, 09:23 PM
Not to worry - the cardboard cathedral will save your sole.

WalOne
26-09-2012, 01:19 PM
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

:lol:

lordnoddy
26-09-2012, 05:03 PM
Gold Wal - Well done...
Thanks Billy =D I love Monday Laughs!!!

ChazTheGeek
26-09-2012, 05:42 PM
:D funny guys.