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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Nuns, Politicians, Lawyers and Criminals....just your usual Monday



Billy T
10-09-2012, 11:49 AM
.
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I once knew a stand-up comedian who was born with no legs.

He was fired for sitting down on the job.

He argued with the Boss but got nowhere, so he went to an Employment Lawyer.

No joy there either, the Lawyer said he didn't have a leg to stand on…………

*********************************


After a covert visit to the local “Pleasure Palace,” a Politician notices big green lumps on his willy, so off he goes to his doctor.

“I'm afraid that is quite serious” says the Doctor, "and you'll not be sheet-surfing for quite a while!"

"Oh my god" cries the politician "What on earth is it?"

“Well” says the Doctor,“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”

“Yes” says the Politician, nodding seriously.

The Doctor says: “I'm afraid you’ve got a bad crop of brothel sprouts.”

*********************************


A Nun was 'caught short' on the street, and badly needing to use the toilet, she went into a local Bar.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would flash off, then back on again.

Every time the lights went out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use your toilets? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the Nun. So the bartender showed her to the Ladies at the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give her a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I used your facilities?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled Nun.

'Well you see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out in the bar. Now, how about that drink?'

*********************************


Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals into nursing homes.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a comfortable suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, exercise room, spiritual counselling, heated pool, education, adequate clothing, shoes, slippers, warm nightwear, and legal aid would be free on request.

There would be private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard and gardens. Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be adhered to strictly.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week, live in a tiny room charged at $600.00 per week that they or their rellies must pay, and they'd have no hope of ever getting out alive.

Sounds fair enough to me........

*********************************


Think about this
---------------------

The UN keeps talking about drafting Constitutions for African and Arab dictatorships ...

Why don't we just give them ours?

It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.

---------------------

Supposedly for 'secular' reasons, we can't have the Ten Commandments displayed in a Courthouse or Parliament, but the real reason is this:

You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.

---------------------

Think about this too ....

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- you are probably part of the problem!

It is time for the grumpy old folk of NZ to speak up!


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

Gobe1
10-09-2012, 11:55 AM
haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy

lordnoddy
10-09-2012, 12:17 PM
haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy

+1 - Cheers Billy!

mikebartnz
10-09-2012, 12:34 PM
haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy
+1

Agent_24
10-09-2012, 01:08 PM
I liked the one about jail vs rest homes, so true...

Nick G
10-09-2012, 01:10 PM
haha awesome, love the fig leaf one.. thanks Billy
+1

Bobh
10-09-2012, 01:14 PM
Good laughs - I liked the fig leaf one.

ChazTheGeek
10-09-2012, 07:05 PM
Good one Billy, Funny!!

tutaenui
10-09-2012, 09:07 PM
Your story of the legless man reminds me one about an armless man.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms! He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk, so happy and going on with his life."

He hurried down and caught up with the armless man. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had almost committed suicide. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with zero arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. The one-armed man asked, 'Why are
you so happy, anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy!! My balls itch."

gary67
10-09-2012, 09:19 PM
What do you call a man with no arms or legs swimming?




Bob!


What do you call a male child with no arms or legs?







Bouy

lordnoddy
11-09-2012, 02:22 PM
A guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at the bus stop.
When the bus pulled up the door opened and the Irish driver said...
" 'i, 'i, 'i, you look 'armless, 'op on."

Gobe1
11-09-2012, 03:21 PM
A guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at the bus stop.
When the bus pulled up the door opened and the Irish driver said...
" 'i, 'i, 'i, you look 'armless, 'op on."

:shakingmyhead: LOL

kenj
11-09-2012, 03:53 PM
Funny how some things start me laughing. SWMBO thinks i am mad at times!! Probably right ;)

Saw a picture on a website yesterday. It was simply a headstone with the name HISCOCK on it.

Not that that was funny, till I read the caption which was ......wonder where they buried the rest of him?

Ken :thumbs:

ChazTheGeek
11-09-2012, 05:37 PM
A guy with 3 eyes, no arms and one leg was waiting at the bus stop.
When the bus pulled up the door opened and the Irish driver said...
" 'i, 'i, 'i, you look 'armless, 'op on."

Pretty stuffed up guy...

R2x1
11-09-2012, 05:43 PM
Drink does that - he was half way to being legless.

ChazTheGeek
11-09-2012, 05:46 PM
And the smokes...

R2x1
11-09-2012, 05:53 PM
Nah, no smokes. If he was hopping a on bus he must have been out.

Chilling_Silence
11-09-2012, 06:12 PM
I liked the one about jail vs rest homes, so true...

Indeed :D

Thank Billy, always a good laugh :)

lordnoddy
12-09-2012, 11:30 AM
Drink does that - he was half way to being legless.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

wainuitech
12-09-2012, 04:11 PM
Just received this - I can relate as we all can LOL :D

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.




Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.


Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.


Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?


Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible..
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.


Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!


Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.


Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.


Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?


Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?


Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.


Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.


Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.


Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.


Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.


Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.


Thank You,
Human Resources

Chilling_Silence
12-09-2012, 04:27 PM
Oh man that's fantastic!

wratterus
12-09-2012, 04:30 PM
Nice Wainui. :D :lol:

Gobe1
12-09-2012, 04:36 PM
hahahaaaaa brilliant, copy, paste , done, smile. My work is done see you tomrrow

wainuitech
12-09-2012, 04:39 PM
Yes, Well - I had one today.

That will be the Cause
You could have F_____n told me that earlier on.

They had changed ISP's a while back and none of the emails were working now, kind of forgot to mention that one tiny fact after spend 30 minutes trying to figure whats wrong with the User Names or passwords.:groan:

Agent_24
12-09-2012, 04:40 PM
I already use #8 quite often!

Gobe1
12-09-2012, 04:58 PM
I already use #8 quite often!

Same, goes with number 5 before it or after it really well :)

johcar
12-09-2012, 06:02 PM
Can't remember whether this one has been here or not....

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks,"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.

"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the manlooks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.

"I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a rum?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of turtle bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing."You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "...you've built a golf course?"

ChazTheGeek
12-09-2012, 06:24 PM
Come on....

lordnoddy
13-09-2012, 10:42 AM
-_- was almost TL : DR and now I wish I hadn't haha.

Gobe1
13-09-2012, 10:57 AM
>< hahahaaaa

zqwerty
13-09-2012, 10:58 AM
Funny because it's ludicrous.

pctek
13-09-2012, 04:08 PM
I become confused when I hear the word "Service"used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

mikebartnz
13-09-2012, 05:27 PM
I become confused when I hear the word "Service"used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City & public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
:thumbs::D