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Billy T
25-06-2012, 01:16 PM
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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

*********************************


A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a prostitute in Taupo, but I worked both sides of the Lake ..."

*********************************


Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women

A PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

*********************************


Ten Sure Ways To Know If Your Wife Has "Oestrogen Issues"

1. Everyone around her has an attitude problem.

2. She insists on adding chocolate chunks to her cheese omelette.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of her jeans.

4. You suddenly realise it is safer to agree to everything she says.

5. She's using her cellphone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".

6. To her, everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Everyone she meets seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

9. She is 100% certain that everyone around her is scheming to drive her crazy.

10. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and she only bought it yesterday.

*********************************


A Canadian Lament, with a familiar refrain.........

My name is Norman and I am a Canadian ..or to be more correct, maybe I should say Euro-Canadian, eh!

I was born in 1958, yet I am (obviously) responsible for some Natives being "screwed" out of "their" land back in the 1700's. Not only must I support them with 'treaty' money. I must make sure they NEVER pay any taxes in this country.

ALL the money I make until mid July goes to pay various municipal, provincial and federal taxes.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly threatening to separate, Quebec still provides most my Nation's Prime Ministers.

About 95% of my Nation's international conflicts are over fish, or animals that eat fish!

I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol must be fair, because that's how much tax I pay on gasoline!

I believe spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair, while Quebec spends several million trying to eliminate all signs in English in the Province of Quebec.

I believe that paying $30 million for a painting of 3 red and blue stripes ("The Voice of Fire" in the National Art Gallery) was a very canny purchase, even though 99% of the people in this country didn't want it or will ever see it, or really do not want to see it.

When I look at my payslip and realize that only I take home a third of what I make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans," even though I know delays in the waiting rooms could kill me first!

I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry because (apparently) I control the rain.

My National Anthem has versions in both official languages and after so many changes I don't know the words in either one of them.

Canada has the largest Civil Service per capita in North America, with a tiny military, but we can brag that Quebec is the No. 1 destination of fleeing terrorists.

I am not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer whose elected representatives have made sure I am usually broke.

My name is Norman, and I AM CANADIAN.

And that is probably why I drink so much Canadian beer, eh!


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

Thanks for not asking, but No, Mrs T does not read Monday Laughs!
I have a strong self-preservation instinct, not a death wish!

gary67
25-06-2012, 01:39 PM
I like the Canadian one best could apply to any country with an Indigenous population. Not that NZ does

Nick G
25-06-2012, 01:41 PM
Thanks for not asking, but No, Mrs T does not read Monday Laughs!
I have a strong self-preservation instinct, not a death wish!

:lol: :lol:

Love it Billy!

Bobh
25-06-2012, 02:14 PM
Good Monday laughs.

WalOne
25-06-2012, 03:02 PM
Good ones Billy.

:)

Gobe1
25-06-2012, 04:34 PM
Awesome
Love the emu one and the canadian lament

SP8's
25-06-2012, 06:26 PM
Thanks for not asking, but No, Mrs T does not read Monday Laughs!
I have a strong self-preservation instinct, not a death wish!

And on that subject ... I shall give you this ...


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly
husbands' marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who
said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary,
to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had
managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,

'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on
her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded,

'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are
planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied,

" I gonna go back and pick her up."

johcar
27-06-2012, 05:20 PM
(What?! Me? Sexist? I just call it like I see it!)

A new sign in the bank:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, separate MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the ATM.
2. LOWER your car window...
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to ATM machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN ....
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to ATM machine.
21. Retrieve card..
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
27. Release hand brake.

pctek
27-06-2012, 06:23 PM
Nope, sorry johcar. It's a husband procedure. Except he drives up ok, but the ATM usually times out while he fumbles around, finding his glasses, reinserting card the right way round, remembering pin.