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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Earlybird Special....I'm on the road at 5:30am tomorrow ........



Billy T
18-09-2011, 10:22 PM
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1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years

Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.


Lesson to be learned?


The next time Charles gets married........


Someone should warn the Pope.

*********************************


The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of larks and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?


Believe it or not ....... A Congress!



I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!


(Actually it is a Troop or a Flange of Baboons, and 'Congress' is not applied to anything but US Politicians (an alternative lifeform similar to, but not the same as, baboons or other biped animals ). Billy)

*********************************


A kiwi and two visiting Rugby fans were drinking in a bar and the conversation worked its way around to their sexual prowess, as it does........

An Italian fellow said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil.
Then we made passionate love.

I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."


The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil,
And then we made passionate love.

I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."


The Kiwi fellow said: "That's nothing!!!

Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then we made love.

I made her scream for two long hours."


The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two hours? Phenomenal!

What did you do to make her scream for two hours?"


The Kiwi said: "I wiped my hands on her Grandmother's antique silk bedspread and pillow cases."

*********************************


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for Eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen says nothing, but takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse and drinks it down.

Then, Her Majesty wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'Okay, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

I show you two of God's own most perfect creations and you turn me down.

Queenie here pees into a toilet and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly.' says the Angel.

'But even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are!

*********************************


A large passenger jet crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia.

Panic stricken, the local Police Inspector mobilised his officers and descended on the farm in force.

By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a treeline that bordered the farm.

The Inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They then spotted the farmer not too far away and ploughing a field as if nothing had happened so they hurried over to his tractor.

"John" the Inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see his terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all got killed straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."

"Gillard is dead?" the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor, "she kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a lying cow she is!


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D

goodiesguy
18-09-2011, 10:38 PM
Loved the last one :lol:

milkster1976
18-09-2011, 11:06 PM
nice :)

GameJunkie
18-09-2011, 11:09 PM
brilliant :D

icow
18-09-2011, 11:09 PM
:lol: also liked the last one.

Bobh
18-09-2011, 11:16 PM
Good laughs :lol:

gary67
19-09-2011, 08:55 AM
Great

Gobe1
19-09-2011, 10:49 AM
a Royal Flush beats a Pair, no matter how big they are Haw Haw
All brilliant
Cheers Billy

Agent_24
19-09-2011, 12:32 PM
Liked the Pope one :lol:

Woody
19-09-2011, 10:33 PM
Well Done again Billy.
Here's a topical one for you.
Teacher in OZ School asks pupils "Hands up all those Wallabies Fans". All except little Jane raised their hands. "Aren't you a Wallabies fan" asked the teacher. 'No" said Jane. "I'm an All Black fan" "Why on earth are you an All Black fan" asked the teacher. "Because My Dad's an All Black fan, and my Mother's an All Black fan so I'm an All Black fan." said Jane.
"That's no reason at all" said the teacher. "Supposing your Mother was a moron and your Father was a moron, would that make you a moron too?" "No" said Jane,"Then I'd be a Wallabies fan"

johcar
20-09-2011, 01:13 PM
(Emailed to me - something to offend every equally here. I take no responsibility for inaccuracies. :D)

Pool A

Canada
Basic Info : This large North American nation of 34.6 million is best known as the smaller (and smarter) brother of the U..S of A.
If you meet a Canadian in the street : You may struggle understanding a Canadian in the street. This is because they may be speaking French or a strange English dialect in which the term "eh" is used at the end of each sentence.
Chances of Winning : Although hockey is the passion of the majority of native Canadians, the similarities in the two sports (violence and cold weather) should see them take a win or two.
Canadians You May Know : Wayne Gretzky - (Hockey superstar whose big heart in a small body would have made him a perfect halfback). Justin Beiber (Girl band singer and proponent of bad haircuts)

France
Basic Info : Small European Nation with a population of 65.8 million people, half of whom are Englanders filming "A Place In The Sun" style reality programmes for the Living Channel. Best known to kiwis for blowing up the Rainbow Warrior
If you meet French people in the street : Duck for cover
Chances of Winning : Almost nil - unless Wayne Barnes referees all their important matches.
French People You May Know : Alain Marfart & Dominique Prieur (Saboteurs), Sébastien Chabal ( Rugby player and missing link)

Japan
Basic Info : Asian Island Nation of 128 million people with an industrial focus on high tech industries in which the good ideas of other nations are transformed into actual working products.
If you meet Japanese people in the street : Be prepared to smile for plenty of photos.
Chances of Winning : A game? Maybe. The Tournament? Snowballs chance in hell.
Japanese People You May Know : Surprisingly, you may know many of the Japanese squad members competing this year. They include John Kirwan-san (Auckland Marist), Luke Thompson-san (Kaiapoi), James Arlidge-san (Pakuranga) and Shaun Webb-san (Blenheim).

New Zealand
Basic Info : Consistently proven as not only the greatest rugby country on the planet, but the greatest country full stop. This nation of 4.4 million people and 40 + million sheep is heaven on earth.
If you meet Kiwis in the street : Remember to introduce yourself to the trailing sheep and try to discuss the rugby early in the conversation. Kiwis are notoriously single minded when it comes to rugby and can be found to be ignorant in other areas - particularly foreign cultures. Kiwi's tendency to stereotype is legendary.
Chances of Winning : Put the house on it.
Kiwis You May Know : Lord Sir Ayatollah Graham Henry (Greatest coach in any sport - ever), Sir Daniel Carter (Greatest player in any sport - ever), Fred Dagg (Composer of NZ's national anthem "We Don't Know How Lucky We Are")

Tonga
Basic Info : Pacific Island Nation of 100,000 people
If you meet a Tongan in the street : Tongans are easy people to spot on account of the Tongan flags hanging off their cars. Rest assured the $2 shop has made their millions. Mentioning Manu Vatuvei should start the conversation nicely.
Chances of Winning : With all Tongan games in the North Island of New Zealand (or the South Island of Tonga as it is often referred to) the Tongans will be looking at the Canadians and Japanese as possibilities for a win.
Tongans You May Know : Manu Vatuvei (League Legend), Paea Wolfgram (Winner of Tonga 's first Olympic metal), Willie Mason (Twat)

Pool B

Argentina
Basic Info : South American Nation of 40 million horse riders, steak eaters and tango dancers.
If you meet an Argentine in the street : Striking a moment of sobriety amongst Argentina fans is a rare moment indeed and should be treated with respect. If you encounter them on the other 99.9% of their NZ tour, ensure you know the ole, ole, ole, ole chant back to front.
Chances of Winning : The Argies will surprise a few at this tournament - keep an eye on their first encounter with the Poms to get an idea of how their tournament will proceed.
Argentines You May Know : Di ego Maradona (Handball player), Che Guevara (Legendary revolutionary leader or common murderer depending on your political lean)

England
Basic Info : Island nation (not the Pacific type - more the Nordic type) off the coast of Europe. The majority of the 52 million population enjoy cups of tea, a pint of bitter at'pob, Coronation Street and rioting.
If you meet a Pom in the street : Don't worry about talking to them - you won't get a word in edge wise. Sit quietly and listen to how well they are going to do before chanting "You're going home in an All Black Ambulance" several times.
Chances of Winning : The Poms are traditionally much better at inventing sports than playing them. Interesting to note that a full squad of players has been sent to New Zealand despite the team only ever playing ten man rugby. Take the chances your average Pom thinks they have of winning the RWC and divide it by 10.
Poms You May Know : Johnny Wilkinson (Statue), Queen Elizabeth The Second (Women's magazine subject and part time cruise ship), David Beckham (Comedian),

Romania
Basic Info : European nation of 24 million people, many of whom (despite general opinion to the contrary) are not vampires. Also inventors of a brutal petrol-like alcoholic substance that is sure to make my Christmas mornings a misery when our neighbours pop over with a bottle every Christmas Eve.
If you meet Romanians in the street : Popular opinion suggests most Romanians only come out at night. Commiserate with them on their string of heavy defeats at RWC 2011. Don't accept any clear alcoholic substances under any circumstances.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua v Lewis and you'll be in the ballpark.
Romanians You May Know : Count Dracula ( Sesame Street Character)

Georgia
Basic Info : Not the American State apparently. A sovereign state in the South Caucasus region of Eurasia (thanks Wiki). Georgia 's 4.7 million inhabitants are best known for being that team at RWC 2011 whose flag no one knows. It is always being invaded by Russia and suffers very cold winters followed by very cold summers.
If you meet Georgians in the street : Comment on how cold it is in New Zealand at this time of the year and ask if they'd noticed how few times Russia has invaded since the opening ceremony. If that fails sing them "Georgia on my mind" and run like the wind.
Chances of Winning : Think Cameron v Tua and you'll be in the ballpark.
Georgians You May Know : Martin Luther King Jr (Politician), The Guy That Invented Coca Cola (Inventor), Hulk Hogan (Actor)

Scotland
Basic Info : That bit on the map above England but coloured in a different colour is the home to 12 million Scots. The national drink is whiskey and the Laphroaig brand is the reason I'm often absent from work on Mondays.
If you meet a Scotsman in the street : Don't suggest that you go out for a drink - you'll end up penniless due to the Scots reputation for short arms and deep pockets.
Chances of Winning : Think Tua, Cameron and Lewis v you in a Battle Royal and you'll be in the ballpark.
Scots You May Know : Mel Gibson (Actor), Billy Connolly (Swearer), Alexander Graham Bell (The bloke that stole the plans for the telephone from an Italian bloke then stole all the fame and fortune for "inventing" said telephone)

Pool C

Australia

Basic Info: Large island off the coast of New Zealand inhabited by 21 million convicts, 2 million New Zealanders and enough deadly animals to ensure any smart Kiwi stays well away.

If you meet an Australian in the street: You have my sympathy.

Chances of Winning: As always the Aussies rate themselves highly coming in to the tournament and are likely going to be the Mighty Mighty All Blacks final victim.

Australians You May Know: John Farnham (Best. Mullet. Ever), Split Enz (NZ Rock Band), Crowded House (NZ Rock Band), Dragon (NZ Rock Band), Phar Lap (NZ Race Horse), Quade Cooper (NZ First-Five), Russell Crowe (Australian Actor)

Ireland

Basic Info: A rare combined team comprising the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland . These two nations stop blowing each other up for six weeks every four years to compete at the Rugby World Cup.

If you meet Irish people in the street: You're in for a hell of a few days. Be prepared to drink Guinness 24/7, only stopping to eat steak and Guinness hotpots - with potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.

Chances of Winning: Pool C is probably the weakest of the lot. Ireland should make the quarters - failure to do so will result in lost Viaduct pub revenues of an estimated 10 million dollars.

Irish People You May Know: Darren Clarke (Golfer, Alcoholic), Colin Farrell (Actor, Alcoholic), Brian O'Driscoll (Rugby Player, "Could've doied")

Italy

Basic Info: Boot shaped south European nation of 61 million inhabitants. Most Italians argue a lot, sleep with anything that moves and live on the East Coast in an area called Jersey Shore ..

If you meet Italians in the street: Shake hands then fall to the ground grasping your eye, seething in agony. This will show your guests that you have a good knowledge of Italian soccer. Females should not approach Italian men under any circumstances.

Chances of Winning: The Azzurri have surprised a few northern journos with the odd victory over six-nations teams in the past. They may not win but there's every chance there'll be a lot of scoring going on.

Italian People You May Know: Luciano Pavarotti (Tenor, Womaniser), Silvio Berlusconi (Prime Minister, Womaniser), Giacomo Cassanova (Womaniser, Womaniser).

Russia

Basic Info: Freaking huge country of 143 million vodka drinkers that used to be part of the freaking huger U.S.S.R. before the Iron Curtain was torn down. Home of smoking hot but averagely talented tennis players.

If you meet Russians in the street: Ask for a nip of Vodka. Speak in a deep thundering voice and remove all vowels from the words you are using.

Chances of Winning: Are you serious?

Russians You May Know: Maria Sharapova (The New Anna Kournikova), Anna Kournakova (The Old Maria Sharapova), Dasha Astafieva (Cover Girl - Playboy Nude Playmates 2011), Nikita (That chick from the Elton John song that will never know anything about his home), Sergey Brin (Really, really rich),

United States of America

Basic Info: Large North American country and self proclaimed centre of the universe, land of the free and home of the brave. None of which is true. The average IQ of Americans is amongst the lowest in the developed world with one group in particular dragging the average down. These people are known as Republicans.

If you meet Americans in the street: Speak slowly. The Americans have no idea what English is.

Chances of Winning: Significantly better than their chances in Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea or most of Central America but still less than ...01%.

Americans You May Know: George W Bush (Terrorist), Justin Timberlake (Talent yet to be discovered - but famous all the same), Larry Page (Really, really rich), Paris Hilton (rich tart)

Pool D

Fiji

Basic Info: Melanesian Island nation of 850,000 people ruled over by whichever army leader was involved in the last monthly military coup. Home of the world's worst beer "Fiji Bitter" and one of the best rugby sevens teams you'll ever see.

If you meet Fijians in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.

Chances of Winning: With 8 blokes on the field that have no idea why they are there, probably not very much at all.

Fijians You May Know: Joeli Vidiri (All Black Winger), Sitiveni Sivivatu (All Black Winger), Rupeni Caucaunibuca (All Black Winger), Josevata Rokocoko (All Black Winger)

Namibia

Basic Info: African country north of South Africa (unsurprisingly) of just over 2 million people. They have several deserts and a good women's roller hockey team. (Thanks Wiki)

If you meet Namibians in the street: You're probably not going to have much in common. I've researched thoroughly on Wiki and am yet to find anything interesting.

Chances of Winning: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha <breathes> hahahahahahahahahaha

Namibians You May Know: Percy Montgomery (Springbok fullback and pretty boy) - Namibian - who would have thunk it?

Samoa

Basic Info: Pacific Island Nation of 179,000 people who live in paradise. Samoa consists of 8 smaller islets and the three main islands of Upolu , Savai'i and Te Ika-a-Maui.

If you meet Samoans in the street: STAY. AWAY. FROM. THE. KAVA.

Chances of Winning: A realistic chance of toppling Wales for the second quarter final spot. a result that will send most of Auckland into a 7 day party.

Samoans You May Know: David Tua (O for Orsum), Peter Fatialofa (Piano Mover), Olo Brown (All Black prop that my cat is named after)

South Africa

Basic Info: Nation of 51 million people located in Africa 's South. Home of the great culinary delight known as Boerewors (like NZ sausages but made of meat).. New Zealand 's traditional rugby arch-rival (unless they beat us in which case all that matters is The Bledisloe Cup)

If you meet South Africans in the street: You are probably in Albany .

Chances of Winning: Probably the second favourites behind the Mighty Mighty All Blacks - therefore no chance at all.

South Africans You May Know: Suzie (Waitress), Pieter de Villiers (Comedian), Joel Stransky (Dream Crusher)

Wales

Basic Info: Country of 3 million leek eating, rugby loving coal miners who hate the English. Wales is not dissimilar to New Zealand in many ways. All Welsh men are named either Ian, Gareth, David or Thomas and have the last name Jones, Williams, Thomas or Evans. Beware of imitators.

If you meet Welsh People in the street: Try to induce phlegm whilst saying Prynhawn da, Pob dymuniad da. The Welsh language is less about the pronunciation and more about the amount of spit produced.

Chances of Winning: Absolutely no chance - but don't tell the Welsh - they don't realise it yet.

Welsh People You May Know: Bonnie Tyler (80s rock chick), Tom Jones (Underwear Model)

gary67
20-09-2011, 02:05 PM
I disagree with your choice of Graham Henry as the best coach ever.

Gordon Tietjens (probably spelt wrong) the 7's coach produces far more consistent winning teams despite loosing his best players every year to Union, and so having to make do with the cast off's yet still manages to win more matches than any other rugby side of any code

johcar
20-09-2011, 02:54 PM
@gary67 - please see the disclaimer at the top of my post. I just copied/pasted/tidied up a bit and posted... :)

Gobe1
20-09-2011, 03:32 PM
Emailed to me:
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words..............
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt..

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

johcar
20-09-2011, 04:08 PM
Brilliant, gobe1 - especially the "new TV show" one!!!!

Agent_24
20-09-2011, 04:09 PM
All of those were great!

Lurking
20-09-2011, 04:39 PM
Thanks folks,

Best laughs I've had for quite awhile.

Lurking.

SP8's
20-09-2011, 07:29 PM
。。。。Thanks Globe ... just got a smack 'round the left ear by the missus ... unlike johcar ... she didn't find the new TV show amusing ... :groan:

Gobe1
21-09-2011, 01:54 PM
In email again today, bloody brilliant!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3I6koQl2v0&feature=related