Monday Laughs......Let's offend everybody today, followed by Medical Advice...

[Billy T]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.
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Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.
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What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.
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What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and a Harley?

Nothing, they both have the prlcks on the outside.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.
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What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shlt...'
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Why is there no Disneyland in China ?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

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Meet our NEW Family Doctor...................Dr DoWhatYouLike! Q&A......


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they soaking by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
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Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope that has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about exercise, drinking, food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

[Bozo]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Love it! :D :clap

[Gobe1]

Brilliant
Thanks Billy

[gary67]

Excellent as usual Billy

[WalOne]

Thanks Billy. You make Mondays worth looking forward to :D

[KenESmith]

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher,
"I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said,
"Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....",
as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying,
"Mister, as an Officer of the DEA, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?!
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear.......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools and ran for the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs........












"Your badge, officer,
show him your BADGE........!!"

[plod]

I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought their usually pick cotton

[ReefRunner]

OMG Plod just wait for the feedback on that one!!:yuck:

[wainuitech]

The story goes like this:

TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.


One called Justin and the other called Christian.


The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'


A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'


Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.


Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.


Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.


All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.


While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.


He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.


With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.


'Where's Christian?' he asked.


'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.


Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.


As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.


He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'


Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'


Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........













'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'



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The Coat (http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html%3e)

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Comeback Lines:

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function ..... OUR job is to arrange the meeting.

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[goodiesguy]

I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought they usually pick cotton


LMFAO:lol:

[ubergeek85]

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bourbon in one hand - cigarette in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-F***IN-HOO, what a F***IN ride!!"

Fixed ;) saw something like that a long time ago, gotta admit it's true. Gonna be 20 soon and I've nearly got RSI, got some dodgy family knees, a rooted back, and on my way to arthritis soon (can crack pretty much any joint in my body - fingers, elbows, knees, neck, back, toes, ankles, knuckles, hell even my nose). Yeah, my body will be a smoking wreck when I'm done with it :lol:

[xyz823]

I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought their usually pick cotton

:lol:

[bot]

I saw a Negro buying a polyester shirt, I thought their usually pick cotton

:illogical Rly?

[lordnoddy]

Prawn again Christian... CLASIC!!!

[wotz]

Seems like they whinge wherever they are.

Holidaymakers' Feedback: Beyond Belief' Some people should not be allowed to go on holidays.

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays - listing some of the guests' complaints during the season.

(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

“I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong - he was slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[bot]

"The beach was too sandy."


The sea was probably too wet as well...

[SurferJoe46]

........and salty

[R2x1]

. . . also it was excessively deep in places too, plus the horizon was much further away than it needed to be.