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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Lawyers, and some corny jokes to follow ...........



Billy T
11-04-2011, 03:37 PM
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues, but just as he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and wipes off the driver's door. It zooms off, the driver apparently unaware that he has hit anything, and more than a little distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls the police.

A few minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The lawyer looks down in horror.

'F***!' he screams .......... 'Where's my Rolex ????

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Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction. "The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, You've finally lost your mind, but within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, unconscious, face up, totally naked, and without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time, So .. do you think we should .. well ... you know .. screw her?

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

*********************************


A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


It could have been me!

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The Job Search...


1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.


2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- anyway, it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... I couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't sufficiently noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried real hard but just couldn't fit in.


10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but found it impossible to live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.


12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realised there
was no future in it.


14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

*********************************


Great exercise to keep young and vital for people over 50:


Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

*********************************


Yesterday morning, I saw a radical gentleman of mixed racial origins ranting on about the white man and how we stole his land and that we owe him heaps - and have done for nearly a hundred and fifty years.

He was standing on a jetty on the Waikato River. He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

I'm beginning to think that I've wasted a bloody stamp!

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

bot
11-04-2011, 03:42 PM
:D Excellent

Ulsterman
11-04-2011, 08:34 PM
More on The Job Search:

My sister had a corker job at a bottling factory but they had to stopper.:D