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View Full Version : Monday Laughs....Anniversary Weekend (late) Special..



Billy T
31-01-2011, 03:56 PM
Sorry for the delay folks, I was out having our last family picnic before our daugher abandons the nest.


Let's have a go at the Aussies..........While I still can!


What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?

A laughing stock.

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The Australian bobsleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting.

They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

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Whatís the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?

A funeral director doesnít keep losing the ashes.

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Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?

Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: "You lads can bat.íí
Just as quick, Ponting replied: "No, we canít. We really canít."

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What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?

A waiter.

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Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?

The woman who irons their cricket whites.

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Whatís the height of optimism?

An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

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Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?

He forgot it was chained to his foot.

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What is the main function of the Australia coach?

To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

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On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife
and teammate Michael Hussey tells her heís heading out to the middle.

His wife replies: "Iíll hold, he wonít be long!"

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Whatís the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?

Nothing! If you blink youíll miss them both.

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Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

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What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

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What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

The entire Australian innings.

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Whatís the Australian version of LBW?

Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

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Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?

Because he can get out without even trying.

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What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?

A bat.

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What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?

A vacant lot.

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Why do Australians call their favourite drink Castlemaine XXXX?

Because they canít spell piss.

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Why canít Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?

They eat all the grass.

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What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?

They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

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Heard the one about the Englishman who was stopped by Australian immigration officers at Sydney airport?

They asked him if he had a criminal record. He replied: "I didnít know it was still necessary."

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Whatís the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix?

At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

********************************


There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Please, come in and sit down."

He made himself comfortable on the couch and then I asked:

"Now, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " I'm blowed if I know, I've never got this far before"

********************************

Way down in Bally-Go-Backwards, the back of beyond in Ireland, Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for several months and now her time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said, "Hey, Murphy! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "hold on! Looks like we ain't finished yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murphy! You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty 'lil ting, too."

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "bejesus Murphy, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murphy, you just had yourself another boy!"

Murphy said to the doctor, "Say Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"

The doctor said, "You never know Murphy, it was probably something that happened during conception."

Murphy said, "Ah yeah, someting during conception."

When Murphy and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yes Murph, I remember dat night..."

Murphy said, "well I'll tell you dis den, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

********************************


An old and drunken tramp, reeking of booze, sat down on a subway bench next to a priest. The man's collar was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a total lack of pesonal hygiene.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered: 'Oh, no, I don't have arthritis at all Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

********************************


A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping on her bed, unclothed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.



Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

ubergeek85
31-01-2011, 11:09 PM
WD-40? What about CRC-556!! :D

Cheers billy, always puts a smile on my dial.

8ftmetalhaed
31-01-2011, 11:58 PM
Oh lord, these are awesome.

Bozo
01-02-2011, 07:12 AM
Cheers again Billy, good selection :D

gary67
01-02-2011, 07:25 AM
Thanks Billy keep up the good work

WalOne
01-02-2011, 08:54 AM
:thanks

lordnoddy
01-02-2011, 11:30 AM
Sorry for the delay folks,

I read this and was like :confused: What delay it's only half way through Monday. Then realised that it's Tuesday haha.

Thanks Billy.

:punk

Morgenmuffel
01-02-2011, 11:41 AM
This isn't a joke, its news story but the picture just about made me pee myself laughing (http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/4602968/Hope-for-cross-eyed-opossum-Heidi)

WalOne
01-02-2011, 11:56 AM
This isn't a joke, its news story but the picture just about made me pee myself laughing (http://www.stuff.co.nz/oddstuff/4602968/Hope-for-cross-eyed-opossum-Heidi)

:lol::lol::lol: Priceless!

Gobe1
01-02-2011, 12:10 PM
Nice stuff Billy

Digby
01-02-2011, 03:50 PM
The Jehovah's witness one is outstanding