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View Full Version : Monday Laughs....Relationships, Drug runners & Golf..



Billy T
24-01-2011, 09:21 AM
An Aussie trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, 'I want your ugliest woman, a plate of burnt chops and half cooked spuds, and a stone cold coffee in the dirtiest mug you can find.'

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest young ladies, a lovely three-course meal and a bottle of fine wine.'

The trucker replies, 'Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny ...... I'm homesick.'

********************************


Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well, one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while, when she didn't return, he went looking and found her but she had been shot dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, and since there weren't any lady eagles available he realised he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely Dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good, but all the Dove would say is .... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well, being a huntin' and fightin' kind of bird, this really got on Harry's nerves, so he kicked the Dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy Loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good, but all the Loon would say is........ 'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So, out went the Loon too.

Once more Harry flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous Duck and he brought the Duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the Duck would say was.....


NO, The Duck didn't say THAT! ... Don't be so disgusting!


The Duck said....






'I am a DRAKE, You've made a MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

********************************


The Bacon Tree--

After three days and nights of avoiding US Border guards and rival smugglers wanting to hijack their shipment, two Mexican drug runners are lost in the desert, out of water, and wandering aimlessly, near to death. They are very close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden Luis lifts his head up, sniffs and gasps..........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"

"Is, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee too".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle to their feet, pick up their backpacks of Cocaine climb up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? Do not forget we ees in the Desert."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush

********************************


Men are like....


1. Men are like Laxatives... They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like Bananas... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials... You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many centimetres you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

********************************


A woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the Clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the Clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.

'Between the first and second holes', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, 'then your feet were too far apart.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

WalOne
24-01-2011, 09:35 AM
Eees a Ham Bush
Billy 8-{) :)

:groan:


Cheers Billy :lol:

Gobe1
24-01-2011, 09:42 AM
Awesome ones
thanks Billy

lordnoddy
24-01-2011, 11:45 AM
Lol Last one and the Ham Bush!!!

johcar
25-01-2011, 02:11 PM
Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,
Unicorns

****************************

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely,
Logic

****************************

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a *****.

Sincerely,
The Titanic

****************************

Dear J.K. Rowling,

Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?

Sincerely,
Anonymous

****************************

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,
Canada

****************************

Dear Boyfriend,

I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.

Sincerely,
Spiders

****************************

Dear Voldemort,

So they screwed up your nose too?

Sincerely,
Michael Jackson

****************************

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...

Sincerely,
Google

****************************

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.

Sincerely,
BP

****************************

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!

Sincerely,
1985

****************************

Dear Justin Bieber,

Ariel would really love her voice back.

Sincerely,
King Triton

****************************

Dear Rose,

There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely,
Jack

****************************

Dear Windshield Wipers,

Can't touch this.

Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

****************************

Dear Taylor Swift,

If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.

Sincerely,
Shakespeare

****************************

Dear Soccer Fans,

B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!

Sincerely,
Vuvuzelas

****************************

Dear Saturn,

I liked it, so I put a ring on it.

Sincerely,
God

****************************

Dear Rubik's Cube,

Done!

Sincerely,
Colorblind

****************************

Dear Santa,

Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.

Sincerely,
Tiger Woods

****************************

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,

I. Can't. Breathe.

Sincerely,
Your Balls

****************************

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,

I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?

Sincerely,
Leonardo DiCaprio

****************************

Dear Sleeping Beauty,

I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.

All you had to do was wake up.

Sincerely,
Mulan

****************************

Dear Romeo,

My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...

Sincerely,
Juliet

****************************

Dear Fox News,

So far, no news about foxes.

Sincerely,
Unimpressed

****************************

Dear Sex Educators,

Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.

Sincerely,
The Virgin Mary

****************************

Dear Toaster,

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Sincerely,
Toast

****************************

Dear Edward,

I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.

Sincerely,
a stake

****************************

Dear Prince Charming,

You've got some explaining to do!

Sincerely,
Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

Gobe1
25-01-2011, 02:31 PM
nice ones Johcar

johcar
25-01-2011, 03:11 PM
I saw this one ages ago, but can't remember whether it's been posted here before....

I LOVE MY JOB

If you donít laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.


Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..

Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate..

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't **** for two days because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

(Snopes (http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/diver.asp))

SurferJoe46
25-01-2011, 03:25 PM
When i was a small child, we lived in the deep woods in Connecticut, 'way out on a 2,000 acre hunting reserve owned by a big-guy NY attorney.

Anyway - in the morning my widdle bed was washed in the bright sunlight and I'd wake up and try to poke-up the fire, but it had usually gone dead in the night - especially if I didn't get up and re-stoke it with new wood.

If the wood bin inside was empty, I'd have to push the big door against the snow drifts and get dry wood and start the fire for the rest of the family so they'd be nice and warm when they got up.

After I finally got the fire started and roaring pretty good, I'd get the kettle and if the water tank on the sink was frozen - or worse yet, empty, I'd have to walk down to the creek in my widdle bare baby feet and break the ice to get to the water, just so I could rinse out my own diapers.

The Error Guy
25-01-2011, 10:47 PM
good laughs

Snorkbox
26-01-2011, 09:49 AM
From the UK but possibly relevant here too.

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ..


* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..


* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .



* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in the UK by:


1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or whisky or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )


Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Cicero
27-01-2011, 04:56 PM
----- Original Message -----
From: Shirlene
Sent: Thursday, January 27, 2011 3:25 PM
Subject: Paddy wackers










Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging
about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always
fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be
in the bloody boat.



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