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Billy T
10-01-2011, 12:00 PM
Two Eagles, an old Indian chief, sat in his hut on the reservation smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.

One official said to Chief Two Eagles, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done." The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the two government officials for over a minute, and then he calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, wWomen did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled before he added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


********************************

Sacred Truths, as Secreted Within Movies........................

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade at any time of the year.

All beds have special "L"-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

You can see the Eiffel Tower from every window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince or flinch when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a banknote just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

In any serious crime situation, the Chief of Police will invariable suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Carnegie Hall.

Medieval peasants all had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning or ending phone conversations.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

Regardless of speed or traffic, the driver can gazwe soulfully into his passenger's eyes for several seconds without crossing the centerline or driving off the road.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts experts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage, they won't even be woozy when they come to.

No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Bad guys can never shoot straight, the best they can hope for is a minor flesh wound.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

When turning off your bedroom light at night, the room will not become pitch dark. Instead everthing will have a light blue glow about it.

When being chased, and approaching a staircase, it is necessary to take the steps that go up.

You can go for days without ever having to go to the bathroom.

During any police investigation, it is necessary for the cops to stop at a strip club at least once.

When attempting to flee attackers, no car will start on the first 2 tries.

You can kill anybody by grabbing their head and twisting their neck a quarter turn.


********************************

A South African gold miner was injured at work and had to have his right leg amputated.

After the operation he was talking to a fellow miner and said "I suppose I'm stuffed now, who would ever want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replied "Try Paul McCartney"


********************************

An old hillbilly is sitting on his porch when a young lad happens by, carrying a roll of wire fence. The old guy says: "Boy, where are you goin' with that there wire?"

The young fella says: "This ain't no ordinary wire, this is chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens." The old one laughs and says: "Boy, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire!" Later on, the Young fella comes back with a bunch of chickens entwined in the chicken wire, much to the shock of the old man.

A day later; the boy passes the same old man on the porch. This time he's carrying a roll of tape. The old man says:"Boy, where you goin' with that there tape?"

The boy says:"This ain't no ordinary tape, this is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks." The old guy laughs again, and says: "You can't catch no ducks with duck tape!" Again, the boy returns with several ducks stuck to the tape, and the old guy still can't believe it.

On the 3rd day; the boy passes by the old man again. This time he's carrying a tree branch. Once again the old man asks: "Boy, where you goin' with that there tree branch?" The boy says: "This ain't no ordinary tree, this is pussy willow."

The old guy says: "Wait a second boy, let me go get my hat."

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

gary67
10-01-2011, 12:11 PM
Loved the first and last ones the best :lol::lol::thanks

lordnoddy
10-01-2011, 12:39 PM
Yay it's Monday! Cheers Billy.

kenj
10-01-2011, 12:46 PM
Speaking about American Indians in your first joke reminded of a Winston Churchill quote...

During the times of the India problems in the 30's, he was approached by an anti-imperialist American woman who rudely asked him...

"and WHAT, Mr Churchill, are you British going to do with your Indian people"

....his reply was...

"Madam, hopefully, NOT what you Americans did with yours"

Ken ;)

pctek
10-01-2011, 02:00 PM
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.



Actually that seems to happen in real life to going by all the wrong conviction/unsolved case docos I've seen lately on Sky.


The only other way a case will be solved is by members of the public giving police the correct suspects name and showing them the evidence.

Roscoe
10-01-2011, 02:14 PM
Speaking about American Indians in your first joke reminded of a Winston Churchill quote...

During the times of the India problems in the 30's, he was approached by an anti-imperialist American woman who rudely asked him...

"and WHAT, Mr Churchill, are you British going to do with your Indian people"

....his reply was...

"Madam, hopefully, NOT what you Americans did with yours"

Ken ;)

Churchill was a very clever and perceptive man, particularly with the many sayings he is credited with.

If you like Churchill quotes you may like to visit: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Sir_Winston_Churchill/ - well worth the effort.

SP8's
10-01-2011, 03:45 PM
Who's Churchill ??? ... :D

Digby
10-01-2011, 06:00 PM
I loved that list of move stuff.

I had a much shorter list years ago. the one I remember was not on your list.

"That every city and town in the USA has a Police chief who is black."

Digby
10-01-2011, 06:04 PM
@PCtek.

Yes, its funny most of our murder trails result in hung juries or end up being appealed and still argued over.

Yet on CSI and all the other police shows they always get the suspect to confess within a couple of days.

Billy T
10-01-2011, 08:18 PM
Who's Churchill ??? ... :D

Sir Winston Leonard Spencer Churchill, Britain's Prime Minister during most of WWII (after Neville Chamberlain did the decent thing and fell on his sword).

Statesman, Politician, raconteur, writer, painter, soldier, historian, builder, bricklayer (member of the British Bricklayers Union).

The one man most responsible for New Zealand not being part of the German or Japanese Empire today, I kid you not, it got that close!

Billy

SP8's
10-01-2011, 08:49 PM
See my sig Billy .... :D

TideMan
10-01-2011, 09:15 PM
The one man most responsible for New Zealand not being part of the German or Japanese Empire today, I kid you not, it got that close!

Billy

Wasn't he also the bloke who masterminded the invasion of Turkey via Gallipoli in the Great War? At great cost of ANZAC lives.

kenj
10-01-2011, 09:57 PM
Wasn't he also the bloke who masterminded the invasion of Turkey via Gallipoli in the Great War? At great cost of ANZAC lives.

Yes. He made a lot of mistakes. Fortunately he made a lot of correct decisions as well.... He was one of history's greatest men.

After Gallipoli, he resigned and fought in the front line trenches in France for some time before being called back to parliament.

Perhaps you should read some history.

Ken ;)

Sorry Billy. Didn't mean to hijack your weekly joke thread.

nofam
10-01-2011, 10:21 PM
A man was making passionate, frenzied love to his wife when all of a sudden he froze, completely still.

His wife looked up at him angrily and said "what the HELL are you doing?"

He looked down at her puzzled and said "I'm trying something I saw on an internet adult movie site. I think they call it buffering. . . . "

:D

Billy T
10-01-2011, 10:38 PM
See my sig Billy .... :D

Yes I saw that. My comments were for the wider membership who may not realise how lucky they are, or that of all the participants in the global tragedy, there is one great man among the many involved, whom, more than any other, we have to thank for the final outcome.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Digby
11-01-2011, 05:39 AM
As regards Churchill and Gallipoli.
The attack on the Dardenelles nearly came off, and if it had of it could have knocked Turkey out of the war and shortened it by a few years.
And although the Anzac casualties were terrible the British and French lost a lot also.

tut
11-01-2011, 06:32 AM
The old guy says: "Wait a second boy, let me go get my hat."

Good one Billy T.Thanks for that.

Roscoe
11-01-2011, 10:59 AM
Cricket Comments.

What do you call an Australian that can handle a bat?
A vet

What do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an OXO cube?
A laughing stock.

The Australian bobsleigh team want to ask Aussie cricket team for their advice about going downhill so fast!

What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day?
Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting: “You lads can bat.’’
Just as quick, Ponting replied: “No, we can’t. We really can’t.”

Of everyone in the Aussie team, who spends the most time at the crease?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What’s the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What is the main function of the Australia coach?
To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he’s heading out to the middle.
His wife replies: “I’ll hold, he won’t be long!”

What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?
The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Australian innings.

What’s the Australian version of LBW?
Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini?
Because he can get out without even trying.

What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket?
A bat.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

Why do Australians cricketers call their favourite drink XXXX?
Because they can’t spell beer.

Why can’t Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

lordnoddy
11-01-2011, 11:25 AM
Cricket Comments.

The Australian bobsleigh team want to ask Aussie cricket team for their advice about going downhill so fast!

Whatís the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesnít keep losing the ashes.

Whatís the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Why canít Australian blokes take their girlfriends to the cricket?
They eat all the grass.


Gold... Pure Gold...

Digby
11-01-2011, 12:15 PM
Some good cricket jokes.

But you could more honestly apply them to our team !

Roscoe
11-01-2011, 12:39 PM
Some good cricket jokes.

But you could more honestly apply them to our team !

Be fair! The Ockers deserve jokes like that simply because they are Ockers. What other reason is there to poke fun at the Ockers?

gary67
11-01-2011, 01:20 PM
Be fair! The Ockers deserve jokes like that simply because they are Ockers. What other reason is there to poke fun at the Ockers?

and they lost

lordnoddy
11-01-2011, 01:57 PM
Some good cricket jokes.

But you could more honestly apply them to our team !

Half wouldn't apply due to us not taking part in the Ashes?

R2x1
11-01-2011, 02:49 PM
Same as the Aussies?