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View Full Version : Monday Laughs....Happy New Year.....



Billy T
03-01-2011, 04:13 PM
Well, it's 2011, a new decade begins and maybe you are wondering where you left your marbles after that great New Year's Eve party

This Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age cannot do it! (Note: a decent hangover makes you feel about 90).

1.. This is this cat.

2. This is is cat.

3. This is how cat.

4 . This is to cat.

5. This is keep cat.

6. This is an cat.

7. This is old cat.

8. This is fart cat.

9. This is busy cat.

10. This is for cat.

11. This is forty cat.

12. This is seconds cat.


Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.


Pass it on to any over 50's you know who think they have superior intellect and all their marbles in the same pouch.

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Still Hung-Over?


Correct Time to Drink Water...

I drink plenty of water but never knew that WHEN I drank it made this much difference.


Did you know? Drinking water at the correct time maximizes its effectiveness on the Human body:


2 glasses of water after waking up helps activate internal organs. (Yeah, like I didn't need to pee already!)


1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal helps digestion (I take mine in a solution of whiskey)


1 glass of water before taking a bath helps lower blood pressure. (Enhanced risk of peeing in the bath would raise mine!)


1 glass of water before going to bed avoids stroke or heart attack (Again, whiskey works better for me, I'm usually asleep before Mrs T's mouth shuts down for the night.)

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DEFINITIONS FOR PARENTS... and Parents-to-be..........

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your children when you're mad at them.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws into it inexorably other small bodies wearing dry clothing and shoes.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILISE: What you do to your first baby's dummy by boiling it, and to your last baby's dummy by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

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Finally, the 2011 Hormone Guide...



Women will understand this!

Men should memorise it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a drivers' license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!


DANGEROUS

SAFER

SAFEST

ULTRA SAFE



What's for dinner?

Can I help you with dinner?

Where would you like to go for dinner?

Here, have some wine.


Are you wearing that?

You sure look good in brown!

WOW! Look at you!

Here, have some wine


What are you so worked up about?

Could we be overreacting?

Here's my paycheck.

Here, have some wine.


Should you be eating that?

You know, there are a lot of apples left.

Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?

Here, have some wine.


What did you DO all day?

I hope you didn't over-do it today.

I've always loved you in that robe!

Here, have some wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favourite one:

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this information to your lady friends and those who might need a good laugh and men who need a warning.

And, have some wine.



Happy New Year to all PF1'ers

Only 51 more Monday Laughs until 2012

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

The Error Guy
03-01-2011, 08:59 PM
Cheers billy, 2011 and still haven't lost your touch

pctek
04-01-2011, 07:51 AM
Women will understand this!


Here, have some wine.


Ah but I don't drink...........


Liked the cat joke. Must test husband on that, bet he fails it.

ubergeek85
05-01-2011, 02:06 PM
Thanks billy, great start to the year, once the hangover wore off ;)