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View Full Version : Monday Laughs....Women! ...Te Hone Virus...Women again!!...and a Talking Frog........



Billy T
01-11-2010, 11:33 AM
15 Differences between Aeroplanes and Women....

1) Aeroplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Aeroplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Aeroplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Aeroplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

5) Aeroplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Aeroplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7) Aeroplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Aeroplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Aeroplanes don't care about how many other Aeroplanes you've flown before.

10) Aeroplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11) Aeroplanes don't mind if you look at other Aeroplanes.

12) Aeroplanes don't mind if you buy aeroplane magazines.

13) Aeroplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Aeroplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15) Aeroplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

...and One Similarity


When Aeroplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually a very good indication that shlt is about to happen.

*********************************


Virus Alert!!!

You have just got a dose of the "Harawira Virus"!!! Te whanau don't have any programming experience, so this virus gotta work on the honour system eh.

Please deleet... dealite.. uh.... get rid of all the files on your hard drive eh, then manul.. mannull... manyuly send this virus to all te fullas on your mailing list.

Thanks for your coperashun....cooperish... doing it for us eh Bro.

*********************************


Husband says to wife:

"My Olympic condoms have arrived ... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says:

"Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."

*********************************


Greetings from the Seven Dwarves of Menopause:

Itchy

Bitchy

Sweaty

Sleepy

Bloated

Forgetful

and Psycho

*********************************


The Hospital Tax Audit

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO."We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question, "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

*********************************


A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

Before you ask, no, Mrs T doesn't read Monday Laughs!!

wainuitech
01-11-2010, 01:03 PM
Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: 'Nothing.'

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
It that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
Of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned!'




:D

roddy_boy
01-11-2010, 01:33 PM
Video removed by user?

gary67
01-11-2010, 01:37 PM
:lol::lol::lol: The only laugh I have had today

Gobe1
01-11-2010, 01:39 PM
Great stuff guys
I haven't got around to changing my speedy avatar yet....

wainuitech
01-11-2010, 01:50 PM
Video removed by user?Some stupid reason it wouldn't register.

BUT my Son Saw my pay Cheque - his responce (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssEzgwu28bE) ----About right to :crying

KenESmith
01-11-2010, 01:51 PM
About those 72 Virgins


An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and
appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did
your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only
18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school,
I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins,
who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have
72 whores?"



Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because
Ars*h*l*s like you murdered them before they could
experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to
service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite
sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant,
exhausting duty."



The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with
that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied
for all eternity?"



And Allah replied,
"Who said they were women?"

johcar
01-11-2010, 04:22 PM
Nice, Ken! :thumbs:

wotz
01-11-2010, 05:31 PM
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

gary67
01-11-2010, 05:33 PM
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes.."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

I read this last week in the SAR newsletter :devil

BobM
01-11-2010, 06:06 PM
Gary67. Hi. I don't get the SAR news letter. :) :)

gary67
01-11-2010, 08:01 PM
Gary67. Hi. I don't get the SAR news letter. :) :)

I don't have it either now so I can't even send it to you

WalOne
01-11-2010, 08:52 PM
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day

Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy.'

Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then.'

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No fockin' way', but he
crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, 'I can make it to the
bed.'
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says,
'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'.
Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

mikebartnz
01-11-2010, 09:06 PM
Wife : What's the story of coming home half drunk last night dear?
Husband : Sorry dear but I ran out of money.

ubergeek85
01-11-2010, 11:39 PM
WalOne, by jesus you almost killed me!

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine wasn't quite thinking right, it's more like Russian roulette! What ones going to make you choke!

:D

mikebartnz
01-11-2010, 11:57 PM
This one might offend.


What is the difference between a Chilean miner and a Catholic priest?



A Chilean miner gets stuck in a shaft.

A Catholic priest gets a shaft stuck in a minor.

WalOne
03-11-2010, 04:55 PM
AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly.. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

"Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

Cicero
04-11-2010, 11:12 AM
You will like this...........Not a lot......

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".




I was surprised how accurate it was. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.




Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.













Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....?

wratterus
04-11-2010, 11:39 AM
That joke was brilliant WalOne!

ubergeek85
04-11-2010, 01:51 PM
That list is not accurate. It doesn't have the matrix.

fnphoto
04-11-2010, 02:16 PM
15 Differences between Aeroplanes and Women....


*********************************


Virus Alert!!!

You have just got a dose of the "Harawira Virus"!!! Te whanau don't have any programming experience, so this virus gotta work on the honour system eh.

Please deleet... dealite.. uh.... get rid of all the files on your hard drive eh, then manul.. mannull... manyuly send this virus to all te fullas on your mailing list.

Thanks for your coperashun....cooperish... doing it for us eh Bro.

*********************************



FYI Hone is using NOD32 or MSSE on his computers (english versions) as well as other parlimentary precautions so I doubt that this would happen - I know because I installed them - bro!
lol

R2x1
04-11-2010, 05:56 PM
The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Aussie has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Aussie guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Aussie guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Aussie thinks:
The Kiwi bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Kiwi thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack that F***ing Aussie again.

WalOne
04-11-2010, 07:10 PM
R2x1, good one!

:lol: :lol: :lol: