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View Full Version : Tuesday Laughs........The Mrs T Tuesday Special.........



Billy T
28-09-2010, 08:01 PM
Hi all, thanks for the PM's of concern over my uncharacteristic absence from Monday's posts. Mrs T underwent major surgery last week and is at home recovering and I'm the chief nurse and bedpan tosser so I've kinda had my priorities reorganised. Fortunately, all is well on that front now, she is up and about making a nuisance of herself and upsetting my housework.

Surprisingly, this is not the first time I've missed a Monday, but I don't think I've missed ever a week though, I've had a loyal lieutenant who has stood in for me on a couple of occasions whern I've been out of town or overseas.

Anyway, sit back, open a cold one, and here is the latest crop:


A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he accelerated to 140kph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the dual carriageway, enjoying the experience of open-topped speed more with every kilometre, then looking in his rear view mirror, he saw that a police car was fast coming up behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he took the Bimmer up to 160kph, then 180 then 200. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were driving so fast that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Ten years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman and left.

*********************************


Here's how to offend everyone:- If you're easily offended, please do not go beyond this point!


* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prlck." It's not yours is it?


* I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.


* Been to the Optometrist today - he told me I was colour-blind. I'm rather worried now that some of my buddies could be black. If you are, can you delete my e-mail address?


* There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagin.


* In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, the answer is Africa.


* One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that West-Indians and East-Europeans is not the correct answer.


* George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven." (Oceans Eleven.....Oh, never mind).


* My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's not interested in snooker.


* There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Oxford, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.


* You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.


* A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the Doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."


* A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

*********************************


An old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with what he believes are the perfect shaped breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.

"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"

*********************************


Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a painful but passionate tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this for her?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I play golf, and I guess you are not open on weekends.

*********************************


A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings...'

The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'

The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.'


(You're gonna either love me or hate me for this...)
















The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

*********************************


A man walks into an empty bar. Pulls up and asks for a beer. As he is enjoying his brew, he hears,

"My you have nice hair"

He looks around....No one there.

Then he hears, "I really like your suit".

So he turns around to see who is talking to him.....The bar is empty.

"You know, you should consider a modelling career"

He stands up, looks around and says to the bartender....."Who the hell is talking to me? "

The barman says: "Oh, it's the peanuts...... They're complimentary!"


Yes, yes, I know it ends with a whimper, but after recent controversy over the odd member's ability to follow a good joke, thus missing out on a whale of a good time, I decided to end on a less complicated or intellectual note this week.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :xmouth:

The Error Guy
28-09-2010, 09:06 PM
Ahhhh, monday. daylight savings for billy took out a whole day!

goodiesguy
28-09-2010, 09:35 PM
Great jokes! made my day

ubergeek85
28-09-2010, 10:54 PM
Sorry to hear about the ills Billy, but glad to hear things are on the up and up.


The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

I snorted so hard I almost choked... is my nerd showing? :clap

gary67
29-09-2010, 05:52 AM
Thanks Billy just the pick me up I needed

Erayd
29-09-2010, 06:06 AM
Great to hear you're OK Billy, and thanks for the jokes :D.

Best wishes for Mrs T - hope she's recovering well.

johcar
29-09-2010, 07:08 AM
Best wishes to Mrs T...

These were worth waiting for - love the Muslim clothing shop!!

Gobe1
29-09-2010, 07:35 AM
barbitchyouate: haw haw unreal
thanks for the effort Mr and Mrs T

SP8's
29-09-2010, 07:39 AM
Aahhhh .... my Yin & Yang are in balance once again.

All the best to Mrs T for a speedy recovery so she can keep you in your place Billy.

bk T
29-09-2010, 08:00 AM
Best Wishes to Mrs T.

kenj
29-09-2010, 08:10 AM
Great ones Billy... all the best to Mrs T

ken

xyz823
29-09-2010, 08:20 AM
Definitely worth the wait!! :D

WalOne
29-09-2010, 08:38 AM
Great news on all fronts, Billy - first Mrs T - then those of us suffering withdrawals because of a late Monday. Cheers

:thumbs:

pctek
29-09-2010, 09:17 AM
. Mrs T underwent major surgery last week and is at home recovering and I'm the chief nurse and bedpan tosser

Laughter is the best medicine - so there you go - go in and read all the jokes to her.......she'll be better in no time.:thumbs:

ubergeek85
29-09-2010, 09:20 AM
Don't do that! She'll burst her stitches! Split her sides! Strain her funny bone!

sarel
29-09-2010, 10:07 AM
Good luck to the missus Billy - and to you, waiting hand and foot on her.

:lol:

sarel:blush::crying

Agent_24
29-09-2010, 11:07 AM
Good stuff :lol:

Billy T
29-09-2010, 01:45 PM
Thanks again for all the kind thoughts, and Mrs T is doing very well thanks, in fact right now she is baking a cake, and this morning she got in the house washers!!!

There is no keeping the woman down, and if she ever went to hell, the Devil would move out inside of an hour, just to get some peace, then two weeks later God would move in because it would be tidier, cleaner and better organised than Heaven. :devil

My greatest fear in life???

That one day Mrs T might decide to "tidy my office" while I'm out!!

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

CliveM
29-09-2010, 04:40 PM
"Yes, yes, I know it ends with a whimper, but after recent controversy over the odd member's ability to follow a good joke, thus missing out on a whale of a good time, I decided to end on a less complicated or intellectual note this week. "

You are too subtle Billy:)

Billy T
29-09-2010, 04:45 PM
You are too subtle Billy:)

Who, Moi? :blush:

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

Thomas01
30-09-2010, 12:55 PM
My greatest fear in life???

That one day Mrs T might decide to "tidy my office" while I'm out!!

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

Billy you must be more careful with what you think.
After all many of us have wives similar to yours.
The thought of my SHMBO getting into my office is too painful to contemplate.
Some thoughts are better left unmentioned.
But glad Mrs T is getting better.
Don't let her see this last weeks effort.
Tom

Billy T
30-09-2010, 05:21 PM
Billy you must be more careful with what you think. After all many of us have wives similar to yours. The thought of my SHMBO getting into my office is too painful to contemplate. Some thoughts are better left unmentioned. But glad Mrs T is getting better. Don't let her see this last weeks effort.
Tom

Thanks for the warning Tom, however my computer (and my office) are "off limits on pain of death, dismemberment, divorce, or disinheritance" to ALL members of my family and none would dare to touch it. It is the font from which most of our income flows, and they know it. Not only that, they wouldn't know who Billy T was! :D

Mrs T got the big tick from the surgeon today, she is making remarkable progress and her recovery time will be much less than he first advised. I'll probably have to tie her down soon to keep her out of the garden, and she wants to go back to work early. Fortunately her boss won't hear of it, so I'll have her around during the day for another three weeks at least, which will be nice.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

WalOne
30-09-2010, 06:01 PM
Thanks for the warning Tom, however my computer (and my office) are "off limits on pain of death, dismemberment, divorce, or disinheritance" to ALL members of my family and none would dare to touch it. It is the font from which most of our income flows, and they know it. Not only that, they wouldn't know who Billy T was! :D

Mrs T got the big tick from the surgeon today, she is making remarkable progress and her recovery time will be much less than he first advised. I'll probably have to tie her down soon to keep her out of the garden, and she wants to go back to work early. Fortunately her boss won't hear of it, so I'll have her around during the day for another three weeks at least, which will be nice.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Well done. I reckon both Mrs T and Billy T are to be commended!

:thumbs: :thumbs: