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pctek
28-09-2010, 03:36 PM
Apologies to Billy - but I waited and waited......

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Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

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A foreign tourist hired a guide to take him around Delhi and Agra. At the
Red Fort at Delhi, he admired the architecture and asked how many years it
took to build.
Twenty years,” replied the guide.
You Indians are a lazy lot, the tourist said. In my country, this could have
been built in five.’
At Agra he admired the Tajs beauty and asked how many years it took to
build.
Only ten years,’ said the guide.
The tourist retorted: You Indians are slow! We can construct such buildings
in two-and-a-half.’
In this fashion the tourist claimed that every building he admired could have been built in his country in quarter the time. Finally, when they reached the Qutab Minar, and the tourist asked what it was, the guide replied: ‘I don't know. It wasn't there yesterday evening.”

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Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.
Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute, said the man carrying
the explosive.
Don't worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot
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An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. ‘The lift will be
down presently, the receptionist told him.
The lift? said the American. Oh, you mean the elevator.’
No, I mean the lift. replied the Englishman.
I think I should know what it is called, said the American. ‘Elevators were
invented in the States.’
Perhaps, retorted the Englishman. ‘But we invented the language.

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision."

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A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
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In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.
"So what happened?"
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Agent_24
29-09-2010, 12:23 PM
Pretty good :D