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View Full Version : Monday Laughs........Religious themes, and a Test.......No Cheating!



Billy T
13-09-2010, 10:40 AM
Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.

The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would have been 24 now."

The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."

The first mother says, "He's a martyr now."

"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."

Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21."

"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."

The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr."

"Oh gracious me!" says the second mother.

"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18 this year."

"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's also a martyr," the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes now fill with tears.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says:

"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?"

*********************************



A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made, and it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathised the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel with my ball still clutched in his paws, and flies off with him!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'


Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said....

'You missed the f@*#ing putt, didn't you?'

*********************************


And God Created New Zealand ...


God was missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, the archangel Michael found him resting.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God and I've put life on it! I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an island and said, "What's that one?"

"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains, and there are no snakes or other dangerous animals.

The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."


God smiled, "Close to New Zealand is Australia" he said.

"Just wait till you see the environment, wildlife, and crazy people I put there."

*********************************

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man also goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but stout and reliable.

But after his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the roots up, and the balls are just for decoration.'

*********************************


The Giraffe Test


Let's see how well you do....



There are four questions - big spaces in between for obvious reasons - so please, keep scrolling, you will know when you have come to the end!!!!



1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.










































The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.







2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?










































Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator'?


Wrong answer.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.







3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend ...... Except one. Which animal does not attend?










































Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there!

This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?










































Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got some correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.


You can use this to frustrate all of your 'smart' friends.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

Gobe1
13-09-2010, 10:50 AM
Boobs vs. Willies was gold
thanks Billy

tut
13-09-2010, 11:44 AM
"They blow up so fast these days, don't they?" haha, Billy T

ubergeek85
13-09-2010, 11:58 AM
Oh dear.

For the last one, my answers were;

1 & 2; Cut them into little pieces.

3; The queen.

4; Use the bridge.

Orca
13-09-2010, 02:01 PM
How stupid is that. The test is wrong. You can't fit an elephant or giraffe in a refrigerator. The world's largest fridge is 90cm x 173cm x 84cm.

Billy T
13-09-2010, 03:55 PM
How stupid is that. The test is wrong. You can't fit an elephant or giraffe in a refrigerator. The world's largest fridge is 90cm x 173cm x 84cm.

It was a very, very, very small elephant, about twice the size of a pedant's brain, and an even smaller giraffe, about a tenth of the size of the elephant, or about same size as your dangly bits.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) Sheesh!! :stare:

Orca
13-09-2010, 04:08 PM
It was a very, very, very small elephant, about twice the size of a pedant's brain, and an even smaller giraffe, about a tenth of the size of the elephant, or about same size as your dangly bits.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) Sheesh!! :stare:
Ok but the test doesn't mention miniature giraffes and elephants nor does it mention industrial room sized fridges so people correctly assume average sized animal and average sized fridge. Why would they assume outliers? Also the answer is "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door." Yeah right, like you can just pick a 1.2 tonne giraffe up and put it in the fridge. :rolleyes:

Billy T
13-09-2010, 04:51 PM
Ok but the test doesn't mention miniature giraffes and elephants nor does it mention industrial room sized fridges so people correctly assume average sized animal and average sized fridge. Why would they assume outliers? Also the answer is "Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door." Yeah right, like you can just pick a 1.2 tonne giraffe up and put it in the fridge. :rolleyes:

Doesn't say they weren't embryos either.

For chrissake get a life, it's a joke, not stump the brains trust.

The good news is, you failed the test with great distinction, and this elevates you to the exalted status of Billy's Supreme Award for Demonstrated Dorkdom.

Congratulations on your success, and you now get a Voucher entitling you to sit on a railway crossing or in the middle or outside lane of a motorway of your choice for 24 hours wearing earmuffs and a blindfold and if you can count more than 10 trains or 75 truck and trailer units you win a no expenses paid one-way trip to Alice Springs, Australia.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :waughh:

bob_doe_nz
13-09-2010, 05:00 PM
Congratulations on your success, and you now get a Voucher entitling you to sit on a railway crossing or in the middle or outside lane of a motorway of your choice for 24 hours wearing earmuffs and a blindfold

Is there a time limit on when I can claim it?

B.M.
13-09-2010, 05:02 PM
And then there was the one about:


An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour's dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a ***** that was on 'heat' and the neighbour's dog was a male.

Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs
apart.

However, as she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.

She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.

The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, the vet said.

"I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside
them.
I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing
should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the *****"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" The vet replied

"IT JUST WORKED ON ME!!!!!!"

Orca
13-09-2010, 06:39 PM
Doesn't say they weren't embryos either.

Excessive ramblings...
Embryos are just that, embryos. Maybe the "hilarious joke quiz" author meant plastic giraffes and elephants. Of course the quiz is so ambiguous that the author could have been meaning imaginary animals. At any rate it was a "joke" made by a retard, circulated by retards in order to boost the self-esteem of other retards.

The real story here is that old people's homes now have internet connections. The end is near people. :eek: As evidenced by this thread, they shouldn't be letting senile old men such as yourself onto the computers lest they unleash complete drivel onto the internet. :rolleyes:

zqwerty
13-09-2010, 07:03 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

ubergeek85
13-09-2010, 07:06 PM
YES! THAT!

Roscoe
13-09-2010, 07:23 PM
Orca: Luckily not everyone has had their mirth gland surgically removed, or did you not have one to begin with?

Perhaps as you mature you will realise that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Billy T does a great job every week, without fail. The humour is variable but in the main there is always something worth a giggle.

I have not been on this forum as long as many others, but I do know dedication when I see it and Billy T has that dedication.

I know that Billy T has a wife and a life so presumably there are other things that he could be doing - perhaps more productive - with his time, but he chooses to pass on some merriment each Monday. I'm certain he does not require moronic criticism, so I suggest that if you do not like his brand of humour, then you should piss off. We don't want you here!

Luckily, he won't be persuaded to give up his Monday funnies just because of one critic.

Keep up the good work, Billy!

gary67
13-09-2010, 08:35 PM
As good as ever Thanks Billy T

Billy T
13-09-2010, 08:46 PM
My goodness Orca, thank heavens you pointed out to us all that embryos do not possess the characteristics of any species until............but you ran out of steam at that point. Leaves me wondering what the range of options are for the unborn, and why you chose humanoid.

Now, it is not nice and definitely not PC these days to use the word R*t**d either,unless you are Paul Henry or you are one yourself so take your pick. Either way, I think I'm going to have to withdraw your SADD award and the travel voucher, and just give you the consolation prize of printed instructions on how to suck your thumb and a mirror to make sure you do it right, it may take some time to get it right, but here's a tip, stamping your feet and having a paddy will just get you ignored.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

Snorkbox
13-09-2010, 09:26 PM
Thanks once more Billy T :)

I too failed the Test BTW.

I tried to shove the Giraffe through a woodchipper to get it into the fridge but it kept looking sideways at me and I did not ( in the end ) have the heart to do so.

It escaped, stage left, closely followed by a worried looking Elephant and heaps of Crocs.

Some idiot person, possibly Orca, had built a dam upstream of where I was going to cross the ( now dry ) riverbed so I answered that I was going walk across which was the wrong answer.

beeswax34
14-09-2010, 01:04 AM
Wow, I can't believe this thread needs to be defended every week. Seriously, if you don't find this funny- GO AWAY! No on forced you to read it and no one surely is forcing you to comment on it.

We all appreciate Billy T's posts. They make Monday that much more bearable :)

Bozo
14-09-2010, 03:02 AM
Cheers Billy, light hearted humor always goes down a treat. :D

Orca - go drink some cyanide and then come back with something worth complaining about.

Renmoo
14-09-2010, 07:52 AM
Orca - go drink some cyanide and then come back with something worth complaining about.
Hmmm... The first part is easy, not sure about the second part :p

Incidentally, there is a PF1 user called "cyanide"

Colpol
14-09-2010, 08:09 AM
Orca: Luckily not everyone has had their mirth gland surgically removed, or did you not have one to begin with?

Perhaps as you mature you will realise that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.

Billy T does a great job every week, without fail. The humour is variable but in the main there is always something worth a giggle.

I have not been on this forum as long as many others, but I do know dedication when I see it and Billy T has that dedication.

I know that Billy T has a wife and a life so presumably there are other things that he could be doing - perhaps more productive - with his time, but he chooses to pass on some merriment each Monday. I'm certain he does not require moronic criticism, so I suggest that if you do not like his brand of humour, then you should piss off. We don't want you here!

Luckily, he won't be persuaded to give up his Monday funnies just because of one critic.

Keep up the good work, Billy!

I second that

Gobe1
14-09-2010, 09:19 AM
Some idiot person, possibly Orca, had built a dam upstream of where I was going to cross the ( now dry ) riverbed so I answered that I was going walk across which was the wrong answer.

Na it would have been those dam beavers :punk

johcar
14-09-2010, 09:43 AM
Perhaps this strip was written with Orca in mind:

Billy T
14-09-2010, 03:09 PM
Thanks for the kind comments and support folks, but there's no need to take our little killer whale seriously. It would seem he failed the test, as indeed did I, and I guess some people just can't handle being humbled by a clever joke, leastways not first thing on a Monday morning..

Sometimes people just have a bad day, others have a bad life, but either way, life is what you choose to make it, and I have always found humour to be the one reliable non-pharamceutical mood lifter. If there was one epitaph I would like on my headstone, it would be "He Died Laughing" which just about fits my philosphy on life, after all, not one of us is ever going to get out of it alive.

There's nothing I like more on a Monday morning (after reading the Herald) than shuffling through my ever-expanding joke collection to see if there is anything topical I can use.

Thanks again

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

P.S. I'm too young for a pension too.........

Richard
14-09-2010, 03:27 PM
Billy, Good on ya Mate! :thumbs:

tingle
14-09-2010, 04:52 PM
Nice reply Billy.
Very well said!

Whenu
15-09-2010, 08:26 PM
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50



Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.