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View Full Version : Monday Laughs...A religious theme...+women, young chicks, a penis, & a dementia test



Billy T
19-07-2010, 12:20 PM
Hymn 365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon, and with great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

*********************************


The CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. . . I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest asked.

They say, "Hi, we"re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That"s obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he paused suddenly and thought for a moment. . . . .

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible . . . bring your two parrots over to my house, and I'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to worship and pray, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . . "That phrase" . . . In no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest"s house. . . .

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. . .

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence . . .

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other and says, "you can put the beads away, Mike . . . our prayers have been finally been answered!"

*********************************


WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


MAN'S DIARY:

28 July

Black Caps lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

*********************************


The Chicken Story

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by the traffic slowly built up until it reached an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the Sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the Sheriff. "I don't care", said farmer John, Just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day The Sherriff had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the Sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the Sheriff sends out the county Workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up, so Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he said the Sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good.. Can I put up my own sign?"

The Sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The Sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John, so three weeks later, curiosity got the better of him and he decided to give Farmer John a call..

"So how's the problem with those drivers now? Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did" said the Farmer, "and not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go, I'm very busy" he said, and he hung up the phone.

The Sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the Sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood....

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW and watch out for chicks!








Keep Smiling...........


*********************************


When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,

"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"

*********************************


This is Your Yearly Dementia Test :


It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.


Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers so don't scroll down past the question until you've decided your answer, .

OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

















Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.






2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.'






What do cows drink?













Answer: Cows drink water.

If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.




3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.

If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany). Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realising that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no-man's land'?













Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.






5. Without using a calculator -

You are driving a bus from Auckland to Wellington. In Auckland, 17 people board the bus. In Huntly, 6 people get off the bus (god knows why) and 9 people get on (smart people). In Hamilton, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Taupo, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Taihape, 3 of the Huntly people get off (figures!) and 5 people get on. In Waiouru, 6 people (rest of the Huntly escapees) get off and 3 get on. You then drive on to Wellington without any further stops.











Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!





If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!



Cheers

Billy 8-{) :p

johcar
19-07-2010, 12:40 PM
Excellent! Not sure why the man would be gutted that the Black Caps lost though. That's what they seem to do best....

inphinity
19-07-2010, 12:45 PM
Excellent! Not sure why the man would be gutted that the Black Caps lost though. That's what they seem to do best....

Might've been playing Zimbabwe or bangladesh

kenj
19-07-2010, 01:15 PM
Good ones Billy!!!

Here is one I saw this week............

During an exam one day at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

After the proctor denied him, the student declared, "I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale." At this point, the student produced a copy of the 400 year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still in effect, and pointed to the section which read " Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."

The student ended up with Pepsi and a hamburger which was judged the modern equivalent of Cakes and Ale, and he sat there, taking his exam and happily slurped away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

pctek
19-07-2010, 02:32 PM
During an exam one day at Cambridge University, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

After the proctor denied him, the student declared, "I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale." At this point, the student produced a copy of the 400 year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still in effect, and pointed to the section which read " Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."

The student ended up with Pepsi and a hamburger which was judged the modern equivalent of Cakes and Ale, and he sat there, taking his exam and happily slurped away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

:thumbs:
Even if it isn't true..

johcar
19-07-2010, 02:46 PM
:thumbs:
Even if it isn't true..

Interestingly, Snopes doesn't actually come out and declare it true or false....

http://www.snopes.com/college/admin/cakesale.asp

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story"... :D

nedkelly
19-07-2010, 03:39 PM
I always look forward to mondays for these, you never disappoint

Roscoe
19-07-2010, 05:05 PM
On the religious theme:

A young Catholic Priest was asking the archbishop for advice. His congregation were falling asleep during his sermon.

"When you notice they have dozed off, bang your fist on the pulpit and in a loud voice proclaim, 'I went out with a beautiful woman last night.' When you have their attention, tell them it was your mother."

The next Sunday he did as the archbishop said. He banged his fist on the pulpit and said in a loud voice,

"I went out with a beautiful woman last night." He banged the pulpit so hard that his notes flew off and landed on the floor, but he carried on.

"I don't remember her name but the archbishop recommended her."

gary67
19-07-2010, 07:05 PM
Loved them all thanks again

Cicero
20-07-2010, 08:17 AM
A minister decided that a visual demonstration

would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed in to four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of

cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of

chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of

good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead


The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration? ?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,





'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

End of the Church Service



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