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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Surplus Disposal - Lot of 10 - Mixed bag........



Billy T
12-07-2010, 09:24 AM
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop sales person is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

*********************************


Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew will look weird until his hair grows back too.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm on the broken bottles, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy more beer and amo. Don't worry about anything, we are fine, and tonight is my turn to sleep in Scoutmaster Ted's tent!

Love,

Johnny

*********************************


The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked the cost, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN - AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

*********************************


Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large and violently raging river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing three times.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! God turned him into a woman and gave her a pair of reading glasses. She checked their map, hiked 500 hundred metres up stream and walked across the bridge.

*********************************


Eric and Jenny are only 13 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 13. Where will you two live?'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our pocket money. Jenny makes five pounds a week and I make 10 pounds a week. That's about 60 pounds a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been pretty lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shlt is adorable.

*********************************


A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's Ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said,

"Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man..

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

*********************************


The Amish & the Muslim

A Pennsylvania Amish farmer walking through his field notices a Muslim man drinking from his pond, using his cupped hand.

The Amish man shouts:"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have **** in it!")

The man shouts back, "I am Muslim. I do not understand your gibberish language. Speak English, Infidel!

The Amish man shouts back in perfect English, "Use both hands!!"

*********************************


Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's an old truck transmission over there, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they heave and strain and half carry-half drag it over to the edged, count one, and two and three, and roll it into the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, dive in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there, " says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped head first into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said; "Why that's impossible! I had him chained to a truck transmission!"

*********************************


If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

The Board of a big company with flagging financial results and rising internal costs decided it was time for a shakeup and hired a new CEO with a reputation as a hard task-master who demanded 100% from all his employees.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers, and on a tour of the facilities, he noticed a guy just leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers, all apparently hard at work, but he wanted to let them know that he meant business, so he asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "He was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

*********************************


A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :p

GreacherTech
12-07-2010, 11:04 AM
Great as usual

Snorkbox
12-07-2010, 11:19 AM
Thanks for that Billy T!!

xyz823
12-07-2010, 11:31 AM
:D Loved the scoutmaster one!

Chilling_Silence
12-07-2010, 11:38 AM
Thanks Billy! Brightened my day :)

Gobe1
12-07-2010, 02:12 PM
Haha, awesome, eric and jenny was priceless

wratterus
12-07-2010, 02:16 PM
Good ones today Billy, thanks!

mikebartnz
12-07-2010, 08:17 PM
Almost better than normal Billy T. Well done.

goodiesguy
13-07-2010, 03:36 PM
Here is some more jokes, these jokes are from Spike Milligan's TV Series (so if they don't seem rite, that's why):

The death is announced of Lord Startling Growth, his wife has described his condition as satisfactory.

A man who built a steeple without out any bells has been awarded the Nobell prize.

A girl with a 7-inch waist has been awarded the no belly prize.

A man given a week to live has won 2 million pounds in pools, asked how he would spend it, he said "as quickly as possible".

The pope is 79 today, asked how he would spend it, he said "as quickly as possible".

Mr. Johnathan King, a tree surgeon has been injured today when he fell out of a patient.

johcar
13-07-2010, 04:40 PM
Loved Spike when I was a kid, but somehow I think my humour gland has changed somewhat over the years.

I would have to say that little selection, on the PF1 humour scale (which runs from "Pathetic" to "Billy-T-Awesome"), rank around the "Slightly Amusing - If You're A Seven Year Old" level.

Points for trying though....

goodiesguy
13-07-2010, 05:08 PM
here's another one by spike:

"dad, dad! what's a lesbian?" , "ask your mother, he knows"

Cicero
14-07-2010, 06:01 PM
One for Ga....................


I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever”, I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.

"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England win the World Cup."

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

R2x1
16-07-2010, 08:47 AM
Metrics are measuring up.


• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong;

• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon;

• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz;

• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower;

• Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straight line;

• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake;

• 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone;

• 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles;

• 365.25 days = 1 unicycle;

• 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds;

• 52 cards = 1 decacards;

• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton;

• 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen;

• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche;

• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin;

• 10 rations = 1 decoration;

• 100 rations = 1 C-ration;

• 2 monograms = 1 diagram; and

• 4 nickels = 1 paradigms.

Cicero
17-07-2010, 08:01 AM
Only in Auckland..............

A young blonde woman in Auckland called Suzanne was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor named Jim saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.



He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."



Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning..



That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.


From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with Jim, one of your sailors, who's stowed me away"
she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said.

"This is the Waiheke Ferry. "

Cicero
17-07-2010, 10:45 PM
Another for Ga..................

Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.

Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'

"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."

The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.

'No' said Tim "He plays for England, but I was too embarrassed to say.