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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Ten more jokes for groan ups............



Billy T
21-06-2010, 11:39 AM
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ... and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy Doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The Doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises. (You may need SJ to translate this one.)


5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "the Police have absolutely nothing to go on."


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on."


8. Leif Ericson, a famous Viking explorer, returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).


10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

*********************************

After ten, comes eleven!

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 9 husbands and buried one. On their wedding night, she said to her new husband "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well" she said, "husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had the product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... He died, and God I miss him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

Are you kidding? she says "You're with the "GOVERNMENT!!"

"This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

*********************************


A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and my brother is gay.'

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)


Insult of the week:

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- - - Groucho Marx

WalOne
21-06-2010, 05:53 PM
:groan: :groan: :groan:

Good one Billy :thanks

pcuser42
21-06-2010, 06:31 PM
Groan ups? :D

Billy T
21-06-2010, 11:20 PM
Groan ups? :D

Well, I reckon the first ten were real groaners! :D

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Cicero
24-06-2010, 10:48 AM
Finally - - An answer I can Understand



An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall

Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the

****in’ boat."

Roscoe
24-06-2010, 12:39 PM
Two for the "Groan Up" department:

The Spanish authorities were concerned about the safety in cinemas across the country as they only had one exit.

So they instructed all cinemas to add an extra exit. The main concern of the authorities? They did not want all their basques in one exit.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you weigh a whale in a whale weigh station where do you weigh a pie?

(Singing) Somewhere over the rainbow.

Poppa John
24-06-2010, 12:45 PM
Finally - - An answer I can Understand



An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall

Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the

****in’ boat."

Priceless. PJ:lol:

Cicero
24-06-2010, 08:16 PM
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a
US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well
as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example,
I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a
fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.
The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women
take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it
creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing
to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.
Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the
police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there
'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair,
like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can
help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

gary67
24-06-2010, 08:48 PM
I want to own a Canadian slave to go with my Mexican one. If only the Australian one would behave though so I didn't have to smite her

Sweep
24-06-2010, 09:31 PM
Are you smitten then?

gary67
24-06-2010, 09:51 PM
Only with SWMBO who is a Nelsonian and therefore a Kiwi

Billy T
24-06-2010, 10:53 PM
Hey, This is pretty damned good! I mean, like, you peoples all gettin' into the swing of things and, like, going with the groan-up theme.

Next week I might even move on to constructive abominations, fornication and maybe some other neat and groovy stuff involving goats, with or without consent, so gird your loins and get into shape.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :devil

On reflection, maybe I should choose sheep instead of goats though, there's more of them to go around and they taste better as well, especially with a light dressing of creamed reject aussie pm.

Cicero
28-06-2010, 08:29 AM
I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was “where do women have the curliest hair?”


.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

WalOne
29-06-2010, 09:54 AM
Next week I might even move on to constructive abominations, fornication and maybe some other neat and groovy stuff involving goats, with or without consent, so gird your loins and get into shape.


With the consent of the Masons, of course. Of note though, is our local Ellerslie lot seem very liberated and progressive. A sign outside their Lodge Rooms advertises Belly Dancing :cool:

A good way to get into shape? :devil