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View Full Version : Monday Laughs.....Man vs Woman............



Billy T
07-06-2010, 10:49 PM
A WOMAN'S PRAYER:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who'll listen all night long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks,
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean,
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S PRAYER:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shlt.

*********************************


A man was tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

*********************************


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen" !!!

*********************************


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh... ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

*********************************


Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 -- depending on speaker size.

This is considered a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

*********************************


THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'



Insult of the week:

Few things can be less tempting or dangerous than a Greek woman over the age of thirty.

- - - John Carne


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

johcar
07-06-2010, 11:00 PM
Getting in early Billy!!

How long after he said that before John Carne was assassinated by Greek woman over the age of thirty?

gary67
08-06-2010, 06:54 AM
Oh yes I'm surprised Apple haven't invented that yet :lol::lol:

Cicero
08-06-2010, 10:34 AM
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!!

(True Story)



Scientists at NASA built a gun


specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the

windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all

traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent

incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength

of the windshields.





British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the

windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a

gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the

engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed

into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through

the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded

itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.



The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,

along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists

for suggestions.



You're gonna love this...



NASA responded with a one-line memo -

"Defrost the chicken."

(True Story)

nedkelly
08-06-2010, 11:02 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9noPxC_Pcc

nedkelly
08-06-2010, 11:30 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xgrlaTGBEBw&NR=1

R2x1
09-06-2010, 09:54 PM
Getting back on topic (as is my wont ;) ) ~ ~
_________________________________________
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"


Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

R2x1
12-06-2010, 09:40 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferrari and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband..
"Ours is prettier," she replies..