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WalOne
02-05-2010, 05:57 PM
OK guys, here’s a new competition where you get to add on not one word, but as many as you want. As long as those words make up one coherent standalone sentence that extends the story line as it evolves.

To make it interesting, let’s see if anyone can donate a prize for the winner/s. First prize, maybe a weekend in Wellington. Second prize, a week in Wellington, and so on.

Rules, we’ll make them up as we go. And I being the forthright and upright fellow I am, shall be the adjudicator. (PM me for my bribe list.)

To kick it off, here’s our opening line:

:banana:clap:banana:punk:badpc:


It was a dark and stormy night as we drove through the inhospitable countryside, desperate to escape - looking at all the houses perched precariously on the cliff edges while howling gales battered the walls, praying to God She would deliver us safe and sound to our destination, wherever that was to be …..

Let’s take it from here!

kenj
02-05-2010, 06:04 PM
As we drove around the streets we were desparate to find the "Golden Arches" as we were racked with hunger pains.

Ken

Poppa John
02-05-2010, 06:13 PM
Visions of Pepper Steak, hot bread rolls with proper butter. Even home made fresh fruit, not out of a tin. And oddly in this cold weather A cold MacBlack beer. PJ

KarameaDave
02-05-2010, 06:24 PM
None of this was to be, however, as we had to finish the lentil loaf, her mother had so kindly given us, yuck!

gary67
02-05-2010, 06:26 PM
Closely followed by a BK whopper to keep the King happy, then onwards and upwards to the great volcano in the North.

Greg
02-05-2010, 06:28 PM
There wasn't a single animal to be found, so the weight of our rifles and ammunition was a complete waste of our energy.

WalOne
02-05-2010, 06:28 PM
Reflecting sadly it didn't take too much to keep her King happy these days.

KarameaDave
02-05-2010, 06:31 PM
Suddenly, from the corner of my eye, I saw it, round, luscious it was what we had come for.

bob_doe_nz
02-05-2010, 06:32 PM
The lights beamed as if one closed their eyes in the sunlight.
(If we get enough words, we could publish our very own novel :D)

WalOne
02-05-2010, 06:35 PM
But then the reality set in, we had kms and kms to go until we reached Lincoln Road and our trusty Navman said we were still in Newlands.

Greg
02-05-2010, 07:05 PM
But the navman mistook New Zealand for Newlands in Britain.

lakewoodlady
02-05-2010, 07:19 PM
Now the frustration was really beginning to set in, and the thought of that beautiful volcano in the distance was somehow taunting us, and urging us to drive on through the night until we could once again stand proudly on the ski slopes.

Renmoo
02-05-2010, 07:30 PM
As we drive on, we realised that the gas tank is nearly empty.

WalOne
02-05-2010, 07:57 PM
But then, we see flashing blue and red lights coming up behind us: gratefully we pull over, hopeful we will get some help, but it was only Officer Roddy pulling us to say we should be saying, we "realise" the gas tank is almost empty, not "realised".

gary67
02-05-2010, 08:12 PM
Once more back on the road dear friends, the King was still tailing us. Oh my how fast that king can peddle

rob_on_guitar
02-05-2010, 08:13 PM
Once again we travel the road, only the headlights pierce the darkness. An equally dark figure on the side of the road waves us down for a ride, we slow down to see if help is needed...

Jen
02-05-2010, 08:23 PM
and I am stunned to see it is Dr Who! I quickly scan the horizon looking for any nearby Daleks.

R2x1
02-05-2010, 08:28 PM
The only thing moving in the entire scene was a Prefect riding a Nortons and emitting dark death rays to put the seal of Lucas over anything capable of byting. Even the mountain trembled.

pctek
02-05-2010, 08:29 PM
As sounds of "Exterminate" echo through the hills, he leaps onto the back of the ute and we take off rapidly hoping to leave them behind..........



(LOL, this is fun)

bob_doe_nz
02-05-2010, 08:38 PM
Thankfully there are stairs so they can't follow.

gary67
02-05-2010, 08:42 PM
The daleks now enter the lift so bypassing the stairs and thus not taking the stairway to heaven

coldot
02-05-2010, 08:48 PM
But we quickly jam the lift doors higher up and stop the whole system.

pctek
02-05-2010, 08:49 PM
Trouble is the ute didn't fit in the lift so we now have to find our way back to it to rescue the mattress.

Jen
02-05-2010, 08:51 PM
This is getting bad. I need help. Damn, no signal on my Telecom XT mobile. ****. Nevermind, I've just spotted a telephone booth. I run over and notice that it is blue? I pull open the door ...

gary67
02-05-2010, 08:53 PM
Sh*& its way bigger inside than it looks from the outside

bob_doe_nz
02-05-2010, 08:53 PM
The odd room, the strange eight sided console in the middle, a coat stand by the 'door'

gary67
02-05-2010, 08:56 PM
Rose she calls herself and she is not looking to lonely. As we crowbar the ute inside there is a strange noise..

R2x1
02-05-2010, 09:09 PM
Then, with a quick flick of his utility belt Batman demattresialises the ute and stairs into the distance.

WalOne
02-05-2010, 09:15 PM
Sadly for Rose, she was dematerialised at the same time, excepting for her gold capped dentures, left glistening by the side of the road.

Jen
02-05-2010, 10:11 PM
Super. Now the ute is gone and we still don't have the mattress. I pop those gold capped dentures into my pocket; might drop them off later at the local gold buying kiosk in the mall. Time to make a call. I spot the telephone dial and start spinning the number for dial-a-driver. Hmmm. That is weird. The humming is increasing and the walls are pulsating. I think I've dialed the wrong number :eek:

R2x1
02-05-2010, 10:52 PM
Worse still is the sudden realisation that spinning the dial only worked for dial phones- pushing buttons frantically is summoning hummers by the gross - time for a different number. Suddenly a familiar tune - Clark Kent steps into the phone booth, looks around, confused. Green numbers cascade down the walls ~ ~ can it be the mattrix has returned?

Jen
02-05-2010, 11:12 PM
01110111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100101 01100001 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01110010 01110111 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101 00111111

Sweep
02-05-2010, 11:15 PM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto arrive and notice they seem to be in the wrong movie so exit stage left.

xyz823
02-05-2010, 11:19 PM
As they exit the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers turn on. They are drenched in water as they stumble drunkenly out the door.

wainuitech
02-05-2010, 11:36 PM
Only to trip and fall face first into the ever growing wetness of the storm. Suddenly a blinding spotlight hits them full on - Halt shouts a rough voice --

R2x1
02-05-2010, 11:45 PM
Abruptly Roddy_Boy appears and serves them with a summons for omitting an exclamation mark (!) after the Halt command. He salutes and wombles off into the damp gloom.

Marnie
03-05-2010, 12:19 AM
Roddy rounded the corner in the dark and came face to face with the Dalek Police all wearing exclamation marks on their helmets.....

R2x1
03-05-2010, 12:21 AM
"Wat!" he cried,

Renmoo
03-05-2010, 12:31 AM
"You guys were my lost brothers!"

R2x1
03-05-2010, 12:40 AM
"But we're girls!" The Dalek Policewomen exclaimed markedly.

wmoore
03-05-2010, 06:05 AM
Then suddenly lance4K appears, they run fearing that a silly question will be asked about
them.....

pctek
03-05-2010, 07:33 AM
...and stumble over the sopping wet mattress in the dark.

gary67
03-05-2010, 07:46 AM
Which has been hiding in the bus all along.

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:26 AM
The bus was old and run down.

coldot
03-05-2010, 08:29 AM
Snatching the key I tried to wind it up. The old bus started ticking and then...

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:59 AM
it transformed into a giant robot.

WalOne
03-05-2010, 09:26 AM
Suddenly a policewoman wearing a long blonde wig and mini skirt (regulation issue, of course) appeared - "Allo allo allo" said she, "wot have we here?" "can't you see, you silly tart, I'm a bus disguised as a giant robot" said the bus.

wmoore
03-05-2010, 09:45 AM
The Bus disguised as a giant robot, sat down and thought to himself, Where do all the buses go when they die.

rob_on_guitar
03-05-2010, 09:45 AM
A red mushroom cloud paints the sky in the distance, suddenly a familiar voice booms out of no where "In the city, he must fight to survive, one man, one chance..."

It's the video preview guy!

WalOne
03-05-2010, 10:04 AM
Late for his last voiceover, or the wrong studio.

bob_doe_nz
03-05-2010, 12:28 PM
Don LaFontaine, the voiceovers of voiceovers mysteriously appears from the grave.

(Seriously he died a year or two ago)

prefect
03-05-2010, 12:30 PM
He was in remarkable condition considering he had been cremated.

johcar
03-05-2010, 12:50 PM
He was in remarkable condition considering he had been cremated.

... However, it appeared that the executors of his estate had opted for a budget cremation, the result of which left him merely severely singed and very cross, since no-one had checked to confirm he was actually dead....

Greg
03-05-2010, 01:16 PM
... However, it appeared that the executors of his estate had opted for a budget cremation, the result of which left him merely severely singed and very cross, since no-one had checked to confirm he was actually dead....LOLOL

After he took his hideous revenge, he went and had an ice-cold shower.

pctek
03-05-2010, 01:51 PM
Meanwhile, the daleks were gaining, Dr Who was still stuck on the back of the ute and no further driving progress had been made.

kenj
03-05-2010, 01:58 PM
Quickly he tapped out a virus on his laptop and sent it racing round the world, using that wonderful phone thing called "Twatter"

Ken

(Oooops, from Dr Who last night.)

prefect
03-05-2010, 02:07 PM
But an incredible thing happened, the virus infected twats only.

R2x1
03-05-2010, 02:42 PM
Politicians worldwide were struck down. Some even displayed morality and were ruthlessly culled by their nervous brethren. The mattress made an ominous soggy metrognomic sound from deep in it's ticking.

wainuitech
03-05-2010, 02:43 PM
Nortion sensing trouble brewing quickly pronounced it had the ultimate cure for the twats virus.

Altering the daleks to fight the infection - exterminate,exterminate – all the time the Dr still stuck in the ute was powerless to intervene.

prefect
03-05-2010, 02:48 PM
And stuck he sure was by Ados F2 glue which had spilt when the pcteck ute had gone over a speed bump.

R2x1
03-05-2010, 03:12 PM
The speed bump was as well as could be expected, but the Dr. was still in the ute sniffing glue. He was having some difficulty with the Ados, as all his previous sniffing had been with wallpaper glue. Nothing prepared him for this.

rob_on_guitar
03-05-2010, 04:11 PM
The Dr. glanced in the rear veiw mirror only to find a terrible horror only the eyes of an insane man could comprehend: He was in fact Dr Phill!

WalOne
03-05-2010, 04:22 PM
"Hi there big guy" murmured Dr Phill seductively, "haven't we met somewhere?"

rob_on_guitar
03-05-2010, 04:29 PM
"Help me to help you, to help you, to help yourself.....big boy"

Greg
03-05-2010, 04:29 PM
But Mrs Phill promptly received and imparted the information that Dr Phill was taking too large a dose of his amphetamine stash.

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 05:00 PM
On hearing this news, she immediately divorced him.

(My goal: to be the #1 poster in this thread as well :D)

R2x1
03-05-2010, 05:38 PM
Di Vorce thought about this - Realising that the ex Mrs. Phil was using hiim as a weapon, he pondered his options. A sudden decision was reached - he would extinguish his burning trousers, and then ~ ~ With one bound he was at her side. The bounder - she was beside himself.

Sweep
03-05-2010, 06:04 PM
And in a single bound they found themselves bound together.

WalOne
03-05-2010, 06:11 PM
But with their limbs bound to various bits of the bed, they soon realised that they were not going to be able to - you know - with their - you know - restricted by the ties that bind.

Jen
03-05-2010, 06:12 PM
Too late he remember the message: always put the lid on the Ados, don't blow on it as it will stick faster - safer communities together.

pctek
03-05-2010, 06:23 PM
So they proceeded embarrassingly onward to the hospital to unstick them all from the mattress and glue combination they had become......

R2x1
03-05-2010, 06:27 PM
Swiftly, they got stuck in and became very attached, one to the other. Alas, they fell from the bed of the ute and landed on the soggy mattress. Sadly, the Ados was a Southern blend of low water resistance and so it was Adios; they parted.
The storm continued. It's a hard life, finding the dry women,

gary67
03-05-2010, 06:28 PM
unabated for a very long time indeed

Jen
03-05-2010, 06:35 PM
He told Mrs Phil that a new Topshop had opened in Takapuna, so she quickly jumped from the ute and was last seen running off in a northerly direction.

At that same time the magnoalphaprotons magical cape covering 'Dr Phil' could no longer hold and he morphed back into Dr Who.

And so they continued, into the storm.

WalOne
03-05-2010, 06:42 PM
Meanwhile, a world away in a dingy back office at the Beeb, scriptwriters were bemoaning that their Dr Who of only one night's screening, had succumbed to temptations of the flesh, not to say Mrs Phil and a rather messy menage-a-trois. Acting swiftly they decided to immediately re-incarnate the Dr but were undecided on who they should cast in the part. Should it be Paul Holmes, Rodney Hyde, or even Helen Clark?

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 06:52 PM
Eventually, Winston Peters applied for the job.

Marnie
03-05-2010, 07:07 PM
He was muscled out of the way by Gerry Brownlee and slightly squashed as well, maybe he is like one of those wibbly wobbly men....

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 07:08 PM
Soon everyone was squashed by Chuck Norris, who, of course, got the part.

WalOne
03-05-2010, 07:13 PM
Huh? Who?

Jen
03-05-2010, 07:14 PM
Said the Dalek. They decide to Google the new Dr Who and found out if you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 07:18 PM
So they decided to run, but unfortunately, Chuck Norris caught up (as he does).

WalOne
03-05-2010, 07:20 PM
But who IS this Chuck Norris of whom you speak? Asked the Dr's current squeeze.

gary67
03-05-2010, 07:35 PM
Chuck Norris they all chorused in reply,"why he is the answer to life, love and the universe"

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 07:38 PM
The clever people in the crowd wanted to say 42, but Chuck Norris stopped them with his mind.

Jen
03-05-2010, 07:39 PM
And somewhere a lonely 42 wept quietly. No longer needed. No longer loved. Arthur Dent was somewhat dented too. He thought *he* had found the answer.

Maybe he ought to hook up with this Dr Who guy? He seems to be on a mission ...

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 07:40 PM
... a mission to destroy Chuck Norris, which of course was harder than it seems.

kenj
03-05-2010, 07:55 PM
He buckled his discombobulator to his belt, yelled "Banzai" and lept at Chuck!!

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 07:57 PM
But Chuck again stopped him with his mind.

Jen
03-05-2010, 08:01 PM
But only for a nanosecond before Chuck dropped dead. Unbeknown to all, "Banzai" was the secret pass-phrase that engaged the reverse kill switch. Instead of killing others, his body turned on himself. Bummer. Ought to have used a 109 char password.

The real Dr Who and Arthur Dent turned and looked at each. Chuckie was defeated so it was time to get back into that ute, in the rain, and head out into the galaxy, ah, I mean road.

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:23 PM
Then the lightning came. It hit the tree the ute was parked under, and the ute caught fire.

Sweep
03-05-2010, 08:23 PM
The Ute did not start as it came from the Holden stable so they looked around so see if they could Hitchike.

Greg
03-05-2010, 08:25 PM
Then the ute transformed itself into the fiery guy from the Fantastic Four.

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:25 PM
It was a Ford, and so immediately exploded.

wmoore
03-05-2010, 08:44 PM
And then morphed into a Skoda

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:48 PM
before morphing into a British Leyland, when it immediately fell apart when Top Gear filled it with water.

gary67
03-05-2010, 08:50 PM
Yet the Stig was still able to set a new lap record while towing a caravan

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:52 PM
The Stig promptly crashed into the caravan, making motorists everywhere much happier.

gary67
03-05-2010, 08:54 PM
James May wept with pain while Jeremy and hamster wept with joy. No star in a reasonably priced car was available to offer a lift to the hitch-hiking Stig

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 08:58 PM
... but some say he has wings under that suit.

gary67
03-05-2010, 09:03 PM
woooot, woooot, woooot as the Tardis lands beside the Stig and the cybermen pour out from inside Stig reveals his true colours they are red....

WalOne
03-05-2010, 09:11 PM
and Top Gear Dog indiscreetly waters the Tardis

bob_doe_nz
03-05-2010, 09:31 PM
The Top Gear dog spies K9 MK3. Is there true love in the air?

pcuser42
03-05-2010, 09:32 PM
Unfortunately, all that happened before this post was an epic dream.

R2x1
04-05-2010, 01:36 AM
But in the manner of classic epics, the powers of good prevailed and by the cunning use of skeins of wool, anti-minotaurus charms, gingerbread repellent and inedible breadcrumbs the assembled heroes were transported to an area where nobody could spell. The ute got a turbo, the mattress dried spontaneously, the top triplets got geared into oblivion, and Lucas was banned from the land of light. Observing that they were still not in Kansas, the Bronzeman and Marvin began to polish themselves. At this Alice donned a hat and Chucked empowered mushrooms from the Norris Wheel. Sizing up the situation, she shrank from the scene smartly. The space Captain declared himself an upright fellow, always on top of the situation, and offered to lead the heroes out of the wilderness, but warned that the mission might take five years.

gary67
04-05-2010, 07:59 AM
Meanwhile deep in the urban jungle of Auckland or was it Moscow the ute was regenerating itself using a mixture of Marmite, Vegemite, Raro and L&P. Gone was the turbo in its place grew a new type of super charger, larger wheels and an A-team style body. Alice was very amused by this and said so to the white rabbit

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:31 AM
"Go to the army and get some guns."

(Our school ball is Alice in Wonderland themed. :stare:) (YUSS! #1 poster! :D)

R2x1
04-05-2010, 09:19 AM
"Both our guns are out on war jobs this week" the Army's senior keeper of the gun. "In that case you're redundant" cried Alice. "Off with his head!" screamed the Queen, who had been dreaming of a sonless day.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 09:21 AM
Somehow Steven Joyce managed to get caught up in the act, and the Queen had accidently called for his head to be chopped off instead.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 09:41 AM
Contemplating the satisfying thud as the head fell to the deck, bouncing off the dais, Martian Luther King wondered what the outcome may have been had his dream not had something to do with recalcitrant South Auckland teenage brats.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 09:50 AM
The closed Tironui station seemed to be a teenage brat magnet, so he laid a trap, carefully avoiding the railway of course.

Richard
04-05-2010, 12:11 PM
Yo, the trap has caught the Ingham twins!

wmoore
04-05-2010, 12:29 PM
Not the bloody Ingham twins everyone cried.......... Then the crowds fell silent and fear came over their faces.....they stood face to face to the man ....the one and only

CHUCK NORRIS.

Richard
04-05-2010, 01:15 PM
But the Ingham twins transmogrified into a couple of plucked stuffed chickens, and Steve Norris Transmogrified into JOHN BANKS!! Oh Horror everyone thought. What can we do now?

Richard
04-05-2010, 01:17 PM
Quick, form up into a Supercity, and Hide.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 05:52 PM
With this, the Key to the Hiding place was found.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 06:06 PM
But the two plucked and stuffed chickens coyly pointed out that whereas we might have the key, we had forgotten to find out where the hiding place was.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 06:18 PM
The hiding place was, of course, the Super City, and neither of them had remembered this as they both had amnesia.

(Who's going to assemble the story so far :D)

R2x1
04-05-2010, 08:05 PM
Running the city through a quick assembler pass it became obvious that urgent action was needed. Rodney was cheerfully staked out on a volcano and instructed to shut up until the second hour of the eruption after next. He was not missed. (Particularly by the seagulls that enhanced him regularly.)

The chickens meanwhile could not recall getting amnesia, so they ordered a Royal Commission into the "Whatever it was and why it - was /was not - - doing / not doing - whatever it is or isn't doing now, or soon, or last week." This was a pretty standard requirement for Royal Commissions, so rain was ordered for the weekend. Meanwhile, back in the jungle - - - -

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:26 PM
... the lions were eating everything in sight.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 08:28 PM
The bush telegraph (the only one still working since the demise of P&T, then Telecom) summoned those most eminently qualified to convene Commissions Royal to convene. This opportunity aroused immediate interest amongst past Prime Ministers, Attorneys General, Governors General, some taxi drivers, and my old Aunt Edna.

gary67
04-05-2010, 08:38 PM
While over in London Prince Charlie in a fit of deja vu remarried Camilla, talked to his plants and still was waiting to be King. Or was that he married the King talked to Camilla and was still waiting to be a plant? Damn amnesia he would of thought if only he could remember. (Enter chickens stage right closely followed by the Swedish chef)

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:44 PM
But unfortunately, Rick Astley turned up.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 08:45 PM
and (expletive deleted) Gordon Ramsay

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:46 PM
All of a sudden Ramsay started yelling at everything in sight.

gary67
04-05-2010, 08:52 PM
Using his best imitation US accent "oh for F^&* sake' he raged you don't serve lamb without mint sauce

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:56 PM
However he was later spotted eating lamb without mint sauce, causing a paradox.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 08:56 PM
By appointment, we hope, ventured the heir to the throne.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:58 PM
Or was that "hair of the throne?"

(just making up BS now :D)

gary67
04-05-2010, 08:58 PM
Later at an underground bar where Rick Astley is performing John Lennon is overheard in the gents bemoaning the lack of musical talent in the world today.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 08:59 PM
Rick was singing his most infamous song.

R2x1
04-05-2010, 09:02 PM
Then the Swedish Chef fixed some meals made in a melody, but nobody could remember if they were hungry.

WalOne
04-05-2010, 09:08 PM
(just making up BS now :D)

You're onto it :D

Now back to the story

Jen
04-05-2010, 09:26 PM
Ah yes, where was I? That's right, leaving the fighting chefs and miffed musicians I head out back on road. I can't believe I was so easily distracted from my mission.

Mattress firmly stashed on the back of the ute, I drive off using my trusty Navman for directions towards the distant hills.

That weird buzzing noise overhead is a puzzle though. I wonder what is going on?

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 09:27 PM
The buzzing overhead was just a speaker strung over a power line. It looks like the brats moved on from shoes.

R2x1
04-05-2010, 09:58 PM
Drat! The Navman is a generic clone running M$ - the buzzing must be viruses circling in the excessive overheads.
Hey, Ho, Hup! With a deft overhead toss the evil clone is hurled into the lake while the missionaries re-arrange the mattress. With a single bound LL is beside the ute and hands over a TomTom for beating time in case of warps in the continuum. The mission continues.

pcuser42
04-05-2010, 10:03 PM
The new iGPS promptly claimed to be better but in reality had n real features.

gary67
05-05-2010, 07:48 AM
Stopping the ute outside a public toilet I rushed in for an ipoo, feeling 3 kg lighter and several $$ poorer but much much wiser I climb back in the ute failing to notice the missing mattress. Setting the iGPS for Queens wharf I fail to make it to party central..

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 08:28 AM
...and instead find two rusty old sheds, being kept for "historical purposes" when in fact they have no historical significance.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 08:56 AM
Shrugging off the inability of the insignificant to detect significance I peer along the pier in search of a peer. There, that little pile of embodied evil - Lord Rodney! With the crafty utilisation of 3 mL of fuel, the trusty ute nudges Lord Rodney far out in the harbour to the ringing cheers of thousands of serfs. Alas a public minion races up with an out-thrust summons for casting offensive matter into a waterway. Borrowing, a harpoon I impale the soggy little cretin bobbing in the harbour and drag it onto the wharf, where the minion looks, shudders and kicks the thing back into the harbour. He amends the summons to a charter giving me freedom of the city, with an appended parking offence notice for unauthorised parking in a party zone.
What this place needs is a robot.

kenj
05-05-2010, 11:18 AM
and then....speaking of robots, my cellphone trilled out its version of "Mori the Hori" (Howard Morrison Quartet) It was John Key asking me to fly to Paris, first class to repatriate the maori shrunken heads.

Richard
05-05-2010, 12:08 PM
"I didn't know Maori had shrunken heads" said Banksie the Supercity Lord Mayor Elect in His Own Time. Or was he really Banksy, the famous graffiti artist who wouldn't have known what sort of head a Maori would have, if any! So keep a watch out for someone in red robes and a gold chain painting things with a spray can on walls and fences. It may be Banksie(y).

Billy T
05-05-2010, 02:53 PM
Maoris? Shrunken Heads? With a sudden flash of vu-deja I saw into my future and realised that all that had gone before was of naught. I was condemned to wander through the desert, secure in the knowledge that the promised land was no more and it would be many months before the next erection, or did I mean election? My mind gets confused by sudden and frequent plot changes and I long for my peaceful life back in Afghanistan where there were only two choices, life or death.

Should I sleep, perchance to dream, my mind sees no future but an endless trail of visting Prime Ministers that the drones always miss.

Meanwhile, back in the jungle................

bob_doe_nz
05-05-2010, 03:26 PM
Doctor Chumbawumba was hacking and slashing his way through the dense foliage in search of the rare and mysterious Maltese Pup. Very few have seen it, even fewer ever live to tell of it.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 03:37 PM
Ah- that famous pup. Very tasty beasts according to some. However, that was cancelled by the Banks, famed for being utterly devoid of taste. Maltese banks remain an enigma here, which may show an amazing acumen on the part of the bloodhounds. The foliage, thoroughly hacked of with being called dense instead of special, was even more exasperated with being slashed upon. Time for a revolution - it is not just the council that is revolting. As one vine, the berries rose and marched North. Alas, that end of the wharf was a bit seaward, and so were the foliagely challenged aquanauts as they bobbed off in the distance.
Meanwhile (and this is where the story really starts), in PF1 Towers, electrons were in a foment. Due to the smallness of the pipe after last week's blockage, garbage was building up on the site!

Greg
05-05-2010, 04:35 PM
Ah- that famous pup. Very tasty beasts according to some. However, that was cancelled by the Banks, famed for being utterly devoid of taste. Maltese banks remain an enigma here, which may show an amazing acumen on the part of the bloodhounds. The foliage, thoroughly hacked of with being called dense instead of special, was even more exasperated with being slashed upon. Time for a revolution - it is not just the council that is revolting. As one vine, the berries rose and marched North. Alas, that end of the wharf was a bit seaward, and so were the foliagely challenged aquanauts as they bobbed off in the distance.
Meanwhile (and this is where the story really starts), in PF1 Towers, electrons were in a foment. Due to the smallness of the pipe after last week's blockage, garbage was building up on the site!
However... the garbage was recycled and an imitation brain was inserted into a human body-like being, which had the same mentality of an NZ politician.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 04:38 PM
But wait - the garbage wasn't recycled - it was disposed of by posting. Look all around you ;)

Greg
05-05-2010, 05:06 PM
It seems therefore that our so-called recycled person was in fact only a plastic bag from Pak 'n Save, which as we all know, doesn't recycle very well.

Having said that, the political brain remains intact, without the idiocity from before. It no longer has any grasp whatsoever of reality.

WalOne
05-05-2010, 05:45 PM
World famous surgeons (in New Zealand) gathered to marvel at this wonder of wonders, a political brain without a smidgen of prior idiocity, or any grasp of reality, and decided this was preferable to our exiting electoral system, and embarked upon a scheme to clone the brain. They did so, naming their efforts a CCC - Caucus of Collective Clones.

lakewoodlady
05-05-2010, 06:13 PM
Luckily in a spontaneous sort of way, Speedy woke up and said, "Ah ha I know I can really fix this situation , if somebody would just give me an HJT to anylize!"

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 06:18 PM
So someone went out and got a HJT log, and Speedy saw many viruses in the brain.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 08:14 PM
With a swift stroke of his mouse, Speedy lived up to his name and the viruses were downgraded to politicians. Giving them a bunch of Lucas lanterns ensured they would remain in the dark, powerless.

gary67
05-05-2010, 08:15 PM
He also spotted the trojan horse full to overflowing with political Bull. Once analysed the Bull was found to only be a wee calf and so was left to wander eternally around Auckland's harbour bridge looking for a lost hikoi to sign up with

R2x1
05-05-2010, 08:22 PM
He wants a hikoi? Granted?

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 08:53 PM
Granted, hikoi is not in Firefox's dictionary so no one knew what it was.

gary67
05-05-2010, 08:55 PM
With much postulating and poking out of tongues a hikoi approaches, it blocks the bridge so I can't get my ute across to look for my mattress but he Bull is happy at last to have some friends even if it is just Hone Harawira and Hone Key. As I extricate my ute from the crowd I spot a familiar penguin in the distance with his thumb out why it could be Tux but no I fear it is only R2x1 trying to get home

Greg
05-05-2010, 09:30 PM
He got a lift home. But sadly not to HIS home... it was to some remote island near the Seychelles.

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 09:32 PM
The remote island was a dream come true for some people...

WalOne
05-05-2010, 09:35 PM
But not if the transport to the island was a very very large waka

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 09:41 PM
The transport, was of course, a super high-tech teleporter, which could only be used by the under 65s. Those over 65 had to make do with Auckland's oldest trains.

(Max speed between -10 and 90 depending on gradient and whether or not it has a headwind :D)

WalOne
05-05-2010, 09:46 PM
On learning this, the waka descended into a deep depression, realising its days of ancient ocean voyages had at last come to an end and technology had overtaken it. Blub blub ...

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 09:49 PM
It met with the Wahini ferry and started talking.

(Spelling?)

WalOne
05-05-2010, 09:57 PM
Which the waka soon gave up on because Wahine was still grieving over that terrible night many years ago. and declined any attempts to be drawn into a conversation. But then, the Waiheke Island ferrys entered the fray complaining bitterly about how the Gold Card people were ripping off the system before it was pointed out to them they were enjoying much mula from Winston's scheme, and how they were biting the hand that feeds them ...

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 10:00 PM
Being antisocial, the now drowned waka decided to talk to some fish.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 10:04 PM
With a voice like thunder, a grievance/treaty negotiator demanded compensation for a just, full and generous settlement and compensation for people posting wrong and hurtful versions of treasured words like Whahine and whaka. Some of the whellington whakas were especially upset.

pcuser42
05-05-2010, 10:06 PM
Of course, W(h)anganui was not laughing about its missing h, but Pahpahkurah was.

R2x1
05-05-2010, 10:28 PM
Leaping aboard HMNZS Mattress, 2 sailors set sail for the promised land. The other half of the Navy decided to walk. Alas the F-ute-ility of such a pedestrian means of going to a distant pasture so depressed them, they had to report to an Alehouse for some military relief in large brown bottles. Later, much relieved, they decided that this campaign needed large reserves so they got some take-aways in large brown bottles plus dessert (in aluminium cans for lightness to relieve the the gloom).
Fortunately, no Taniwhas had appeared - another day like last Friday. Bishop Tamawhi claimed the credit and billed the Navy for services rendered, thus getting extra credit.

Billy T
05-05-2010, 11:17 PM
Dear Readers, for those new to the saga:A Synopsis of The Story So Far........

Many and miscellaneous, not to mention, like, totally out-there, are the characters we have glimpsed, tip-toeing furtively through this sordid tale of power, love, lust, loot, brutality, outright kinkiness, sodomites, gomorrahites, politicians, patricians and a few really weird types who defy classification. The plot is at once turgid yet racy, focussed yet discombobulated. In the fullness of time the plot will play itself out and all will be revealed, eventually, maybe, if we live long enough.

Meanwhile, buried deep in the dark and twisted corners of a thousand dark and twisted minds, there are yet stranger stories still to be disinterred, still untold....................

Greg
05-05-2010, 11:47 PM
And of course the local mind eating insects took their toll of the traveller's brains, eating their thoughts.

bob_doe_nz
06-05-2010, 12:48 AM
Etymologists are still at a loss trying to figure out why they do so. Do they feed on thoughts, or are they just after braaaaainnnnnss!

gary67
06-05-2010, 07:47 AM
Of course the mind reading insects turn out to be parasites preying on all humanity in the taking the form of IRD workers, they hide in dark places and leap out in front of unsuspecting ute owners trying to surreptitiously move mattresses between Gore and the Seychelles. While over in Egypt are man of the moment Lord Bob of no Hope is still crawling around the dessert looking for some way of filling the National government coffers with more mula

R2x1
06-05-2010, 08:27 AM
Fortunately, there is no risk of the government's coffers being embarrassingly full; the Gov't of the hour is making continuous raids on the family silver in their time honoured way, and ensuring their supporters are well able to to distribute the bounty safely out of sight. One exciting benefit for the nation under the progressive new style is the introduction of knighthoods for the shadowy people of the knight known as the knights of the round table. They have at great expense ensured that brains will continue to be stifled with the most powerful tools known to persons - NCEA and Unit Standards.This enables them to ensure that Marvin remains saddened, - - our great white hope is depressingly under-powered and his utility belt is depleted and sadly lacking in plenish. we need a new super hero to smite the unsmiteable foe and boldly go where the evil-doers lurk. Randy Stone will be in charge of the evening duties.
Unfortunately, due to a shortage of really good forum features this week, this post will probably not self destruct in any useful number of seconds.

wmoore
06-05-2010, 09:25 AM
Suddenly with a startle he awoke, It was all a very bad dream. He got up and made himself a coffee and sat down and grabbed the remote and turned on the TV to watch the
news.......

R2x1
06-05-2010, 09:26 AM
Tv on - Oh no - - ! ! It's turning into a nightmare!

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 04:59 PM
Coronation St was on TV at that time. Unfortunately, no one could find the remote.

Billy T
06-05-2010, 05:28 PM
Despite the weakness of the plot line, Robinson Crusoe was able to safely climb down the sheer cliff face without mishap, and gathering up his meagre possessions, at least, those that had survived being sent on ahead by Crusoe's Fast Forward Express Couriers, he swam out to the submarine that lay rolling gently in the surf, just outside of the reef.

As he swam, he contemplated the unusual flag, a sort of bent cross on white circle with red backgound, and wondered if the inhabitants would be firendly. Still he thought, they can't be as bad as the goat, though I'll miss the closeness and intimacy of those long nights we spent together under the stars.

Clambering aboard, he quickly mounted the conning tower, but finding it somewhat less satisfying than the goat, he prised open a hatch in the decks instead and dropped down into the dimly lit space below.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkeness after the bight light of the tropical sun outside, he began to make out several figures standing around a central table-like object with some strange object laying upon it, but whether animal, vegetable or mineral, Crusoe could not determine.

"I wonder who they are?" he thought "and what they are doing here?" then as his vision cleared he realised what it was that lay upon the table, who those figures were, and exactly what unspeakable horrors he had fallen into....................

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 05:29 PM
CHUCK NORRIS'S SIBLINGS.

bob_doe_nz
06-05-2010, 05:29 PM
Fist and fist in fist

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 05:31 PM
they fought. But not for long, as...

Billy T
06-05-2010, 05:58 PM
The lack of imagination in the narrative bored them to tears and they all went to sleep.

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 06:01 PM
While sleeping they had a dream, a dream about...

R2x1
06-05-2010, 06:21 PM
. . . four days long. (They don't make dreams like they used to - time was you could have a dream with four alternate endings and eight different distressed damsels before your eyelids had properly closed. Resource consents killed all that. )
Meanwhile, our hero realised his wallet had gone, and he discovered what conning tower really meant. Grimly determined to have his revenge, he ripped the flimsy plug from the defenceless sink and watched with quiet satisfaction as water and potato peelings bubbled up from unknown dark, dank, and donk depths. He stealthily made his exit, but not before putting a "No Exit" sign by the conning tower hatch, glancing back at the sleeping crew, he turned off the lights and left. He swam swiftly to the beach and presented a magnificent parrot to the first maiden he encountered. "Madam, allow me to present Hector, parrot in chief to the stars and half the crowned heads of Europe. May I point out that the inhabitants hereabouts have a nasty habit of sacrificing innocent maidens by throwing them in the volcano. I am Mr. Fixit."

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 06:28 PM
The so called Mr Fixit was actually from Monty Python and was nicknamed Mt Breakit.

Billy T
06-05-2010, 07:19 PM
And so Robinson Crusoe found himself once more marooned on the island, with little chance of rescue, or even a decent adventure while his fate was still being determined by one-liners devoid of plot or purpose, beyond increasing a pathetic post-count.

"Damnation", he said, "a golden opportunity to escape from that most unsatisfactory relationship with the goat and to simultaneously land in fresh and fertile lands from which equally fertile minds might create fresh and challenging story lines has been squandered! May the beast known only as pcwinvista develop an imagination, and quickly, or better, suffer a core meltdown."

Re-acquainting himself with the goat, for want of any other avenue of relief, he wondered perhaps if he should become a Mason, given that he had ridden the goat more than the requisite number of times to qualify, but cast that aside as lost symbols were very hard to find on deserted islands.

So, musing, Robinson lay back on the sand and contemplated the star-lit sky and the orb of the moon. Suddenly, a shadow passed across the face of the moon, then a shapeless black mass swooped down, ominously close to him and in a flash the goat was swept away and gone forever.

Bereft, Robinson wandered the island for many days searching for any sign of his lost companion, but all he found was a fragment of tail hanging from a thorny bush. If only it could speak, what a tale that tail could have told, of...............

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 07:24 PM
..amazing and wonderful things, including...

Greg
06-05-2010, 07:58 PM
...including all the happenings that had occured on the island. Some of which included the Sailing Night Mare... a wonderous hope for wayward lost sailors.

R2x1
06-05-2010, 07:59 PM
the tale of a post count obsessed flitter trying desperately to escape the clutches of Vista. Most people grow out of it pretty quickly, but not all. The goats tail fragment was laboriously soaked in a broth of wild honey and fermented mangoes in an endeavour to clone something companionable. A short seven months later the tale of the tail tailed off due to it being incorporated in a vat of newly re-discovered mead. With a bit of lateral thinking on the other side, the modern Crusoe was able to devise a primitive telescope; climbing to the highest point of the island he invented the emergency fire service when his lens just fortuitously landed at the right angle to kindle the grass using the power of the midday sun. As they packed up their equipment the fire chief presented Crusoe with an itemised bill for "Fires, one, Extinguishing." Pointing out that money was a bit short in that area, Crusoe offered to trade a bowl of Mead. Donning his other hat as Alcoholic Beverage Meadiator" the chief placed Crusoe under arrest, loaded him in the Fire Boat and returned to the Fire Wharf. After serving three days in the galleys reading proofs, Crusoe was a free man, but sans goat, sans mattress, and feeling completely uteless.
Resting his chin on his hand, he sat on a bankside Bollard, gazing into the distance until he was apprehended by a Rodin Control Officer.

pcuser42
06-05-2010, 07:59 PM
The Sailing Night Mare was in the form of a familiar piece of fruit...

(Who's editing? :p)

Jen
06-05-2010, 08:35 PM
Talking about food, he realised he was quite hungry. No real food for months on that island. We aren't going to mention that goat and why it was not eaten as he realised that line of thinking is a tad ... OTT.

He spotted a supermarket nearby and decided to stock up before heading off on his adventure, ah mission. Five hours later he managed to drag himself away from the self-checkout isle ... that barcode scanner with its red lights and the super shiny scale was sooo hypnotic. He swore he had only been in front of the check out counter for 3 minutes.

Hang on, what if some magical time warp had occurred? Maybe the Earth's magnetic poles had reversed?!?

Fearing the worse, he decided to investigate.

R2x1
06-05-2010, 08:49 PM
The race relations consillyater galloped into town on his favourite yak with sabres gleaming and pennants fluttering. He had heard that someone had hinted about Poles being backward. His eyes had a steely glint - clang! the steel was magnetised by the poles backing up and he couldn't even manage to be his normal one eyed self. Off to the Trentham races he went for some consolation, but fell at the Quins post hurdle, a well known stumbling point. Meanwhile Clusoe realised where he had gone wrong with the bar code scanner and hied him hence to a Bar for some heavy code scanning. Alas, his internal gyros had toppled due to a shortage of goat oil - a pivotal failure. Passing a few red lights, he found himself in Ponsonby - goats in all directions. Springing off to the west he saw a Chevalier, but couldn't see the point. Was our man doomed to go up the Whau without a paddle?

Greg
06-05-2010, 08:54 PM
But then he woke up, and realised all his supposed realities were simply dreams.

Jen
06-05-2010, 09:06 PM
Hauling out his trusty boogie board, he started to paddle across the harbour while avoiding that nasty Whau creek. He had heard a sugar factory was located on the other side. Maybe too much sugar had been consumed by Santa in the North Pole, resulting in the weight of the tubby fellow causing the poles to flip flop over. Now where was that secret sugar factory ...




[Off thread comment - some people are having fun participating in this thread and it isn't fair for people to deliberately sabotage it by trying to kill the thread/story. Please play fairly. Thanks]

R2x1
06-05-2010, 09:54 PM
Su(g)ar enough, there was a pink factory. Did they have a chocolate mine? Our intrepid venturer grabbed Santa's magnetic floating giant flip flops and with the aid of a land agent's sign set off to sale across. Splicing the mainbrace to a handy spring tide, he tacked erratically through the plastic bags. Peering up intently at the hulking pink monstrosity, he was about to make fast and clamber ashore when he realised that it was not the sugar factory - it was Mrs Fitzhugh-Smythe out for a swim. He was not the only one misled- a freighter was disgorging tonnes of sugar into the unfortunate lady's mouth. On the beach, a small group of dentists were frantically operating their calculators. Not a minute must be lost! He sailed nimbly to the sand and stepped off into dog stuff. He leapt aside and narrowly avoided a foreshore attempting to establish a seabed. Avoiding the cyclists emerging from the waves, he made his way to a small secret portal which he could not find. guided by the sickly smell of several thousand tonnes of sugar, he made his way along the front wall to be confronted by a corner. "That's a new angle" he muttered sidling around the corner. Climbing once more from the harbour he vowed to be more careful in future sidling round buildings on the end of a wharf. At this point he had a stroke of luck, Mrs Fitzhugh-Smythe was struck amidships by a ferry, and the resultant sugar fountain as she exhaled turned the jelly fish into real jelly and caused a riot in a group of weight-watchers having a therapeutic paddle diverting the attention of the awed watchers. Straight away he raced for the sugar conveyor, but alas, things didn't go too sweetly. he wound up treacling for his life.

gary67
06-05-2010, 10:25 PM
As Crusoe wandered aimlessly looking for lost sugars or was that love, he bumped literally into his alter ego Clusoe who was on the trial or maybe trail of a certain pink pussycat, as they chatted aimlessly there was a faint cry of "he's fallen in the water" followed by a loud splash. Eccles rushes onto the beach closely followed by Ned and the knights that go ni. The pussycat was hiding under an elephant up a tree which is why Clusoe was still looking with no luck so far

R2x1
06-05-2010, 10:35 PM
Clusoe cursed his luck, then realised that had the kharma wheel turned differently, he could be a cat in a most unenviable position. THAT would be most unlucky. Emtering a trance-like state he pondered the imponderables and tried to forsee the unforseeable. Eccles nutted him, Bluebottle sponned, him and the inspector taxed him to the sounds of Max Geldray. Shaking his head until it was dry, he replaced it carefully. Little Jim was out in the water again besporting himself with Mrs Fitzhugh-Smythe, a notable spectacle served in large glasses.

Billy T
07-05-2010, 06:53 PM
Clusoe came out of his trance in a totally discombobulated state. Disorientated and dismayed, he cast about for something familiar, some object or symbol that might perchance remind him of who he was, where he was, or maybe even what he was, which was by no means clear to him at the moment. Images of islands, goats, submarines, Max Geldray, and elephants hiding up trees whirled through his head and struck horror into his heart.

Suddenly he saw a white rabbit and realised that the answer might be found on the other side of a looking glass or perhaps just a door. So, with a sudden outpouring of psychic energy, he materialised a solid oaken door in front of hinself, a fine door with golden brass hinges and a solid brass knob polished by generations of tiny little hands.

Eager to escape from the frightful and nightmarish experiences of the last few episodes, he grasped the knob, hesitated momentarily, then, suddenly decisive, he twisted the knob, opened the door, stepped over the threshhold and closed it firmly behind him.

He found himself in a cave-like tunnel, dimly lit by a strange flourescence and the stillness and silence wrapped itself around him like a shroud, sending shivers up his spine.......then behind him he heard a soft, guttural gollum..........and a sibilant whisper...... "my precious"..............

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 06:56 PM
A ring stood on its perch in front of him. The voice seemed to be talking about the ring.

Jen
07-05-2010, 07:08 PM
Ohh ... that ring looks like it is made from gold - real GOLD! Deep in my pockets are the gold crowns that the dearly departed Rosie left behind all that time ago. I was still looking for a cash converters and this ring, this shiny, sparkling ring would bring me a tidy sum. I could feel it pulling me, calling me ...

Blimmin heck! What on middle earth is that creature on the floor?!? His "introducing .." sticker on his caved in chest says Gollum. He seriously needs a feed of Big Macs with super sized fries. Could also do with a good dosing of Regain hair product and some quality moisturiser.

He looks feeble. I am sure I could reach that ring before he could move or even notice I am here.

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 07:08 PM
Unfortunately, Gollum noticed that I was here.

R2x1
07-05-2010, 07:20 PM
First, the moisturiser, Hey - hup. - - - Bluebottle, Time for Little Jim to announce "He's fallen in the water". Thank you little Bottle.
Hair restorer? sorry, out of stock, but try this Wizzo wonder nut restorer. Give the twisted lad some McFish with iSaws.
1=2-1, 3+7=10. Two tidy sums, no space wasted. Moriarty hands Gollum the arithmetic chit, and takes the ring. Sapristi Spoons!
Alas, the Pink Panther, invisible against the pink Sugar Factory, has vanished.

gary67
07-05-2010, 08:45 PM
Dazzled by the powerful glow from my caving helmet adorned with a carbide light,(yes remember them) and overcome with the smell of spent carbide and acetylene Gollum passes out and I reach for the ring when suddenly nothing happened, but it didn't happen so fast you couldn't blink quicker. "Rope below" bellows a voice followed by a loud hissing noise as 200m of stiff muddy rope falls down the cave. As my light flicker s and goes out a voice wafts from afar the immortal words "the King won't be happy till the Whoppers no1"

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 08:47 PM
I took the rope, but since I was a Big Mac lover I had to run away when I got to the top.

gary67
07-05-2010, 08:57 PM
pcuserwinvista ran away due to my application of the flame on my caving helmet being applied to his nether regions, the smell of burning flesh. Luckily I then swapped the carbide light for my new LED light and with a little bit of movement, standing on one leg, giving funny handshakes I was able to watch the Freemasons channel. As Alice appeared from the darkness of the cave followed by the white rabbit, a mattress fell into the cave still strapped to parts of an old ute

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 09:01 PM
As the theme for pcuserwinvista's school ball is Alice in Wonderland, these were just people going to said ball. The flesh continued to burn, but luckily there was a lake nearby, which he promptly jumped into.

gary67
07-05-2010, 09:11 PM
"He's fallen in the water" laughs maniacally. "fire in the hold" followed by a loud explosion "oh know a carbide bomb hide" I yell frantically. Alice and the rabbit are last seen skipping off holding hands. "Boing" said Zebedee

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 09:12 PM
And so I hid, and in my hiding place I found...

R2x1
07-05-2010, 09:20 PM
. . . someone was hiding. PCUWV thoughht that was excellent, so gave him a good hiding and a McMush Microburger warranted free from nutritional value. Someone took off like a scalded cat with PinoyKiwi in hot pursuit brandishing a set of metric chopsticks. Get your car, bide your time advised the cave dweller who was almost certain that Gollum was his Uncle, even if Bob wasn't. Alas, a splash got Gary67 and being a Horatio type, he was not waterproof. Foiled.
In the confusion, a Dragon went to sleep, then another. Now what to do?

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 09:22 PM
No one knew what to do. Then God gave them a sign.

gary67
07-05-2010, 09:23 PM
2 French maids and a partridge in a pear tree. But seriously folks or should that read but folks seriously it's time for a quick change, there how was that I am now not in a cave and I'm not going to take it sitting down, I am going to take it standing up which is sitting down only higher up.

Over at the news desk news of a missing ute, mattress, police box, elephant and rabbits has the news team unleashing the hounds of hell hot on the trail, unfortunately it was the wrong trail. That particular trail only leads to California

pcuser42
07-05-2010, 09:24 PM
where the elephants roam free on the streets.

R2x1
07-05-2010, 09:31 PM
The Coyotes however roam for a fee. This is particularly galling for cavers, who have long been accustomed to roaming free in the nether regions and utilising the dark underbelly of the footpath. Gary67 decided to check his height - zooks! He was minus 76 Metres before daylight saving. Time for an interlude.
The lewd inter being over, play resumed and . . .

gary67
07-05-2010, 09:40 PM
I forgot and measured myself in imperial, whereas if I had measured myself in metric I would be taller. However being lewd was Alice and the rabbit, the pirates were lurking in the background waiting to pounce on an unfortunate elephant roaming free on the streets of San Jacinto. Wile coyote was still trying to catch the Acme road runner. The French were catapulting cows over the ramparts and I'm still minus 76m low. How low can you go according to Darwin's theory of monkeys I can't get No Satisfaction

Richard
07-05-2010, 09:59 PM
"Resting his chin on his hand, he sat on a bankside Bollard, gazing into the distance until he was apprehended by a Rodin Control Officer."
R2x1 is online now Report Post Reply With Quote

I can't get past this line, it is very very clever. Congratulations.

R2x1
07-05-2010, 10:12 PM
There ARE tablets for that sort of thing, but sometimes I forget.

bob_doe_nz
08-05-2010, 11:50 AM
R2x1 popped a tablet in his mouth. Five minutes later everything around him turned into a psychedelic nightmare.

gary67
08-05-2010, 12:12 PM
Waltzing around to Pink Floyds Emily R2x1 lived on in a psychedelic haze reliving his youth sans dragon, due to the nature of the tablet which resembled an iBuprofen but was more like an iLSD in that it looked like a fruit worked like magic and cost two arms and leg. Over in the cave pcuserwinvista is still trying to find Alice and the rabbit who have been at it like well rabbits all night long. Meanwhile down in Christchurch the pirate having captured his elephant is trying to work out how to get it down from the tree and onto the mattress tied to the back of the ute. I fear he might need some assistance form the tardis for this task

R2x1
08-05-2010, 06:01 PM
Damn! These iPads must be contagious - - tablets everywhere.
The acme mattrologist surveyed the seen - as far as she could see there was visibility. Giving the conditions a C on the iScale of looks, she looked up just in time to see a seagull rapidly being obscured by - - Splat. 20 minutes bad luck in the blink of an i.
On the Sugar Factory conveyor the Pink Panther was sprinting as though his life depended on it. By an unhappy coincidence it did, the pinkness of the panther blended with the pinkness of the factory, 10 out of 10 for stealth, but barely a 0 when it might be handy for the safety officer to spot our hero's plight. Putting both his active soles into it, and taking heart from the fact that while there's life there's hope, he pounded on. Taking pity on him, the script writer advised the animators that regardless of cartoon conventions, panthers run better on 4 legs than two. After a bit of a rough spot where he was running on forelegs, a quick few strokes of the pen saw the flamingo tinted feline in his element for running at last. By a strange quirk of fete, a party quirk landed on the Emergency Stop just as the panther hit maximum speed. Rapidly the cartoonists drew a cat shaped hole in the far wall as the Panther exited stage left at speed. Several bystanders demanded that the Panther be redrawn as an aircraft and the Sugar Factory transform to am airfield. Alas, the spirit of scientific endeavour on a Saturday in Northcote is restricted to how many Sushi's you can eat without using the same shop twice.

The mome-wraths were outgrabed, and their votes disallowed. The lights changed from Amber to Red as night fell heavily and cursed darkly.

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 06:06 PM
The red lights meant that the tablets needed charging. While the iFails - sorry, iPads - recharged, the panther was redrawn, but not as an aircraft.

prefect
08-05-2010, 06:09 PM
The curtains were drawn but the rest of the room was real including the soggy mattress hung out to dry

WalOne
08-05-2010, 06:16 PM
"Now listen here you, night", trilled a lady who had almost been deaded in the process of night falling, "it's dangerous enough around here with all those red lights and goings on. Why this may even be Lincoln Road in Henderson" she opined.

Yes. Skirts covering all things that may remotely be considered to be seductive especially to callow South Auckland youths, gloves, granny specs, small hat, umbrella, sensible shoes, and a large tote-bag containing several Thesaurusi (?) and dictionaries. It could only be ...

Enid Blyton!

WalOne
08-05-2010, 06:21 PM
"Super" chorused the famous five, "we're due for another adventure", before enjoying their usual fare of tarts with lashings of cream. "Rather" woofed Toby as he settled down to delicately gnaw on a elephant bone. Wasn't that elephant left up a tree somewhere?

R2x1
08-05-2010, 06:48 PM
Rupert being bearly able to here her, decided that she had turned Noddy, so he de-listed her.
Now a more upright personage, Ms B took to her heels. When they had submitted, she administered stern lashings to her toes. Both toes and stern objected to this treatment and decided to live apart.
This is how apartments got invented.
The mattress decided that leaky children were more of a problem than leaky buildings and vowed that he would never be a water ski again. To this day there is a blanket ban on water skiing using mattresses without a royal charter signed by Charlemagne's mother in law. Try getting one of those late in the season !
The ute indicated it was on the blink, and would not budge until PCtek administered secret Southern Herbs and Spices.

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 06:53 PM
These spices were, of course, huhu grubs. ;) While the city folk were disgusted, she calmly...

Billy T
08-05-2010, 06:56 PM
.........whistled for Julie Andrews, the dreaded umbrella-wielding inventor of the ePad, a completely new computing device powered entirely by the sound of music.

"What in heaven's name is going on here?" she trilled, "you've gone and ruined some of my favourite things! Bursting into song, she levitated beneath her umbrella and with her ePad tucked securely between her thighs she headed for the Waitakere Alps to search for raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Alas all of the local kittens had been rounded up by the SPCA and there wasn't a cream colored pony or wild goose to be seen either, though she did encounter a very angry duck when she ran a red light on Universal Drive.

God I'm hungry said Billy Bunter (in as smooth and seamless a segue as you will ever see in print!) where's the nearest Chinese Takeaway? I need some schnitzel with noodles, I've been bitten by dogs and stung by bees and I've bloody well had enough of this nonsense!

Just at that moment there was a loud hammering on the door (use your imagination folks) and Billy rushed to open it, in the hope that sustenance lay beyond, but to his dismay, it was the Winstone Glass Man, who was very confused to find that he had fallen completely out of his radio commercial and was now caught up in an aimlessly meandering story where his fate would be decided by.............

R2x1
08-05-2010, 07:01 PM
Diamond Lil, who administered some cutting strokes.
Alas . . .

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 07:01 PM
...he disappeared back into his ad.

R2x1
08-05-2010, 07:02 PM
Thursday week. Listen again for . . .

WalOne
08-05-2010, 07:19 PM
The adventures of the famous five.

In this episode Toby contracts elephantiasis from gnawing on the elephant bone and carks it, and the famous five decide to visit Wicked Uncle Quentin ...

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 07:22 PM
...who was actually Helen Clark in disguise.

pctek
08-05-2010, 08:46 PM
(LOL. I was on Universal drive today...)

gary67
08-05-2010, 09:30 PM
The famous 5 on leaving from wicked uncle Quintin's fall foul of the Secret 7 a not so secret group anymore of youths out for a nights rampaging on cheap booze, realising their mistake the famous 5 alight from the booze bus on Universal drive only to find due to quirk of fate (or some especially dodgy mushrooms from Uncle) that they are in fact at Universal studios about to be pooped on by a dead elephant in a tree with a raging pink panther pacing around the base. Toby instantly takes a shine to the panther and a scene ensues that cannot be shown due to the young age of some contributers

WalOne
08-05-2010, 09:35 PM
Especially as Toby had carked it a few posts back ...

gary67
08-05-2010, 09:53 PM
Ah but the powers of reincarnation are wonderful. Toby being a true believer of Buddha in life had come back as Wolf in sheep's clothing and was even now being chased by a couple of Australians in gumboots whistling Waltzing Matilda.

WalOne
08-05-2010, 09:56 PM
Which Toby thought, was much to be preferred than wicked Uncle Quentin pursuing him with a tube of KY ...

R2x1
08-05-2010, 10:01 PM
Battening down the back-posted Toby zombie, Capt. Supremo hurled Toby the wonder dog into a log peeler. Toby was very muted after his debarking and decided that cave canine was very much the best procedure, so provided to live a bit centerward of Nelson. (He was disappointed at Nelson's minimal column inches, being a dog of a marking kind.) Can a reformed zombie dog be living anywhere? Will the fabled sunshine revitalise a muted hound?
Meanwhile, up the Great North Road, a giant swarm of radio equipped bees was moving steadily. Residents decided to tape everything, but they soon had their Phil of that moon Shone. Desperately the scribe sought an exit - - there - - >

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 10:14 PM
, the exit being further south on the Great South Road. This passed through Papakura, where...

WalOne
08-05-2010, 10:22 PM
with infinite Bee logic, they saw that they were in Papakura, not Pahpahkurah, so they immediately pressed [ESC] and returned to Henderson, safe from recalcitrant teenage South Auckland teenage geeks ..

pcuser42
08-05-2010, 10:31 PM
...but were faced with the Westies instead, but at least they weren't armed with knives.

R2x1
09-05-2010, 12:46 AM
A flock of Westies leapt in the air and raced toward the swarm of bees. All exhaling together, the flocking Westies spifflicated the bees with clouds of happy smoke. The bees got motherlessly happy, and so, no longer being sons of bees, were able to move east, where they discovered the Sugar Factory. Bonanza!
Meanwhile the deflocked Westies were in a bit of a quandary - some had not released all the happy smoke, and with the non-traditional (for Westies) exercise, they had got a heap of happy into their alcohol streams. Some were unable to come back down to earth, and drifted about helplessly.
This attracted the attention of a leading peer from across the inlet, the North Shore Mayor, who declared that random floating aerial Westies were a hazard to aviation and fully justified his opposition to the Whenuapai Airport scheme. The Waitakere Mayor offered some digital gestures and offered the Mayor of Toyland a free ride at Waikumete ASAP. (Toyland? The North Shore seems to have a boat on every second lawn that never goes near a beach, so they must all be toys.)
But where is the ute? The Westies were fed up with being known as that uteless bunch, and were determined to find a way to evade the problem. They formed a new political party, rounded up a lot of kegs and had a meeting. Their have been quite a few proposals, many seconds, and it is a foregone conclusion that a lot of motions will be passed before the night is over.
Motions? The very creek that Clueso was heading up in search of a paddle. Ducking under a grille across the creek, he detected the overpowering odour of Hippo doo.
He headed briskly for the bank, but instead of a smiling banker he met the North end of a South bound Hippo and the aroma was explained. Just when he thought things couldn't get worse, the hippo underwent a reversal and Clueso leapt into the air repeatedly. In honour of where he had been, the place was renamed Westie Springs, but in view of the hippo's contribution, changed to Westie Stern Springs. Within 17 seconds a dyslexic newsreader announced it as Western Springs, but Clueso was still up Motions Creek in dire need of a paddle.
So legends are borne out. Well chewed and covered in Hippo spit.
So where is the ute?

gary67
09-05-2010, 10:16 AM
A police dispatcher is at this very moment having a conversation with a small ute that is reporting itself lost somewhere north of Auckland, it seems to think it might be around Whangarai but doesn't really know. It also wants to report that it is sitting on a nice pile of bricks and is sans wheels. Clueso meanwhile having escaped the clutches of the evil banker who was trying to interest him in a loan at 0% interest with noting to pay for 500 years, then repayments of $4000000 a day + 2 arms and both legs in interest. Finding a paddle Clueso was able to raft back down the creek and out into the Gulf where he ran into a mild oil slick courtesy of BP and Barack Obama the medallist of the Swedish variety

R2x1
09-05-2010, 03:05 PM
Viewing an oil sick as immensely improving the water quality, Clueso dived in and dog paddled happily around in circles normally better known for their croissants. Deducing he had narrowly avoided a Ponsonby bunfight, Clueso clambered back on the raft and resumed his normal duties of avoiding volcanoes. He did it well.
Meanwhile, the uteless Westies, never imagining their quarry had migrated North for the wildlife, ordered more weed, more beer and continued their meeting.

WalOne
09-05-2010, 04:47 PM
While across the harbour, the mayor looked westwards past the pink sugar edifice, smelt the roses and absently mindedly (as some mayors are wont to be), watered a near by tree, all the while thinking how lucky he was to be in the right place at the right time, and go down in history as the last mayor of toyland.

gary67
09-05-2010, 08:31 PM
Over at Legoland the secret seven were holding a not so secret meeting about who should be mayor of the super city. Should it be Banks, should it be Clueso, should it be the reincarnated Toby or should they go with the favourite Winston Peters? Noddy thinking he was in with a grin meanwhile was chasing Alice trying to prize her form the grasp of the white rabbit. The Ute is happily sampling some Northland cigars or at least that's what he told the Police and PCtec when they caught up with it. The Pink Panther is left wondering why nobody is writing for him anymore and wonders why everybody is leaving the story

R2x1
09-05-2010, 10:32 PM
Well, (and this is where the story really starts), a bunch of fine, upstanding, always-on-the-level, spaceship commanders were meeting face-to-face. The traditional lament of starship commanders was being aired - why was it so hard to get a start in their profession? Steely gazes had been honed, uprightness was at a peak, kilometres of Lycra and Spandex had been craftily formed into deceptively simple uniforms, and resolve was at a peak. All in vain - there just were no intergallactic fleet captains required. Ordering another round of pan-galactic gargleblasters, Jim Church remarked that the people at WINZ were far from helpful, not offering a single appointment in the last week. Dr. Spock reported that a man with his capabilities should not be forced into an illogical activity like writing books about how to spoil kids and ruin 3 generations was demeaning, and humiliating.
Mr Scott remarked that there was more money in putting a chain around your neck and doing dog impressions outside the Toyland council chambers than boldly going where no man had gone before (then meeting long-lost voyagers who obviously had been there, but apparently not before).
"More grog gentlemen?" inquired Capt. Bligh, a man well behind his time. Capt. Fred Spoons, EPNS, was just about to accept a large measure, when it was whipped away by Major Dennis Bloodnok, Bottle Scarred veteran of many conflicts.
Noddy shook his head saly, looked shyly at Spock and said you don't look like the other Bigears." "Copyright problems" muttered Spock from behind his hand.
Suddenly, Prefect appeared, demanding that all present show their towels. It's no use, I threw mine in" offered Bloodnok.

coldot
10-05-2010, 06:59 PM
"Aaeiiioouuu!" said Bluebottle. ""You idiot!" said Dr Spock,"he said towels not vowels!"
"Oh, that is not fair, I always get the blame for what goes wrong" said Bluebottle as he exited rapidly left stage.

gary67
10-05-2010, 09:28 PM
Enid Blyton rolled over in her grave, the tombstone above had the inscription Not dead, just sleeping! Who the hell does she think she is kidding thought Bloodnok as he wrung out his dirty socks over her grave. First she writes some drivel about talking rabbits then about a group of kids and a dog, then another group of kids but more of them what is the world coming too? Meanwhile Capt Bligh is all at sea and waving a cutlass at Clueso out on his raft. Over in the new world Custer is making a stand against them Darned pesky redskins, his 2 sticks of rhubarb are no match for their arrows and he retreats into the circle he ordered made using yellow taxis, but have no fear John Wayne is here wearing a superman cape and blue tights (so that's why he was called Marrion)

R2x1
10-05-2010, 09:28 PM
Henry clasped Min feverishly as they rolled about the carriageway. Their hair, clothing and teeth were awry - they rolled, they heaved, they writhed. They had travelled in this manner for some kilometres. Min was beginning to enjoy herself, but I digress.
Over a nearby Whaitakere Alp, a small car-like pile of quivering incipient failures, bereft of many parts hove into heaving distance emitting blackness from it's Lucas orifices - the Great Blondini was back in town. In the back, a white rabbit sipped a pink gin.

pcuser42
10-05-2010, 09:29 PM
The white rabbit was from a particular story previously mentioned in this thread.

bob_doe_nz
10-05-2010, 09:35 PM
The tattooed white rabbit was a sign of things to come. With it, one had the choice of the blue pill or the red pill.

pcuser42
10-05-2010, 09:36 PM
The rabbit was unable to decide so enlisted the help of his friends.

WalOne
10-05-2010, 09:38 PM
The group of kids, Toby, white rabbit, et al, collectively were awe struck. Not only have some people actually read this thread, but also, their faith in our education system was restored with the revealing that one of the readers was a recalcitrant South Auckland youth ...

In the meantime, the intrepid Walone was still driving around the Whaitakere Alps trying to find Cicero and his way from deepest darkest Whenderson to Khmeu via Mountain Road and getting lost in the process.