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View Full Version : Monday Laughs......Bulk clearance of jokes I can't show my wife............



Billy T
19-04-2010, 11:02 AM
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be called 'woman'.

He said, "This pretty creature will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And of course, the rest is history......................

*********************************


My one day of employment......

So, after landing my new job as Foodtown’s greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ....

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud, hairy, overweight and extremely unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Foodtown. Nice children you have there, are they
twins?'

The ugly apparition stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*&^K no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's nine, and the other one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just F*&^%ng stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe that anybody would shag you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Foodtown.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work ....

*********************************


Woman's list of what she wants in a man!

Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking.
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
4. Listens more than talks.
5. Laughs at my jokes.
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
7. Owns at least one tie.
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly.
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car.
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally.
4. Nods head when I'm talking.
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes.
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture.
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach.
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down.
10. Shaves most weekends.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed.
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public.
3. Doesn't borrow money too often.
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting.
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times.
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends.
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear.
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner.
9. Remembers your name on occasion.
10. Shaves some weekends.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children.
2. Remembers where bathroom is.
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep.
4. Only snores lightly when asleep.
5. Remembers why he's laughing.
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself.
7. Usually wears some clothes.
8. Likes soft foods.
9. Remembers where he left his teeth.
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

*********************************


After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white tv, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.

Now I have a $1.500,000. home, a $95,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen tv, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me I should go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white tv.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

*********************************


Marriage


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then adopt a dog !

If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.

BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness,
.
.
.
.
...............then adopt a cat!


Now be honest, you thought this was going to say..... 'marry a man', didn't you?

*********************************


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real ***** this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

*********************************


A Marriage made in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

*********************************


Subject: Absolutely Priceless...


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. What happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone *****, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the Right thing, at the Right time: PRICELESS


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

Gobe1
19-04-2010, 02:22 PM
awesome, thanks billy

jonathan
19-04-2010, 05:25 PM
Love the last one.

johcar
19-04-2010, 05:39 PM
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

Renmoo
19-04-2010, 06:52 PM
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."
:D

Cicero
20-04-2010, 04:54 PM
I think it is worth repeating?




PILOTS versus ENGINEERS!!!



After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"

Which tells the maintenance engineers about any problems on board

The aircraft.

The engineers correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and

Then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots

(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S)

by maintenance engineers.

~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last………………

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.