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View Full Version : Monday Laughs..............Celibacy, Love stories, and more...............



Billy T
15-03-2010, 11:04 AM
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

"And that was when I began my life of celibacy".........

*********************************


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...And I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor...

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon... So I did sir" says Murphy...

"Bravo, bravo!...You're good at this and what about the third one?"Asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does... like a bolt outta the blue. She tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick...For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jaysus Murphy, what did you do?" Asks the doctor...

"I put drops in her eyes"

*********************************


A love story for men

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'

The Princess said, 'NO !'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and kept a hotrod and other old cars in his garage, went fishing and hunting and played golf, stayed out late at night, got up whatever time he felt like, dated any woman he fancied, and drank beer and coffee, brought sexy women home for the night, and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up, watched whatever he wanted on TV, wore his boots in the house and farted whenever and wherever he liked.

The End

*********************************


A 78 yr old Chief asks his wife "Do you feel sad when you see me running after young girls?"

Wife replied, "No not at all, even dogs chase cars and they can't drive.

*********************************


A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

*********************************


An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the Mayor. The priest was quite concerned, "You have to do something about the footpaths in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The Mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing, your wife told me that she fell three times last week!"


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

pctek
15-03-2010, 11:59 AM
15 Items of Advice for Women add joke

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

8. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

9. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.



Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e.g. drink a cup of coffee.
In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the children's sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat.

A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult woman, will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.



Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.

A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life. The girl says, "Mommy, what's a penis?"
Her mother says, "That's what your father pees with."
Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?"
Her mother frowns and says, "That's what is attached to the penis."

Q. Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.

Q. Why is it so hard to find a man who is sensitive, caring and emotionally mature?
A. Because they all have boyfriends.


GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick


Q. How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.

He said . .. . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time

He said . . . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
She said .. . . He buys two cases of beer.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.




Q. What's the best thing to do if your husband walks out on you?
A. Lock the door.




A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big, macho man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants!" she said.
He shot her a stern look, paused, and then said, "That's right, and don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family."
Hearing that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his kneecaps. He said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "And that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes."

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One...men will screw anything.





Q. Why do men masturbate?
A. It's sex with someone they love.


Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.




Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom: To understand my man
Love: To forgive him
Patience: For his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"


A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besies that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. A hobby of some sort would certainly help me resist temptation."

So his wife sent him back a harmonica, saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually, his tour of duty came to and end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to ge tyou into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."


Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.

"That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so.


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.
Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs, and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.







Why Dogs are Better Than Men!
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
Dogs understand what no means.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

WalOne
15-03-2010, 12:49 PM
:ban

This post, unfair on us blokes:lol:

kenj
15-03-2010, 12:59 PM
:ban

This post, unfair on us blokes:lol:

Don't worry... us blokes don't have to keep justifying or proving ourselves. Most of us are happy to be as we are.

Ken ;)

Gobe1
15-03-2010, 01:13 PM
true but still funny

lakewoodlady
15-03-2010, 05:58 PM
Oh, c'mon PCTek, they're not ALL like that! :)

LL

Billy T
15-03-2010, 06:04 PM
The key difference between Blokes and Blokettes is that most Blokes don't give a toss what Blokettes think of them, whereas most Blokettes spend their whole lives worrying about what they look like, what the neighbours think, and what everybody else is wearing. :illogical

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Disclaimer: I do care what Mrs T thinks of course, it's not worth my life not to!

R2x1
15-03-2010, 06:10 PM
I do not have an opinion on the subject, that will have to wait until SWMBO returns.

R2x1
16-03-2010, 05:46 PM
Well, the cat's away, so - -

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work the stuff.

zqwerty
16-03-2010, 06:01 PM
Har Har

Sweep
16-03-2010, 06:07 PM
I still can't work out why girls get a guy then try to make him different.

SurferJoe46
16-03-2010, 06:25 PM
Why do women have such small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink and the stove.



Why don't women need a watch?

The clock on the stove is always correct.

I'm gonna burn, huh?

R2x1
16-03-2010, 06:41 PM
See you at the hanging. I'll be at the front.



If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
is not fully trained yet.

SurferJoe46
16-03-2010, 07:07 PM
I'll send you a PM with one that you can use for 25 cents (US) every time you tell it.


Cancel that - I'm feeling the heat right now.

R2x1
16-03-2010, 07:14 PM
I have a multi thousand-mile safety zone cushion at the moment.

There has to be some advantage to that.

SurferJoe46
16-03-2010, 07:22 PM
I have a multi thousand-mile safety zone cushion at the moment.

There has to be some advantage to that.

I missed the trip to Upsidedown Land this year (TY US Gumment and Homeland Security!) but there's always NEXT YEAR for you!

You CAN assuage my anger with some cold beer though. Buy it now and keep it on the ready for when I get there. I'll also bring some Cherry Kool-Aid.

R2x1
16-03-2010, 07:37 PM
I have put some Sarsaparilla aside with added Vegemite to give it a healthy kick.
I was not too worried about threats from your direction, the menace comes from the Dragon who is back in the old country (Hopefully not getting claws sharpened and the furnace upgraded.)
Since she is 4 or 5 km (2 or 3 miles) from a phone, and even further from an internet connection I will timidly live dangerously.

R2x1
16-03-2010, 10:20 PM
And to take full advantage of the safety clearance ~ ~


Why do men die before their wives?
Choice.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Why are brides always dressed in white?
To go with the kitchen appliances.

What's the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it, just once.

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done free.

Why did the woman cross the road?
That's not the point. What's she doing out of the kitchen?

How many divorced women does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to form a support group

SurferJoe46
17-03-2010, 04:13 AM
That came in at 02:20 this morning and - well, I was asleep.

pctek
17-03-2010, 08:59 AM
There are loads of "woman" jokes all the time.
I post a few "men" jokes and look at the reaction!!!


What, no sense of humour when it's the other way around?

R2x1
17-03-2010, 09:45 AM
Well, possibly both viewpoints are funny? ;)

Laura
17-03-2010, 01:46 PM
Well, possibly both viewpoints are funny? ;)

Yes, they are.
Well, I enjoyed both, anyway.

Or does that make me a hermaphrodite?

(Living dangerously, R2...
This forum does have History & Search functions, remember... if anyone was to wonder what you've been up to during her absence..?)

R2x1
17-03-2010, 01:48 PM
Yes, they are.
Well, I enjoyed both, anyway.

Or does that make me a hermaphrodite?

(Living dangerously, R2...
This forum does have History & Search functions, remember... if anyone was to wonder what you've been up to during her absence..?)
Well, now it is easily answered - worrying ;) :thanks

kenj
17-03-2010, 05:06 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, b ut no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur .

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and th e preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?





Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


Scroll down

















The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Laura
17-03-2010, 05:34 PM
That's a beauty!

Still chuckling...

nofam
18-03-2010, 12:51 PM
A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top quotes in corporate America:


'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA)

'What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)

'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

'This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)


Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, 'That would be better for me.'
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)


'We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)