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View Full Version : Monday Laughs................Little Ralphy, and friends

Billy T
22-02-2010, 12:39 PM
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ralphy says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ralphy replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH: (Part 2)

Little Ralphy returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ralphy.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f#*^&ng difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH:

Little Ralphy goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ralphy says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ralphy, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ralphy says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR:

Little Ralphy was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Ralphy, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go..'

Little Ralphy, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR: (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My Father bought my Mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'beautiful, just f#*^&ng beautiful!' "

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER:

Little Ralphy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the sixth one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat...'

Little Ralphy replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

*********************************

You gotta LOVE that kid!!!!!
Guido, The Italian Stud

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attentions of a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment, and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No"

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear "No, I Norwegian"

*********************************

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in, and the man says "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

*********************************

New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and after being diagnosed with second-degree burns, he was promptly admitted to the burns ward.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

*********************************

The only cow in a small village on a Pacific Island stopped giving milk.

Because cows were scarce, the village-folk found they could buy a replacement animal from Australia for a much better price than buying in from another Island, so they shipped a cow from Australia, it produced lots of milk every day, and everyone in the village was happy.

They then bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount it, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very knowledgeable, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward", they said, "and when he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from one side, she walks away to the other side".

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance buy this cow in Australia?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Australia.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got this cow from Australia?

With a distant look in his eye, the Vet replied,

"My wife is from Australia."

Cheers

Billy 8-{) ;)

GameJunkie
22-02-2010, 01:14 PM
that is excellent :D
:clap

bob_doe_nz
22-02-2010, 01:15 PM
How did little Ralph fail with the dead birds question? :lol:

nedkelly
22-02-2010, 01:24 PM
Where do you get these from?

Billy T
22-02-2010, 02:46 PM
Where do you get these from?

Friends & family not associated with PF1 send them to me, I choose the best (the jokes that make me grin or laugh) and save them in a 'Monday Laughs' text file.

I started out posting just one joke per Monday, but I have so many backed up now that I have to do bulk posts to keep my joke folder a reasonable size. I rewrite a good proportion for local relevance, to get rid of US spelling, to keep them clean, or to improve lame punchlines. A small number end up more Billy than anything else.

Plenty get reposted here on Chat months or years later, which just goes to show, you can't keep a good joke down. :D

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Billy T
22-02-2010, 02:52 PM
How did little Ralph fail with the dead birds question? :lol:

All in the way you look at it, she didn't ask how many were left on the fence and four were still alive.

Semantics.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Gobe1
22-02-2010, 03:46 PM
Great ones this week, cheers Billy

wratterus
22-02-2010, 03:55 PM
Good stuff! :lol: :lol:

gary67
22-02-2010, 05:11 PM
:lol::lol::lol:

johcar
23-02-2010, 06:50 PM
I might get into trouble again, but, you only live once:

Being a man is a lot less complicated

Image 1: What goes through your mind when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?

Image 2: What happens when you need a wee?

Image 3: What happens when you meet the opposite sex

WalOne
24-02-2010, 12:29 PM
I started out posting just one joke per Monday, but I have so many backed up now that I have to do bulk posts to keep my joke folder a reasonable size. I rewrite a good proportion for local relevance, to get rid of US spelling, to keep them clean, or to improve lame punchlines. A small number end up more Billy than anything else.

Thanks Billy T - you must put a lot of work and time into these.

Billy T
24-02-2010, 04:50 PM
Thanks Billy T - you must put a lot of work and time into these. Always a good read :thanks

Takes about 1 to 3 hours a week, depending on how many new jokes come in but it's a labour of love.

I'll quit when I think they are not being read, or the thread gets dragged OT too often, but in the meantime I reckon a shot of humour is just what Monday morning needs to get rid of the post-weekend glums.

I'd look back and see how long I've been doing it, but the numbers might scare me.

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:

Bozo
24-02-2010, 04:56 PM
Oh noes, never stop posting them.

Always really look forward to the new jokes each monday - much appreciated :)

Renmoo
24-02-2010, 08:08 PM
Keep up the good work, Billy :) :thumbs: