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View Full Version : Monday Laughs..............A good crop, including some recycled goodies...........



Billy T
25-01-2010, 11:48 AM
Good Grandpa

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is screaming non-stop and throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."

*********************************


Bath Night

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. After a couple of days she asked if she could have a bath, and the woman of the house said 'sure' but as they didn't have a proper bath she'd have to use a tin bath in front of the fire.....

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday...

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

*********************************


As You Slide Down the Banister of Life:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My memory works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. I tried it once but the seat folded up, my drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression thathe just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point uphill.

*********************************


Car Oil Change Instructions -

Oil Change Instructions For Women:

1) Drive into Quik-Serv Depot when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee, read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Costs:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00

Total: $42.00


Oil Change Instructions For Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.

2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a couple of 12-packs of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for wheel-stands.

5) Find wheel-stands under caravan.

6) Take car off jack, jack up caravan and remove wheel stands.

7) Drop caravan back on wheels then remember old bricks stacked underneath.

8) Go inside caravan and inspect damage to floor. Bricks have punched up under internal partition and roofline is now raised to match floor. Can see sky dammit!

9) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

10) Place drain pan under engine.

11) Look for 19mm ring spanner.

12) Give up and use crescent spanner.

13) Unscrew drain plug.

14) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Curse and swear, should have found #$%&^#* ring spanner!!

15) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

16) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

17) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil-filter wrench.

18) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

19) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

20) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

21) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

22) Remember drain plug from step 13.

23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

24) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

25) Drink beer.

26) Find ring spanner under dog's blanket, remember throwing it from bedroom window at 2.00am to stop him barking, get drain plug back in with only a minor knuckle graze. Drink consolation beer.

27) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip when pulling stupid jammed ring spanner off burred drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

28) Begin swearing fit.

29) Throw stupid ring spanner at dog.

30) Swear for additional 5 minutes because spanner hit prized Golfing Trophy instead.

31) Beer.

32) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

33) Beer.

34) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

35) Beer.

36) Lower car from jack stands.

37) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during various mishaps.

38) Beer.

39) Test drive car.

40) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

41) Car is impounded, license suspended.

42) Call loving wife to pick up from Police Station.

43) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard, smart-arse neighbour brings wife over to drive it home.


Costs:
Parts: $50.00
Beer: $40.00
Damage to caravan: $850
Tarpaulin to cover caravan roof until fixed: $125
Driving Under Influence fine: $1500.00 and 6 months disqualification
Impound fee: $225.00
Taxis to and from work for disqualification period until you get work license: $1800.00

Total: $4,590.00 so far, repairs to caravan and Lawyers bill to come............

But you know the job was done right!

*********************************


Medical Concerns

George and Marjorie went for their annual physicals.

After checking George over thoroughly, the doctor said : 'You appear to be in good health; do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said George. 'After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

The Doctor could think of no immediate explanation for this, but told George he would do some research and call him if he needed to take any action.

After examining Marjorie, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine with you, but do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' 'No' said Marjorie, 'I have no questions or concerns.'

The doctor then said to her: 'Well, George had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why that might be?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' replied Marjorie.

'That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in January.'

*********************************


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

*********************************


Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too fled.

The third priest moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes, and, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."

*********************************


Sometimes it pays to be old

Noone believes oldies ... . everyone thinks they are losing their marbles.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they went inside and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, landing practically at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to hand it in," but Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .... "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :) :)

smithie 38
25-01-2010, 12:51 PM
Things to Ponder

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that carpets are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" When, it isn't all right .

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

************************************************** **

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10. Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

B.M.
25-01-2010, 12:57 PM
Another one for us Senior Citizens.

Sound Up. ;)

http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

pctek
25-01-2010, 02:08 PM
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?


Why should it?

Agent_24
25-01-2010, 02:42 PM
Fill a house with broken computers, and it will be neither clean nor have working computers.

johcar
27-01-2010, 11:20 AM
Jokes a bit thin on the ground this week...

This one's not very PC...

****

[edited]

wratterus
27-01-2010, 12:03 PM
:lol: Nice one johcar.

R2x1
27-01-2010, 04:54 PM
Drat - the PCWorld syndrome strikes again.

Agent_24
27-01-2010, 05:11 PM
I'm sure we've had worse jokes than that on here...

johcar
27-01-2010, 05:31 PM
Ah well - at least I didn't get a ban....yet...

(And it was sent to me by a South African girl I know!!!)

Gobe1
28-01-2010, 08:34 AM
I got a copy before it went :)

wratterus
28-01-2010, 11:11 AM
Could you please PM Globe? I remember reading it yesterday but I've forgotten it now... :( :badpc:

...Ah, I remember. :D

beeswax34
28-01-2010, 09:20 PM
Could I get a PM too please lol?

sarel
29-01-2010, 07:11 AM
Me too

sarel

Peterj116
29-01-2010, 07:19 AM
You'll be disappointed unless you think beating up women is funny...


(Puts on flame-proof jacket)

Cicero
29-01-2010, 01:37 PM
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.







Dear Sir,


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has only been in place for a mere thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account 30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof...

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the most sincere form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:


1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer a password to access it is required. This will be communicated to you at a later date for the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu,and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.







May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.



Your Humble Client,



Myrtle J Watson.

wratterus
29-01-2010, 02:01 PM
You'll be disappointed unless you think beating up women is funny...


(Puts on flame-proof jacket)

Sure it's not PC at all, but all arguments are a two way street. :2cents: