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View Full Version : Monday Laughs................Stuff 'n Stuff...........



Billy T
18-01-2010, 11:19 AM
The Blonde Surgery Patient..........

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.

"The operation was a complete success and you'll be fine," he said.

"But how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" She asked.

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that you are the first person to ever ask me that after having their tonsils out."

********************************


A SHORT LOVE STORY

ONCE UPON A TIME..... a man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping-cabin on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing the compartment, they were very tired and both fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ....'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,.....let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! .......................That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied .......................'Get your own f&*%^$g blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.

The End

*********************************


The string and weight experiment

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a tribal male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a heavy weight. After a while, the weight eventually stretches the penis to 24 inches, then the weight is taken away.

Later that evening as her husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-Weight procedure?"

Her husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked her husband, "so how is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

*********************************


Good Old Grandpa!

A six year old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Mummy comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Mummy said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disneyland!"

*********************************


New Emergency Number in Australia

Advice for all immigrants to Australia: If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured and are bleeding to death, the new emergency number is:-

0800 46387120866658120938715376100866513124540854735270 67458699
12332416574907685541092836573899995663220846387120 8666581209387
15376100866515408547352706745869912332416574907685 5410928365738
99995663223899995663220846387120866658120938715376 1008665131245
40854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657389 9995663224735
27067458699123324165749076855410928365738999956632 2389999566308
46387120866658120938715376100209387153761008665131 2454085473527
06745869912332416574907685541092836573899995663224 7352706745869
91233241657490768554109283657389999566322389999566 3084638712086
66581209387153761008665131245408547352706745869912 3324165749076
85541092836573899995663220846387120866658120938715 3761008665131
24540854735270674586991233241657490768554109283657 3899995663223


Please keep this number handy to your phone, in fact we recommend that you commit it to memory, because if seriously injured, you may have difficulty remembering where you wrote it.

*********************************


Penguins

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica and wonder - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird that lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeeeze a jolly good fellow."



Then they kick him in the ice hole.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

WalOne
18-01-2010, 11:49 AM
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeeeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole.



Good one, Billy

:lol::lol::lol:

wainuitech
18-01-2010, 12:45 PM
Following Instructions

I got this new deodorant today.
The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells awesome.

************************************************** ***

Quote of the day:

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh1t."

************************************************** *****
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,'
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip
the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

************************************************** ******
A Redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.

The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........

'I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard With the beer bottle!'

KenESmith
18-01-2010, 10:17 PM
The Frog and Golf


A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides toProve the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.


You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man played The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous girl.


"And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

************************************************** *****
IRISH LOVE STORY


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death''s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
.........

.........


F**k off' she said, 'they''re for the funeral.'

Cicero
19-01-2010, 07:51 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=vOhf3OvRXKg

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

Two for the price of one.

Cicero
19-01-2010, 08:13 AM
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS,












If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?





How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?





Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?















Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?









What disease did cured ham actually have?











How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?















If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?















Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?















Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.















Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?















Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?





If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?











If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?















Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?









Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Cato
19-01-2010, 08:52 AM
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Good question indeed!

johcar
19-01-2010, 12:35 PM
True story?

Cicero
21-01-2010, 10:20 AM
On a visit to Cern to see the hadron collider, Barak Obama and
Gordon Brown were shown a new invention ... a time machine which can
see into the future.



Asked what time they would like to look ahead to, they both asked
for 100 years. Obama went first with his question to the machine and
asked what America would be like in 100 years time. The machine
whirred and beeped and finally spewed out a printout which he reads.
"The country is in good hands with the election of a new President.
Crime is non existent. There is no conflict. The economy is in great
shape. Poverty in the country is all but eradicated. Health wise the
population has never been better. There are no worries."



Gordon listens intently and says, "It's not bad that, I'll have a
try now if you don't mind."



The machine is then asked what Britain will be like in 100 years
time. It starts to whirr and bleep and spews out a printout which
Gordon then looks at. He looks puzzled and just stares at the piece of
paper, Obama asks him "Well Gordon, what does it say?"



Gordon replies ...........



"Buggered if I know, it's all in Arabic!"

Gobe1
22-01-2010, 11:16 AM
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar :
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real ****ing good because I want a cheeseburger."

roddy_boy
22-01-2010, 03:08 PM
Ha ha ha.

B.M.
22-01-2010, 04:49 PM
Hone Key's contribution.

http://blogs.news.com.au/heraldsun/andrewbolt/index.php/heraldsun/comments/serving_it_hot_to_the_warmists/