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View Full Version : Monday Laughs.......First of the New Year...Starts well, ends on a philosophical note



Billy T
11-01-2010, 10:09 AM
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good too Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

*********************************


While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

*********************************


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

*********************************


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the trunk.

*********************************


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

*********************************


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'

*********************************


While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

*********************************


A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out for a pint at the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,

'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie..'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's awfy nice - are you taking me to the pub wi you?'

'Nae', Jock replied, 'I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

*********************************


A Holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said,'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.'

"I will show you", the Lord replied, and led the holy man to two doors.

He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in.....In the middle of the room was a large round table..

In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water.

The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly, and they appeared to be starving. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.

The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.

The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell. They went to the next room and opened the door....and it was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water.. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons strapped to their arms, but here the people were well nourished and plump, talking amongst themselves and laughing.

The holy man said, 'I don't understand.


'It is simple,' said the Lord. 'It requires but one skill.

You see, they have learned to feed each other, the greedy think only of themselves.



All the best for the New Year to all at PF1

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :thumbs:


PS, Here's a little known secret: it is now two thousand and ten, 'twenty ten' is no more a number than 'lebenty-eleven'. Past variants were historical anachronisms

MAC_H8ER
11-01-2010, 10:35 AM
talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.


that happened to me when i picked up the supra to bring home for the first time - it has a aero top you can take off so thats the first thing that happaned - off goes the roof and on goes the sunscreen - still got burnt to a crisp though :mad: but it was well worth it :p

KenESmith
11-01-2010, 11:17 AM
A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.


He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'


Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'


Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'


Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'


Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'


Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'


Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'


Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,
he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'


Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'


Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.....he died. I married his widow

Cicero
11-01-2010, 12:43 PM
"Beer"


Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties &local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

Cicero
11-01-2010, 12:56 PM
Some goodies in this lot.........Ciccy..............



Here's proof of the pure innocence of children, especially in their thinking......

and of Moms (who are made of sugar & spice in the eyes of their children).



WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scissors and scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me.. He just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.


What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2 She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2.. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

--Wolf--
11-01-2010, 03:58 PM
that happened to me when i picked up the supra to bring home for the first time - it has a aero top you can take off so thats the first thing that happaned - off goes the roof and on goes the sunscreen - still got burnt to a crisp though :mad: but it was well worth it :p

A Mkiii I hope :drool

MAC_H8ER
12-01-2010, 07:47 AM
A Mkiii I hope :drool

Yeah man MKIII all the way :thumbs:

its a shame its always raining down here as its brilliant with the roof off :D

prefect
12-01-2010, 08:12 AM
There is only one Mk III and that is a Zephyr.

--Wolf--
12-01-2010, 10:23 AM
Yeah man MKIII all the way :thumbs:

its a shame its always raining down here as its brilliant with the roof off :D

Good man. Was never a big fan of the aero top but sometimes I wouldn't mind having one, especially since I took the AC out.

MAC_H8ER
12-01-2010, 10:26 AM
There is only one Mk III and that is a Zephyr.

this is correct :D but until we get a better naming convention (saying GA70, MA70 or JZA70 is a mouthfull and most plebs dont have a clue what you are on about) we will gladly pinch the MKIII moniker off the Zephyr :p

Billy: Apologies for Derailing the thread - ill try and bring it back with this:

Teacher asks her class if anyone knows a story from the bible. Little Johnny raises his hand and says "Yes miss , i can tell you about David and Goliath ", "Ok, carry on Johnny" says the teacher
"Well, to cut a long story short David killed Goliath , and then he got on his motorbike and ****ed off" said Johnny, the teacher says "You're right to an extent , David did kill Goliath , but back then they never had motorbikes" Yes they did , and i can prove it" replies Johnny , then he opens up his bible turns to page 354 and says "It says in here that when David killed Goliath all you could hear was the roar from his triumph!"


How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid people are still buying it!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."




A grizzled prospector rides into a small town after 3 months of solitude. He walks into the only bar, drinks a whisky and asks the bar tender, "got any women in town?"

"No," is the reply, "but there is always Jake."

"No way, I'm not that kind of guy," responds the prospector.

Next day he restocks and off he goes into the hills again.

Three months later, our prospector is back - has his whisky. "Any women in town?" he asks.

"Nope, but jake is available," is the reply.

"No thanks, I'm not that kind of guy," says the prospector, and off he goes again.

The next time the prospector is back in town, its been nearly a year since he last saw a woman, and let's just say the gun is fully loaded... He goes into the bar, asks if there are any women yet and gets the same response: no women, but maybe Jake. He has a whisky, then another and a third. Then he asks the barman, "so... about Jake.... Who's gonna know?"

"Well," says the barkeep, "you're gonna know, and I'm gonna know. And Jake's gonna know, of course." He pauses. "And Tom and Leroy's gonna know."

"Tom and Leroy? What have they got to do with it?" asks the prospector.

"Tom and Leroy have to hold Jake down because he's not that kind of guy either!"

Tony
12-01-2010, 10:47 AM
PS, Here's a little known secret: it is now two thousand and ten, 'twenty ten' is no more a number than 'lebenty-eleven'. Past variants were historical anachronisms Maybe if you think of it as a name rather than a number, then "twenty-ten" is as acceptable as "two thousand and ten" - and shorter to say. :)

Marnie
12-01-2010, 10:59 AM
Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,"Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the wate again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Billy T
12-01-2010, 11:21 AM
Maybe if you think of it as a name rather than a number, then "twenty-ten" is as acceptable as "two thousand and ten")

That may well be an option favoured by some, but the fact remains that dates are numbers, not names (except perhaps to some women who are not keen on the progression of time, when it becomes "the day we dare not mention"). :D

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

B.M.
12-01-2010, 04:48 PM
The Size of It.

http://www.imagef1.net.nz/files/Global_Warming1.jpg

R2x1
12-01-2010, 05:43 PM
I cannot remember living through the one thousand, nine hundred and sixties.

(That was not totally unusual for those times.)

Sweep
15-01-2010, 09:18 AM
IDIOTS of 2009


Number One Idiot, so far in 2009


I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.

Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..




Number Two Idiot so far in 2009


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.




Number Three Idiot so far in 2009


A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ..

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!




Number Four Idiot so far in 2009


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer..

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'

The robber said he was, but he clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got from the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.




Number Five Idiot so far in 2009


A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'

When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.




Number Six Idiot so far in 2009


Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd
just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.

The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .




IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:


My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said

he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..

Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!




IDIOT SIGHTING:


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee

asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your

knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how

would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Melbourne .



JUST AN IDIOT :


When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we

were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working

feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door

handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'

This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

beeswax34
15-01-2010, 08:39 PM
[

Number Two Idiot so far in 2009


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.





Not really funny and not true either. There are no Boeing employees in NZ since all the engineering work is done by Air NZ's engineering division or in Australia.

Also, you cant "get" a life raft off a plane since it's only deployed in emergencies. I know its a joke and I might be being pedantic but it should be atleast a bit believable.

R2x1
15-01-2010, 08:44 PM
It was translated into Australian. For some reason, it went flat.
Funnily enough, they "get" life rafts off planes pretty regularly for inspections. Boeing have a fairly big establishment in Aust. What good it does them I don't know. ;)

Sweep
15-01-2010, 09:27 PM
Sorry Beeswax34 that you did not enjoy.

I have no personal knowledge as to the veracity of the material posted or otherwise.

I will try to ensure that all jokes published in future are both funny and also true.

prefect
15-01-2010, 10:05 PM
Not really funny and not true either. There are no Boeing employees in NZ since all the engineering work is done by Air NZ's engineering division or in Australia.

Also, you cant "get" a life raft off a plane since it's only deployed in emergencies. I know its a joke and I might be being pedantic but it should be atleast a bit believable.

Instead of breaking into plane it would have been easier to go to life raft bay and get given an timex or drill one.

kenj
16-01-2010, 06:59 AM
Sorry Beeswax34 that you did not enjoy.

I have no personal knowledge as to the veracity of the material posted or otherwise.

I will try to ensure that all jokes published in future are both funny and also true.

Hey Sweep, I thought they were all good.... especially the one about the dumb bank holdup guy!! :clap:clap

Ken

Cicero
16-01-2010, 09:11 PM
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks
from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.

5. It's very, very, very important that these four women do not
know each other.