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View Full Version : Monday Laughs................Post Christmas pick-me-up..........



Billy T
29-12-2009, 12:54 PM
Tuesday Monday Laughs.

I take Xmas off, and Mrs T said I could relax for a few days as well, by packing up the house and removing the old carpets ready for re-carpeting.


The Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'

He marched into the kitchen and announced to his wife, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished my main course, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Next, you will massage my feet and hands, then we will go to bed and you will satisfy my every demand.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f&%$#@& funeral director would be my first guess'.

*********************************


The Grandmother of All Blonde Jokes


This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

*********************************


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to supply a sample for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then in her armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour to assist?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, and none of us could get the bloody jar open.'

*********************************


Arthur is 90 years old and he's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I just can't see where it has gone."

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."



Cheers

Billy *<8-{)= :)

Misty
29-12-2009, 01:22 PM
Tuesday Monday Laughs.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


...and every one a gem ! :D

We particularly love the "Old people" one ! :D
Misty

xyz823
29-12-2009, 01:22 PM
:D

KenESmith
30-12-2009, 12:50 PM
CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick .
Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'*

And the Crowd Went Wild.

The Pope and Kevin Rudd are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd, at the AFL Grand Final.

The Pope leaned towards Rudd and said, "Do you know that with one little movement of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, like those believers in a football match, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Rudd replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? ... Show me"

So the Pope backhanded the b@stard.

The Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.......The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.

I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic..'Try doing it with the engine running!!

Definition of Taliban

Our troops in Afghanistan proved they have retained their sense of humor. One of them sent this ....

YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ....

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against..
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside
bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one..
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time,
cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you..

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

kenj
31-12-2009, 03:57 PM
Definitely a Dog Lovers story..... teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'f**k Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

wainuitech
31-12-2009, 05:42 PM
(From a txt message:) )


Merry New Year from the Alzheimers club.

Hope the Easter Bunny brings you heaps Ben or is it jane ?

F*ck it - Happy Birthday anyway Brian.

Enjoy labour weekend ---- Whos this ??:confused: