Billy T
20-07-2009, 03:00 PM
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
*********************************
Rules for visiting NZ's South Island are:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus... Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes north, find it and f@*k off.
5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed... We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time..
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday, we will observe it.
10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce! Oh, yeah - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity -thump crap ain't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
17.. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys ....... 'good on ya, mate'!
A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
*********************************
The Story of Four Cats.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' CoffeeBreak slowly got to his feet.......
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
shlt on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
applied for Accident Compensation for a worksite injury.......and went home for the rest of the month on sick leave.............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
*********************************
We've all heard about people having either "Guts" or "Balls". But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed and up to date, the Definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar and then slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: "You're next, Fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Cheers
Billy 8-{) :help:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
*********************************
Rules for visiting NZ's South Island are:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus... Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes north, find it and f@*k off.
5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed... We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time..
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday, we will observe it.
10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce! Oh, yeah - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity -thump crap ain't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
17.. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys ....... 'good on ya, mate'!
A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
*********************************
The Story of Four Cats.
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
'What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' CoffeeBreak slowly got to his feet.......
ate the cookies.........
drank the milk.......
shlt on the paper........
screwed the other three cats.......
claimed he injured his back while doing so.......
filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......
applied for Accident Compensation for a worksite injury.......and went home for the rest of the month on sick leave.............
AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
*********************************
We've all heard about people having either "Guts" or "Balls". But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed and up to date, the Definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar and then slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: "You're next, Fatty."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Cheers
Billy 8-{) :help: