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View Full Version : Monday Laughs....Jesus, Sth Islanders, Govt Employees and Men vs Women....What a mix!



Billy T
20-07-2009, 03:00 PM
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

*********************************


Rules for visiting NZ's South Island are:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a Ute because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus... Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? SH1 goes north, find it and f@*k off.

5. So you have an $80,000 car. We're impressed... We have $250,000 harvesters that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the South waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/quail are coming in during the season, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time..

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and duck. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of duck season. It's a religious holiday, we will observe it.

10. We open doors for women. That applies to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Watties Tomato sauce! Oh, yeah - we don't care what you folks in Ponsonby call that stuff you eat. IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Rugby is as important here as the All Blacks, the Highlanders and the Crusaders and a heap more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses - but don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity -thump crap ain't music. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

17.. For role models refer to the "Mainland Cheese" and "Speights" boys ....... 'good on ya, mate'!

A true South Islander will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in the hope you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!

*********************************


The Story of Four Cats.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, 'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,

'What can your cat do?'


The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.' CoffeeBreak slowly got to his feet.......

ate the cookies.........

drank the milk.......

shlt on the paper........

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

applied for Accident Compensation for a worksite injury.......and went home for the rest of the month on sick leave.............

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

*********************************


We've all heard about people having either "Guts" or "Balls". But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed and up to date, the Definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar and then slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say: "You're next, Fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.



Cheers

Billy 8-{) :help:

Gobe1
20-07-2009, 04:27 PM
ive been waiting for these all day and it was worth it
Thanks :)

PCT Joe
20-07-2009, 06:01 PM
x2

kenj
20-07-2009, 06:22 PM
BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years


Ken :p

kenj
20-07-2009, 06:24 PM
This is probably and old one but still a good one!!


Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers.

A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like getting up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma ?'



'Oh yes, Grandfather' the girl replied, 'And do you know what ? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, dickhead, w**ker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today !'


Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it !

Greg
20-07-2009, 07:10 PM
Guts v balls was the funniest I read for a long time!

:thanks

Vecaren
20-07-2009, 07:40 PM
Brilliant jokes, thanks guys. :thanks

Whenu
21-07-2009, 01:32 PM
"What's the difference between a near sighted hunter and a constipated owl?"
One shoots and shoots and can't hit;
the other hoots and hoots and can't ...

sarel
21-07-2009, 04:03 PM
What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS? A B*tch who WILL find you. :rolleyes:

sarel

pilgrim
21-07-2009, 04:09 PM
:lol: