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View Full Version : Monday Laughs...............Swine Flu, women, & other diseases



Billy T
15-06-2009, 01:27 PM
Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Go to local Drive-In service when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee, read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a 10 litres of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
6) Find jack stands under caravan, put in place, lower jack.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Spend 1˝ beers looking for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among beer bottles in recycle bin to avoid dumping penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit darts trophy.
28) Another beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five more litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00

But you know the job was done right!

**************************************


Jacqueline and her husband Mike went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Mike and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

Mike thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

**************************************


A young boy about 13 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right, and he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute young boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters', he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

**************************************


A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bit*h, you'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

**************************************


Swine Flu Humour:-

Just phoned the hospital swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu.

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through, where there's a swill there's a way.

This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype haemaglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

And that's I have to say on this subject, I'm finding all the fuss and jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :D

seltsam
15-06-2009, 04:37 PM
Not a joke but a true story from the Aviation Herald, happened last Saturday.
Amusing, but I bet those on the plane were not happy.

An Air India Boeing 747-400, registration VT-ESO performing flight AI-191 from Mumbai (India) to Frankfurt/Main (Germany) with 229 passengers, was enroute about one hour into the flight, when the cargo fire alert triggered. The crew activated the cargo fire suppression system, declared emergency and returned to Mumbai, where the airplane landed safely 1:45 hours after departure. Attending fire services found no trace of fire or heat. The passengers disembarked normally.

Engineers found no fault with the fire detection system as well and started to suspect, that bags of finest curry powder within the cargo bay, part of a passenger's checked luggage, could have been responsible for the fire alert. Further tests showed, that particles had escaped the bags and indeed triggered the sensors. The bags were removed from the aircraft in consent with the passenger. The airplane took off again and reached Frankfurt with a delay of 13 hours.

--Wolf--
15-06-2009, 10:53 PM
Best ones I've heard in ages!

Digby
16-06-2009, 09:49 AM
x 2

The oil changing routine and the man with the sheep.

wainuitech
16-06-2009, 11:12 AM
BANNED FROM K- MART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their
will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her
husband accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she
loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from
her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1... June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on lay -b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
K -Mart..

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a
special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they
clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you
celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your
chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c0ck,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful

younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.


One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'




And the moral of this story is:




Always keep your condoms in your car..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A child's Prayer:

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer,
Amen."

:D

wratterus
16-06-2009, 11:44 AM
Awesome Wainui, esp, that wedding one. :D

beeswax34
16-06-2009, 02:19 PM
[QUOTE=wainuitech;791562]
Always keep your condoms in your car..

:D:D:D

GameJunkie
16-06-2009, 02:29 PM
that k-mart one is awesome

MAC_H8ER
16-06-2009, 03:43 PM
ive done a few of the Kmart ones

the "CODE 3 IN XX DEPARTMENT GO MAN GO!" one is great

they freak out and hilarity ensues

also if you come across a technology salesperson trying to sell you something you dont want you say "does *item* have LRF's? i wont buy it unless it has them!"

they panic and ask others and the manager and come back 10 mins later and proudly say "YES! it does have LRF's!"

then you pick the item up and say "you liar! it does not have Little Rubber feet!" :lol:

pctek
16-06-2009, 06:08 PM
Friend of mine once told a HN sales guy who asked what she wanted to use her PC for, that she wanted it for cybersex.
He couldn't come up with anything further to say at all.

--Wolf--
16-06-2009, 10:49 PM
What about The Rock ringing Pak N Sav on the radio tonight. They asked to be transferred to the chip department and the asian guy had to phone someone else asking for help then hung up deciding the call was too hard for him.

Renmoo
16-06-2009, 11:04 PM
Oh WAIT! I overheard that one this evening :lol:

Now I understand why they were laughing at the hung-up call

Metla
16-06-2009, 11:09 PM
Friend of mine once told a HN sales guy who asked what she wanted to use her PC for, that she wanted it for cybersex.
He couldn't come up with anything further to say at all.


If he was any good he would have sold her a webcam for that purpose.

And if he was really good he would have told her she needed a computer with a faster CPU, more ram, a bigger harddrive and a dedicated video chipset in order to run the webcam to its full potential.

Cicero
17-06-2009, 09:16 AM
Not bad Met...





53 years ago...









Comments made in the year 1955! That's only 53 years ago!



'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.


'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.


'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.


'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.


'When I first started driving, who would have thought petrol would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.


'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.


'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.


'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.


'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric .. They are even making electric typewriters now...


'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.


'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.


'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.


'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.


'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.


'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.


'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'


'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

pctek
17-06-2009, 05:22 PM
If he was any good he would have sold her a webcam for that purpose.

And if he was really good he would have told her she needed a computer with a faster CPU, more ram, a bigger harddrive and a dedicated video chipset

Yes.

No. Any rubbish would do for a webcam.
Anyway she hadn't much liked his answer about what brand of modem it had in it (This was quite a long time ago) - he fumbled around and annouced it was a COM1.

She then got me to build her one. For gaming actually.

Cicero
17-06-2009, 06:15 PM
I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes etc.



From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.



Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.



However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.



Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been shown to do the trick. Good luck !!!



However, I do feel as a precaution, anyone should take the government quarantine option and not come back to work for 7 days.