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View Full Version : Monday Laughs...............Breaking new ground here



Billy T
08-06-2009, 01:23 PM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender, who immediately approached her.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers, and as he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly, stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the Ladies Room.

*********************************


Choices:

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a particularly nasty pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something else quite bad happened. I'm trying to break bad news gently, but the fact is, your penis was torn off in the wreck. It landed in the opposing lanes and was run over by a truck. We found it OK but it was seriously flattened and we were unable to save it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on:

'The good news is that you've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one did, better in fact, but the reconstruction doesn't come cheap, it's $1000 a cm.'

The man perks up at this.

'So,' the doctor continues, 'it's for you to decide how big you want it to be, but we think that is something you'd really should discuss with your wife first. I mean, if you had a 12.5cm one before, and you decide to go for a 20cm job, she might be a bit put out at the extravagance, but if you had a 20cm one before and you decide only to invest in a 12.5cm job this time, she might be disappointed, so we think it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new single beds, and polished granite counter-tops in the kitchen.'

*********************************


A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinse Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything we can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they play at night?

*********************************


Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied "Yep, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.

*********************************


A little known fact........

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874, and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took just 100 years for men to realise that the brain may also be important.

*********************************

Last but not least, a visual joke (if I got the upload right).

A new magazine for married men only.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

Marnie
08-06-2009, 01:35 PM
This guy found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a genie, and he gave him three wishes. The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million dollars. Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible. And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof! he turned into a box of chocolates.

pctek
08-06-2009, 03:06 PM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
:lol:



*********************************


A new magazine for married men only.
:D

Digby
09-06-2009, 09:10 AM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

x2

brilliant !

Blam
09-06-2009, 06:17 PM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

x2

brilliant !

I don't get it..?

Renmoo
09-06-2009, 07:02 PM
'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


'Tell him,' she whispered, 'there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the Ladies Room.
Gross is the point :p

hueybot3000
09-06-2009, 07:23 PM
I don't get it..?

Rural pubs are a rural mans home, woman stay back at the shack

sammo450
10-06-2009, 04:13 PM
Women not woman. Unless you are speaking in a rural man way...

MAC_H8ER
10-06-2009, 04:18 PM
also the only time a rural pub is quiet is when its closed or after the cops have rocked up causing everyone to flee

johcar
12-06-2009, 12:45 PM
BOSSES BASIC RULES

Rule 1: The Boss is always right!
Rule 2: In the impossible hypothesis that a subordinate may be right, Rule 1 becomes immediately operative.
Rule 3: The boss does not sleep; he/she rests.
Rule 4: The Boss is never late; he/she is delayed elsewhere.
Rule 5: The Boss never leaves his/her work; his/her attention is required elsewhere.
Rule 6: The Boss never reads the paper in his/her office; he/she studies.
Rule 7: The Boss never takes advantage of his/her secretary with extra work. He/she educates her.
Rule 8: The Boss is always The Boss, even in his/her bathing togs.
Rule 9: Whomsoever may enter the boss's office with an idea of his own must leave the office with the boss's ideas.
Rule 10: If, in your lamentable ignorance, you fail to grasp the truth, fear not; return to rule 1.

(Note: "The Boss" is not necessarily the person you are in paid employment with. "The Boss" can also be SWMBO...)

ronyville
12-06-2009, 12:49 PM
BOSSES BASIC RULES
(Note: "The Boss" is not necessarily the person you are in paid employment with. "The Boss" can also be SWMBO...)

:lol: i think that the case in most situations..

Renmoo
13-06-2009, 08:15 PM
Just thought of a joke on the top of my head:

"A customer brings in his laptop into the shop this morning. He complained the keys "Ctrl", "Alt" and "Del" are not working. I know what OS he is on"

Rob99
14-06-2009, 12:40 AM
Just thought of a joke on the top of my head:

"A customer brings in his laptop into the shop this morning. He complained the keys "Ctrl", "Alt" and "Del" are not working. I know what OS he is on"

This is funny because you mean off the top of your head.

A joke on the top of your head would be a silly hat...

roddy_boy
14-06-2009, 04:01 AM
I think he also forgot to put the funny in the joke.

Cicero
18-06-2009, 09:00 AM
PHONE REPAIR
Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house..

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.

Cicero
18-06-2009, 05:49 PM
I am only sending this to clever lads,

I could not work it out and had to look at the answer.

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana

2 Dresser

3 Grammar

4 Potato

5 Revive

6 Uneven

7 Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give it another try .

Look at each word carefully.

(You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.)











Answer:

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.

(Thought I had the answer, but I did not go far enough.



Scroll down for the REAL answer













Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

R2x1
18-06-2009, 06:30 PM
Curses. Now the Dragon is threatening to revoke my omnipotence rating.

the_bogan
18-06-2009, 06:49 PM
I am only sending this to clever lads,

I could not work it out and had to look at the answer.

See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1 Banana

2 Dresser

3 Grammar

4 Potato

5 Revive

6 Uneven

7 Assess



They all have a number in front of them.

gary67
18-06-2009, 07:02 PM
They all start with a capital letter

R2x1
18-06-2009, 07:36 PM
They are very short sentences, almost all lacking a verb (and a full stop).

Rob99
19-06-2009, 01:29 AM
Second and last character are the same.