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View Full Version : Monday Laughs...............Wet jokes and one-liner's for groan-ups



Billy T
25-05-2009, 08:54 AM
Man goes to the doctors' with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

--------------------------------

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

--------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy'

--------------------------------

'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

--------------------------------

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

--------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaaahh..'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

--------------------------------

So I got home and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'

--------------------------------

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

--------------------------------

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

--------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad, my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Chow-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

--------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'Congratulations, you're now our Managing Director.'

And I drove into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

--------------------------------

Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual', and the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

--------------------------------

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

--------------------------------

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'

--------------------------------

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

--------------------------------

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

--------------------------------

A man walked into the Doctors, and the doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know, I've been ill'

--------------------------------

A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well, stay away from those places'

--------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

--------------------------------

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 5c a month for the next 2 years.

--------------------------------

Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

--------------------------------

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana..............press the hash key...'

--------------------------------

I went to the butchers' the other day and I bet him $100 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

--------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

--------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, your arms have been amputated'.

--------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

--------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'

--------------------------------

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :groan::groan:

somebody
25-05-2009, 09:34 AM
Thanks Billy!

Bozo
25-05-2009, 10:11 AM
:D - last one was classic :D

beeswax34
25-05-2009, 08:28 PM
:D - last one was classic :D

x2!~

gary67
25-05-2009, 08:37 PM
As good as ever thanks Billy, I always look forward to coming home on Mondays and reading your jokes

johcar
25-05-2009, 10:42 PM
Tommy Cooper?

Billy T
25-05-2009, 11:17 PM
Tommy Cooper?

I don't know the source, but it is very Cooperish and this might be a clue:

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

I have modified a few, as I usually do if I think they have lost something in the repeated transfers, or the grammar is excruciatingly bad.

Cheers

Billy 8-{)

williamF
26-05-2009, 01:17 AM
pfffffffffft hahahahahahaha. what happened to the baker who stood on a bun... a strong current went up his leg and electrocuted him

Rob99
26-05-2009, 01:26 AM
A man went into the doctor's office and said that he had a weird ailment. The doc asked him what was wrong. The guy told the doc to lean over and listen to his hipbone. The doctor did.

"Please, mister, could you loan me $10?" a voice from the hip said.

The doctor stood up quickly and looked at the man puzzled saying, "I've never heard anything like that in all my years of practice!"

"That's nothing, doc. Listen to my knee."

The doc leans over and puts his ear near the guy's knee.

"Sir, you seem like a kind soul. Could you give me $1?"

The doc's eyes widened and he was baffled.

"Take a listen to my shin, doc."

So the doctor leaned to listen to his shin.

"Sir, could you give me $5? It would help me tremendously."

"So what do you think? What's wrong with me?" asked the man.

To which the doctor replied, "I'm not real sure why there's voices coming from you, but I can tell you this. Your leg is broke in 3 places."

Rob99
26-05-2009, 01:59 AM
SENIORS HALLOWEEN:
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time
decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, "you're going out like that?" "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."

Bozo
26-05-2009, 10:04 AM
"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator."
:clap :D :D :clap

Jen
26-05-2009, 07:13 PM
--------------------------------

So I went to the dentist.

He said 'Say Aaaahh..'

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

--------------------------------

Ooookay. Some has to explain this one to me ... :illogical

the_bogan
26-05-2009, 08:09 PM
Ooookay. Some has to explain this one to me ... :illogical

What about making it sound like Aaaawwww...

R2x1
26-05-2009, 08:21 PM
At the dentist, there isn't much else to say until the end where they slam you with the bill (hopefully before the anesthetic wears off) when the usual phrase is "Aaaargghhhh".

Erayd
26-05-2009, 09:08 PM
Take a look at this (http://myfirstdictionary.blogspot.com/) - somewhat sadistic, but rather humourous.

johcar
26-05-2009, 09:36 PM
Ooookay. Some has to explain this one to me ... :illogical

<sigh>Jen.....</sigh>

The sound of someone saying "Ahhh!" can be the "doctor-looking-at-your-throat" kind of noise, or the sad sigh one makes when a beloved pet karks (sp?) it.

(Explaining it kind of ravages the funny a little bit...)

Jen
26-05-2009, 10:03 PM
<sigh>Jen.....</sigh>

The sound of someone saying "Ahhh!" can be the "doctor-looking-at-your-throat" kind of noise, or the sad sigh one makes when a beloved pet karks (sp?) it.

(Explaining it kind of ravages the funny a little bit...)Nope. They got it wrong. :p

I would say aaahhh what a cute puppy, not aaahhh your puppy just got run over.

the_bogan has it right, it should be awwww. Someone needs to re-write the joke. :stare:

prefect
26-05-2009, 10:47 PM
Even if I dont understand a joke I still laugh just incase someone thinks I am a thick bugga.
Bit like the Emperors clothes I didn't understand the joke until someone pointed it out it needed a tweak.

R2x1
26-05-2009, 10:54 PM
When the dentist has his pliers down your throat trying to grab your wallet, the vocabulary is pretty much limited to aaaaaah no matter what you are trying to say.

--Wolf--
26-05-2009, 11:31 PM
Sorry, gonna kill the 1-liners but hey.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

gary67
27-05-2009, 07:50 AM
Oh so true but would you be man enough to do it?

Gobe1
28-05-2009, 04:01 PM
Haw might get the chk chk boom if you did, haw haw

Cicero
29-05-2009, 09:14 AM
Philosophies of the Famous.....




Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."

-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)




I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."

-- Eleanor Roosevelt




Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain





The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns







Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- - Victor Borge










Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain







By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates







I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx







Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine







I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope







I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W.C. Fields







We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers







Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill













Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller







By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal







The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.































.

R2x1
29-05-2009, 03:08 PM
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck, My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo.
They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!!
There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the Blonde.
'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over
So now we're going to SeaWorld

ubergeek85
29-05-2009, 06:07 PM
Just saw this as someone's quit message on IRC:

"Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig

R2x1
29-05-2009, 06:37 PM
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked for the cost and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.

williamF
29-05-2009, 06:52 PM
Just saw this as someone's quit message on IRC:

"Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side and a light side and it holds the universe together." - Carl Zwanzig
that would be true for GAFFER tape.
gaffer tape is like the force it has a dark side and a white side and helps bind the universe together

silence is golden, "duct" tape is silver

Cicero
30-05-2009, 06:17 PM
Stop CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE


A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza.. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt..

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it.'