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  1. #1
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default MONDAY LAUGHS ... Airline Catering, Little Johnny, and jokes about dogs

    It's me again ... hope you all have a great week ahead




    Maxine the Fluffy Corgi

    Click HERE

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    I before e... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor

    Q: What is Grammar?
    A: The difference between knowing your ****, and knowing you’re ****.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Top ten signs that you are very, very drunk …

    10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth
    9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
    8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
    7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
    6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
    5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
    4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
    3. You don't recognize your partner unless seen through bottom of a glass.
    2. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
    1. You fall off the floor.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Lady Astor “Sir Winston, you are very, very drunk”

    Sir Winston “And you, Lady Astor are very, very ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober.”

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    Advice

    The cocky goes to a Farmer’s co-op and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. He looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

    The co-op sales assistant said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the cocky said, and off he went.

    While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to my place?"

    The cocky said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

    The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The cocky said, "C’mon lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

    She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

    +++++\\\\////[B]+++++

    Problem Child

    The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take these tranquillisers regularly."

    On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquillisers calmed you down?"

    "Yes" the mother answered.
    "And how is your son now?" he asked.
    "Who cares?" she replied.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Talking Dog

    A TradeMe punter spots an online ad that reads “Talking Dog for Sale”. Intrigued, he gets to arrange an interview. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

    “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I moved to New Zealand as a Guide Dog trainer and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

    The punter is confused. He asks the TradeMe advertiser, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible pooch like that?” The advertiser says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    90-year-old Larry goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

    The doctor tells him, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

    Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
    “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
    “Mary,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

    “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Mary. “He’s started peeing in the fridge again!”

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    He answers the phone and has the following conversation:

    "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult and insufferable ... I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is ... yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right ..."

    "You want to talk to her? All right."

    He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you”.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called “Not Poodle”.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Auckland Tower: "Qantas 220, cleared for takeoff"
    Qantas 220: "Tower, Qantas 220 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Auckland Tower: "New Zealand 445 cleared for takeoff ... did you copy the report from Qantas?"
    New Zealand 445: "Tower, 445 rolling ... yes, we've already notified our caterers."

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Caution man at work ... Click HERE

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Sign of the Times

    The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, is meeting with his former accountant.

    The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

    The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

    The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is now become a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

    The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

    The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

    The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

    The Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

    The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

    The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

    The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

    The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says ... go to hell, that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    A Little Johnny joke

    Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
    Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.”

    Hands up all those that were waiting for the usual Little Johnny theme

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Why God Is a Woman

    Thou shalt not commit adultery.' Now, you all know no guy would have ever dreamed that one up.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    The Bishop's Last Words

    The bishop is in the hospital and his good friend, a priest, goes to visit him.

    The priest sees all the monitoring equipment attached to the bishop. He kneels by the bed to pray.

    The bishop motions to a pad and pen on the nightstand. The priest hands his friend the pad and pen, and the bishop begins to write but suddenly stops and dies.

    At his funeral, the priest delivers a eulogy. He says, "I was with him when he died, and as a matter of fact, I have his last thought in my coat pocket here."

    Reaching into his pocket to retrieve the note, he reads "Please, get up. You're kneeling on my oxygen hose."

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Work Genesis

    In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
    And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.''
    And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.''
    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
    And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
    And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.''
    And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
    And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with powerful effects.''
    And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
    And the Plan became Policy.

    This is how S**t Happens.

    +++++\\\\////+++++

    Déjà vu … flashback to 2005

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    Contrary to what some soothsayers say (apart from "Sooth" - or "Strewth"), Friday this week will still dawn ...

    Cheers, until next week

    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  2. #2
    Photographic enthusiast Misty's Avatar
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    Default Re: MONDAY LAUGHS ... Airline Catering, Little Johnny, and jokes about dogs

    I particularly liked "Sign of the Times" WalOne!
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  3. #3
    Soaring like an Eagle gary67's Avatar
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    Default Re: MONDAY LAUGHS ... Airline Catering, Little Johnny, and jokes about dogs

    Good stuff as usual

  4. #4
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Re: MONDAY LAUGHS ... Airline Catering, Little Johnny, and jokes about dogs

    Hey Wal, I missed "Maxine the Corgi" the first time.... Thanks

    Ken

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