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Thread: Monday jokes

  1. #1
    Retired old codger kenj's Avatar
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    Default Monday jokes

    Please feel free to contribute as we have been sadly lacking in jokes lately....





    Scottish Diplomacy The following is a true bit of Scottish Diplomacy:………

    One thing about men from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place.Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked, on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


    HIS STATEMENT:

    "If hooking up one rag head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say, Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."


    Ken
    Corgi Ben Kenobi.......Related by Corgi to the Queen

  2. #2
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
    The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
    'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer.
    The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
    but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

  3. #3

    Default Re: Monday jokes

    A young man went to see a talent booking agent. "I have a great act for you." He opened his briefcase and took out a toy piano and then a foot tall pianist came out in top hat and tails, bowed and then played Brahms, Liszt, Beethoven beautifully.

    "That's fantastic." said the agent. "We'll book him on TV and stage. He'll be a big hit. But I'm curious. Where did you get him from?"

    "Well, I was holidaying in Ireland and I rescued a leprechaun trapped under a log. He was that grateful that he granted me one wish."

    "And this was your wish?" the agent asked incredulously.

    "Well not exactly. The leprechaun was a little hard of hearing so I ended up with a twelve inch pianist."
    It is better to wear out than to rust out.
    - Richard Chamberlain, Tour of the Hebrides

    Us husbands are a sorry lot.

    Visit the Radio Reading Service: www.radioreading.org.nz

  4. #4
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes



    "Who discovered we could get milk from a cow, and what did he think he was doing at the time?" (Billy Connolly)


    "My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar." (Victoria Wood)
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  5. #5
    Old fella smithie 38's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into A room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic man chirps,
    "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic gent says,
    "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence,

    the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

    She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

    SLIM
    TALL
    38D BREASTS
    24"WAIST and
    36"HIPS.

    When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus ! .

  6. #6
    Rocket Dog WalOne's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    Billy T seems to be MIA. He hasn't responded to PMs and the last I heard from him he was in Melbourne I think. That was a month ago.

    Anybody?
    I have very high hopes that seriousness is a reversible condition.

    Dr Lester Levy


    I've studied deeply in the philosophies and religions, but cheerfulness kept breaking through.

    Leonard Cohen

  7. #7
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    He may have been a couple of seconds slow on a pedestrian crossing, check the offshore detention centers.
    Entropy
    is not what it used to be.



  8. #8
    Awaiting Enlightenment R2x1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    A man and a woman, who had never met before, and who were both married
    to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
    one transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
    both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she
    in the lower.

    A 1.00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying "I'm
    sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
    and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold".

    "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
    we're married."

    "Wow, that's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

    "Good," she replied. "get you own f***ing blanket!"

    After a brief moment of silence.......he farted.
    Entropy
    is not what it used to be.



  9. #9
    Computer Technician wainuitech's Avatar
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    Default Re: Monday jokes

    A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.
    She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
    The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.
    His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
    Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
    One thing positive about Windows 10 is that there is never a dull moment anymore on ye olde computer

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