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View Full Version : Monday Laughs........Love and Romance.....



Billy T
16-08-2010, 12:51 PM
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

*********************************


A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known necking spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.


The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat The cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

*********************************


Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female... Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense?)

******************


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

******************


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

******************


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

******************


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*********************************


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

******************


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

******************


In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

******************


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

******************


In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

(Well,.... not as great as Guam !)


*********************************
And now a change of theme...
*********************************

Molly The Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent and as ladder lying on the ground beside it, so he asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly the Camel.'

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I agree with this, but I do understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with lust and pent-up urges, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

Sergeant replied, 'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town.

That's where the girls are.'

Moral of the story :- If you are not sure of how things are done in your new job, don't be ashamed to ask for clarification before 'dicking the camel'.

*********************************


The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for a few hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here for four hours and you could have."

Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)


Occasional insult of the day: (I keep forgetting).


His face was filled with broken commandments.
- - - John Masefield

Bozo
16-08-2010, 01:53 PM
BRB! Off to Guam! :banana:D:banana

Cheers Billy.

goodiesguy
16-08-2010, 05:07 PM
this is by far the best ones you've posted Billy T

gary67
18-08-2010, 10:25 PM
Was away at the beginning of the week, excellent crop of jokes again Billy Thanks

Agent_24
18-08-2010, 11:14 PM
:lol: Liked the Camel one...

Cicero
19-08-2010, 06:26 PM
A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replied, "Yes, caffeine. I canít drink coffee.Ē




"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he said, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer said, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asked, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy said, "Yes.. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaced and then said, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire

you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow

at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy was puzzled and asked, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't

you want me here until 10:00 am?

"This is a government job," the interviewer said. "For the first two hours, we just stand

around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

Thomas01
20-08-2010, 02:27 PM
Both the camel one and the young couple in the car are very old (& good), but I am amused by the way that when I first heard the car joke the girl was about to become not 18 but 16.
And I guess that in my young day we were more impatient because she only had "2" minutes to go.
Nice to see the knitting is still being used though.

Gobe1
20-08-2010, 02:35 PM
Camel one for me and now Cicero's one
Brilliant stuff

SolMiester
20-08-2010, 04:20 PM
DON'T FART IN BED


If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every night before he fell asleep and again every morning when
he awoke, even louder than the night before. The noise would
wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

She would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making
her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly
natural. She told him to see a doctor; as she was concerned that one day
he would blow his guts out. & nbsp;To which, he only laughed.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Christmas
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey
innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
thought came to her.

She warmed the innards just enough to take off the chill, then took the
bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently
pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself
as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years
of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned
me and I didn't listen to you. God, I feel horrible."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one-day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened."

"Oh No!" his wife his wife exclaimed, doing her best to hold
back the laughter, "are you okay honey?"

"Yea, I'm a little uncomfortable," he said with a moan. "But
by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most
of 'em back in."

Renmoo
21-08-2010, 11:04 AM
Intel CEO: "We need antivirus, can someone buy me McAfee?" Few hours later: "Done." "Great, which version?" "Version ... ?"

Cicero
21-08-2010, 07:02 PM
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby

won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the

baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."

The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"