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Billy T
24-05-2010, 11:37 AM
UN Survey

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

*********************************


An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site was offended by the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and went over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "and do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'why'?

The worker yelled back, "Cuz his wife's down here with his lunch"

*********************************


Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "It was my 85th birthday yesterday.

Other guy: Yeah? so what did your wife give you?

"Well, my wife gave me the SUV she said I needed".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

*********************************


A Letter To Jessie James (former husband of Sandra Bullock)

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock???

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.

You are a piece of work! You are the most hated and scummy cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself?

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shlt that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.

Tiger

*********************************


Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday Dingos)

Three Australians and three Kiwis are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Kiwis.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and an arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn bro," answers a Kiwi......

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."


*********************************

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely...


*********************************

The urologist

Man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there , he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,'99'."

The guy obeys and says,'99'!

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep breath and say, 99."

Again, the guy says, '99'

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand Im going to hold on to your penis and your testicles, to keep them out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The guy begins,

'One ... Two .... Three.

New Monday Laughs Feature: Insult for the week. (I've collected too many to use in one hit, some are a bit lame, some are rather good, and some are excellent!!)


At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realised it was his date.
- - - Edith Massey in "Polyester"


Cheers

Billy 8-{) :)

Gobe1
24-05-2010, 11:49 AM
Haw Haw great stuff
thanks Billy

gary67
24-05-2010, 08:55 PM
:lol::lol:

KenESmith
25-05-2010, 01:15 AM
May I offer a sample of the wit of my former boss, an RAF Air Commodore at a meeting with treasury officials at MOD.

" You are the condom at the attempted conception of initiative"

The recipient had to do a double take to realise what had been said, and most of us just wished we could come out with similar wit off the cuff.

johcar
25-05-2010, 01:28 PM
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

John H
25-05-2010, 06:18 PM
@ johcar

Hey, I resemble that! :waughh:

Gordna
26-05-2010, 10:08 PM
LoL

R2x1
26-05-2010, 10:56 PM
I don't mind (too much) working Mon & Tues, but then it's just W,T,F until the weekend.

Renmoo
26-05-2010, 11:22 PM
I don't mind (too much) working Mon & Tues, but then it's just W,T,F until the weekend.
Nice! :p